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#286664 - 01/03/07 10:25 PM Adult Stepdaughter
mrsfedup Offline

Registered: 01/03/07
Posts: 2
I just want to say that I am completely fed up with my 22 y.o. adult stepdaughter "situation" and I decided that I couldn't take anymore. Let me just begin by giving some examples of SD's problem behavior that seems to always be enabled by my husband. My husband and I had our wedding out-of-state. Everyone knew, including SD, at least 9 months + that this was taking place so there was plenty of time to plan. By the way, SD lives with her boyfriend whom she now calls fiance. Approximately 3-4 days before my significant other and I were to drive out-of-town for our wedding, my SD tells my hubby that she needs to ride with us b/c her boyfriend decided that he's not going and she didn't have money to rent a car. Keep in mind that this is my first marriage. My husband, before ok'ing it with me, tells her that she can ride with us. Understand that this means that she would be riding with us to the chapel and spend every day with us leaving us no private time. The hubby and I had a big blowout about this, and I almost called the wedding off, but didn't. Needless to say, I was so disappointed and one hell of an unhappy bride. Since this time, she has pulled all kinds of slick, manipulative things. She never comes to the house when I'm around. If she does come, it's only to ask my hubby for money. She's still under my hubby's insurance (both medical and auto), and she has her medical bills sent directly to our house for my hubby to pay for them. While on our honeymoon recently, she called my hubby to tell him that she needed to dump an old dryer in our yard because she and her boyfriend got a new one and didn't have time to take the old one to the dump. My husband allowed it without asking me how I felt about it, and it is a complete eye sore. She said she'd take it to the dump the next week and my hubby assured me that it would happen. It's now 2 months later, and the thing is still sitting out there, not to mention the fact that we have a HOA to worry about. As of today, she has yet to give her father a Christmas present. My husband pays her cell phone bill. She ran up a credit card that he gave her previously so he had to take it back. I mean the list goes on and on. She even asked him if he was getting a pre-nup. How inappropriate! Well I've had it, and I finally told him exactly how I feel and that I'm not going to tolerate her selfish, disrespectful, and inconsiderate behavior towards me any longer. Needless to say, it didn't go well, but in the end, he said that since I'm his wife, he's going to have to resolve the issues with her. Honestly though, I'm not convinced b/c he's always done everything for her that she should be doing for herself. He also defends her when she does inappropriate things. I really hope for his sake that he gets this under control. I already have to endure the fact that my husband, from the day we wed, has put his grown daughter before me constantly. Now, my husband and I are trying to conceive and I don't think it's going to happen b/c of all the stress I'm under. I'm seriously worried about this situation, and I pray that it works out, but I will not put up with this [censored] any longer. No one should!

#286665 - 01/04/07 12:20 AM Re: Adult Stepdaughter
Alexandra Offline

Registered: 03/26/06
Posts: 3313
Loc: Verulamium, England
Why did you go ahead with the wedding, again?

#286666 - 01/04/07 03:43 AM Re: Adult Stepdaughter
conniem Offline

Registered: 03/11/03
Posts: 2090
Loc: oklahoma
You are in a no win situation. Doesn't sound like your husband has a backbone and lets this girl walk right over him. I wish I has some advise, but if I were you I would have had enough a long time ago and left.
Don't be afraid that your life will end, be afraid that it will never begin.

#286667 - 01/04/07 04:30 AM Re: Adult Stepdaughter
Alexandra Offline

Registered: 03/26/06
Posts: 3313
Loc: Verulamium, England
The big problem is that if you were aware of this situation existing before your wedding, I'm afraid you should have dealt with it there and then.
"We teach people how to treat us".
From now on, you are going to have to continually remind your husband that the situation is unacceptable. If this puts him in a difficult position, then tough.
But I neiter envy your position, nor fancy your chances.
This kind of behaviour pattern is a hard one to break, especially if he just doesn't realise for himself how manipulative she seems to be.....
The words 'uphill' and 'struggle' come to mind.

#286668 - 01/04/07 08:04 PM Re: Adult Stepdaughter
mrsfedup Offline

Registered: 01/03/07
Posts: 2
The thing is, it wasn't until a few days before the wedding that she ever became a problem, and it wasn't until I tried to solve the problem by nicely suggesting other means for her to come to the wedding the day before the actual wedding that the problem became mine and my husband's. What made me go through with it was the fact that I felt that based on how good of a relationship we've always had, I felt that we could handle anything. I knew that the reason why hubby reacted the way he did was because he knew that if she didn't go with us, she wasn't going to go at all, and he wanted her there more than anything. Now, I know that's wrong b/c the fact of the matter is that if she didn't go, it would be b/c she didn't want to and not b/c she didn't have the means. When it comes down to it, I'm not sorry I married him, b/c when you find something that's worth fighting for, that's what you do. That's exactly what I plan to do. I may not be successful with this situation, and if I'm not, I can assure you, I will move on and take on whatever that entails.

#286669 - 01/07/07 11:57 AM Re: Adult Stepdaughter
Paula_Stepparenting Offline

Registered: 05/22/06
Posts: 17
Loc: Tennessee
Unbelievably, your situation is not uncommon for stepmothers with adult stepchildren. However, it seems that you're trying to complicate an already dysfunctional situation by getting pregnant. PLEASE rethink your logic on that one. Bringing another human being into a situation like you described will only make everything worse! An "ours" child always complicates new stepfamilies, but this is especially true when a stepchild (even if that stepchild is an adult) resents the remarriage. It sounds like your stepdaughter has escalated her antics to keep her dad's attention because she views you as a threat. Bringing a new baby into the family at this point just doesn't seem like a wise thing to do. I'm not saying never to plan to have children, but now is obviously not the right time.

I agree that fighting for a good thing is worthwhile, but I also think you and your husband should RUN--not walk--to the nearest family counselor for a little help with your struggle. None of us knows all of the answers. Unfortunately, your situation is so precarious that one too many wrong moves could potentially topple your fragile union. Statistics say that 60 to 75 percent of second marriages (that's what yours is because it's a remarriage for him) don't make it to their 5th anniversary. Seeking professional help may help you overcome these odds.
Paula Egner
Stepparenting Editor

#293410 - 02/18/07 04:04 PM Re: Adult Stepdaughter [Re: mrsfedup]
FedUp2 Offline

Registered: 02/18/07
Posts: 1
Loc: TX
Hi there,
Would love to talk with you at length sometime. How is your situation with your step-daughter?

I am newly married with two adult VERY VERY selfish, self-centered, manipulative, step-daughters who are not even speaking to me at the present. I am so tired of the shenanigans that they pull, it is not even funny.

You are welcome to e-mail me at peggy.simpson@yahoo.com. Maybe we can share some stories, vent, and perhaps even get a little good advice.


#307402 - 04/16/07 07:51 AM Re: Adult Stepdaughter [Re: FedUp2]
vistajpdf Offline

Registered: 04/16/07
Posts: 24
Well, I for one, feel your pain. On the bright side, hopefully this girl will soon have her OWN life and then become less of a nuisance to you. However, my situation has been similar, and has worsened.

I don't know your age, but if time is a consideration, you should not have to put your family plan aside due to this selfish girl. But, I think I'd make some sort of contract w/ my husband about a new baby brought into the mix. He needs to be there for the new baby 100% as he was for his daughter when she was little - there wasn't any full grown adult constantly needing him, his money, his time, etc. I am 19 yrs. younger than my husband and we have 3 little boys. When I was shocked (and crying for a few hours - those feelings quickly left and he's a joy!) to learn I was pg w/ the 3rd and would deliver him at 40 yrs. old, she yelled at her father, "Don't you two know about birth control?" Her dad said nothing to her - I wasn't there, but I'd have flipped and said, "How dare you!"

My steps weren't issues til our wedding - actually "came back" to daddy when they wanted cars, and everything since. He can't say "no" and it has been a constant struggle.

So, I will advise you on doing things that I should have done. We saw a marriage counselor once - I should have insisted we do it more, so please get help now. A 3rd party will help him see the light, not judge but help prioritize things. I don't envy the men's positions - there's always guilt when they remarry, leave the ex-wives w/ the kids (my husband's ex was unfaithful, so he finally left), and aren't home w/ them through the years. They need to see that no one is asking them to choose, but to just set boundaries (a huge issue w/ us) and prioritize.

These daughters need to BE INDEPENDENT. Our husbands do them no service in the long run and, I feel, hurt them longterm. No one will come running to the girls' sides like Daddy does, so their future relationships are destined to never measure up.
Good luck and you can always sympathize w/ me privately if you'd like. Read my post above and imagine daughter-dearest moving in w/ you 'indefinitely'...


#307469 - 04/16/07 12:07 PM Re: Adult Stepdaughter [Re: vistajpdf]
Lynette76 Offline

Registered: 04/16/07
Posts: 2

I understand what you are going through I myself am a step-parent. I can't tell you the upsets and heartaches my husband's children have caused me. To think, I have accepted these kids in my home and life because I wanted them to be a part of my life as well as my husband and I lives together. I have decided to separate myself from my husband children�s because I will not be disrespected anymore and I am �sick of� the way my husband downplays their behavior with excuses. These kids are all over 21 and there is no excuse for their behavior.

While some people might ask, why would you marry a man if all these problems with his children existed? In my case, their behavior surfaced a year after we moved in together and secondly we love each other. I allowed a lot of things to happen because I did not want to be seen as the �bad person� but I begin to realize no matter what I do, that title will remain because you are the �other woman�. If the relationship between his children and I diminished that is how is going to be. I am not going to fight a losing battle or stress myself out about his adult children�s behavior anymore. The only ones that are going to suffer are their children; my husband�s grandchildren. I told my husband because they treat me like they do and you have a hard time addressing their behavior to them I will not accompany you when you see them and they are no longer welcome in my home.

In this reply I may sound bitter and angry because I am. I am not going to hide my feelings anymore. I have had it!! This is for those step-moms who have bent over backwards for their husband�s children�s and then to have those same children return the favor with rude, condescending, and manipulative behavior. Enough is enough! We are people too! We have feelings and deserve respect.

#307554 - 04/16/07 09:58 PM Re: Adult Stepdaughter [Re: Lynette76]
iwonder Offline

Registered: 02/20/07
Posts: 227
This thread is interesting, afraid I could play devils advocate here. Rest assured your husband loves you. But remember he loved his daughter for several years prior. Like it or not, when you married him you married the package--that's the way it is when there's steps.

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