I realize now that I was in a very abusive relationship, but that isn't why I left, at least not directly. I left because the conclusion of our last argument was him lying to the police and having them arrest ME, even though I am the one who called 911 for help. So I suppose the lesson I learned from that is that police officers can't be trusted. I also learned that my ex is a much better liar than I ever imagined. He expected me to forgive him when I was released the next day, and he didn't file charges so the charges against me were dropped. I told him I could never forgive him for sending me to jail and he said, "I hope you would."

Anyway, that was 2 months ago exactly. I went to live with my mother and he went to live with his ex-girlfriend ... didn't take long to move on for him. For me, it is much more difficult. A week before I went to jail he slapped the side of my head so hard it broke my eardrum. Why wasn't that enough to leave? It should have been. I called 911 that night but standing there with two cops looking at me and then I looked over at him and I couldn't tell them what happened. I kept thinking I didn't want him to go to jail, but also what would happen when he got out? Would I take him back? Probably, and he would hold that over my head for years. So I lied to them for him. But for me, he lied to send me to jail. That betrayal is what convinced me I had to go.

But now, I am rememebering a lot of things. That wasn't the only time he hit me, he shoved me into a wall once, grabbed me lots of times. Screamed at me in every argument. He screamed at me that I didn't love him so loud in my truck once that I pulled over and made him get out. Calling me an "f*ing B" was a favorite of his. No matter how I tried to word any request, my presentation was lacking, I was nagging, and I was trying to start a fight. About everything. I would tell him over and over that I knew I couldn't live with the yelling, and if he would just discuss things in an even tone I would talk about whatever he wanted. He always said no, but one time when my 4 year old daughter was sitting right there he screamed back "No I won't!" even when I mentioned she was in the room.

But the make up sex was probably the worst. If I didn't give in I wouldn't be able to sleep. And sometimes if I refused, he would do it anyways when I was asleep and when I woke up he would roll over and when I asked what that was he would say he was sleeping and didn't know what he did. It felt wrong and I dwelled on it, but never had another name to put to it.

Normally I am an intelligent and discerning woman, I was sole-provider for a long time because he refused to work. My co-workers all said I had an excellent memory, but with my ex I had the worst memory on the planet and if I tried to defend my memory he would shoot back "why do i always have to be wrong?"

So I finally got in to see a counselor and it has been so enlightening. She recommended the books "Why does he do that?" by Lundy Bancroft, and "The Verbally Abusive Relationship" by Patricia Evans, and I have read them both. How enlightening for me to find that the things he did were sadly common, and labeled abuse. I had been with him most of 5 1/2 years and just thought I wasn't able to communicate properly with him. I was starting to think we were just too emotional together.

Recently I spoke to his ex/current girlfriend and found that how he was with me is how he was with her. She said he hasn't changed but "I have my demons and he has his" and even though she knows he battered me, she doesn't think he will hit her. More power to her but if he hasn't changed I don't think he will be any different to her this time than last.

So all that said, how in the world do I move on? I have a 4 year old and a 3 month old. I am trying to work past it. I would like to be in a healthy relationship at some point, but I'm not sure I even know how. And how do I convince people that it wasn't me being abusive like he says?

Anyway, thanks for listening.

Dez

Dez...I came on here tonight simply to read. I had no intention of registering or posting for that matter, but your post - I could have been reading my own story. The last 48 hours of my life have been horrible and devestating. I've been with my boyfriend 3 years and he has had his share of issues. Each one I excused, forgave, blah blah blah...I loved him..I love him.

But Friday he got angry and when I stepped out of my car into his front yard still arguing he ran at me and pushed me so hard I flew backwards about 4 feet! I called the police...and..he LIED and they actually defended him!! I thought I was screwed up and had trust issues before this! This is making me feel like I'm totally crazy and can trust NO ONE! I had luckily gotten away from him and came home. When I got in my door I knew I was seriously injured and immediatly called him. What I did was turn to the only person left after 3 years of him isolating me. I was embarrassed, injured & scared, I didn't want to call anyone - I just wanted help for my injury. Well he told the police he did nothing to me and showed them the called id and said I called him and told him if he wouldn't talk to me I would call the police and lie to them!!! Among other things that made me look like I was the instigator. This is NOT what happened. I guess police officers don't understand he is the only person I thought I had. For that moment when I made the phone call I sorta forgot I could call the police. I'm not sure if anyone can understand what I am saying. When he started screaming on the phone that he hoped I died from my injury, I hung up and called the police. They made me feel worse. Told me if I didn't stop I would be investigated for harrasment!

Anyway, I went to the hospital and I have a moderate concussion and from the impact I have muscular injury to the other side of my face and jaw as well as damage to my eardrum from the force. He outweighs me by about 130lbs. He came running at me with outstreched arms and pushed as hard as he could. When I couldn't get off the ground he drug me to my car by my arms. My 4 year old watched from the car.

But my questions is the same as yours..What do I do now?? The thought of going back is impossible. He could have killed me and then lied his way out of it. But the thought of moving on seems equally as impossible. All I have done today is cry. Cry for the loss of my relationship with a man I love, cry for being unloved after all this work and time. He had been in counseling before and they essentially got as far as figuring out he has a problem with being happy - GO FIGURE??!! When things are going too well he will subconciously sabotoge them. Well we had not had a fight in 9 weeks, no violence for 7 months and I had finally agreed to move in thinking he was finally serious about change. In an instant he ruined all of that. Now I'm devestated, sad, afraid, and felt completely alone.

I know you posted for an answer, I'm sorry I don't have that. But I know how you feel and I want to say THANK YOU for helping me realize tonight I am not completely crazy, I am not alone.

Dez-you move on by learning to treat yourself with the gentleness and respect you deserve. One foot in front of the other, just tiny baby steps. That's the next healthy relationship you need. As you give yourself these things, your children will be learning with you. Teaching them by example how they deserve to be treated and not to accept less will be their most valuable gift from you. Nobody can or should control another's behavior, only your own. Don't worry about convincing anyone either way. They really don't matter. If they choose to believe him, they're not worth the effort anyways. As you become healthy and grow, it will become obvious what the real story is. Don't waste your energy on something you can't control. Invest it in yourself! You're more than worth it!!!

Hope, I know how hard it is to do, but forcing yourself to file a police report along with the doctors report of your injuries would be a good step, I think. It is what I had to do. The officer who took my report was initially very skeptical and mean to me, but as I explained the story and situation he softened and is now my advocate. You sustained many more injuries than I did, and my broken eardrum alone was worth a recommended charge of assault 2nd degree. Of course, when the cop talked to my ex, he agreed that he hit me because he felt fully justified that it was self-defense - he thought I was going to hit him.

Everyone's story has it's own sensitivies though, yours no different than mine, and only you know what you should do. Now might be a good time to repair some of those old relationships he helped destroy for you. I am lucky that I am not alone, my parents have been beside me through this whole thing. But I understand why you called him - he's the one you always called, and I think that is the hardest habit to break. Everytime I forward an email I have to remind myself not to include him on the list. Such a small thing...and so huge too.

And your right Naaurz, thank you for your kind words. One day at a time is what it all comes down to, I guess. I will admit everyday is a little easier, but when someone knocks on my door at night I still go into an instant panic attack that it might be my ex and he's found me. Ugh.

Dez

Dez-I'm proud of you for sticking to your decision. It is so much easier to go back, but the end results really suck. Don't be too hard on yourself when you panic. That is a totally normal instinct-fight or flight. I'm 6 years out and to this day a sudden loud noise in broad daylight can make me shake from head to toe. The important thing to concentrate on is not that you thought it might be him, but to get your voice of reason talking instantly to calm you back down. You may forever have that initial reaction, but it won't go into an actual panic attack before long. Give yourself credit for every single little step, even if it seems you've gone backwards, because you really haven't. It just another step on a long road, but every step takes you closer to a healthier you!!!

I am doing my best to stick with my decision to leave, but I have to admit, like most people, this isn't the first time I have left. I am doing my best to make it my last.

Today has been a hard day, though. I look at my children and I think, how can a man just walk away? It's ironic, because it is easier on me if he doesn't try to contact me regarding visitations. But I still don't understand how he can walk away and just go on without knowing how they are doing, recognizing birthdays, and such. My daughter turned 4 yesterday and I didn't even get an email for her wishing her a happy birthday - but I got one on Sunday wishing ME a Happy mothers day. Crazy.

Dez

It's not crazy, Dez. It's intentional and strategic. Everything he does at this point is done for one reason-to get you back under control. When you left, you took some of his power away, but since you've done it before and went back (as most all of us have), he's still feeling pretty confident and in control. He knows your vulnerabilities and is using them against you. A man couldn't just walk away and not care, but he's not a man. He's an abuser and doesn't care who he hurts as long as it maintains his control. Your daughter is young enough that she doesn't realize all the feelings you're having about it. She probably only knew that her mommy was upset. It's sad, but really it is only his loss. You've given your daughter the chance to grow up without the damage abuse causes. You don't want her growing up to think that's how a woman is supposed to be treated and no matter how hard you try you wouldn't be able to hide it from her. An abuser has a very low opinion of women, deserving of the abuse. Keep in mind, your baby is a woman in progress and could have the abuse turned on her as her independence grows. She needs you to teach her selfworth and confidence so it doesn't happen to her. As you teach her through your example, your selfworth and confidence will grow, too! The 2 parent home as it used to be known is not a reality in today's society. You can give her everything she needs without the damage that would be caused if you stayed together for the kid's sake. You can mourn the death of the dream, but don't ever feel you've cost your daughter anything. You've given her what she deserves-A CHANCE! Sending you an email wishing you a Happy Mother's Day was meant to make his presence, or lack of, known, intending to twist the knife he's got in your back. I'm afraid it'll get worse before it gets better. As you stay strong, he's gonna get more desperate and the abuse will intensify. Watch your back and don't underestimate the danger you and your children are in. I've not only experienced this personally, but also watched my sister-in-law struggle with it to the end. Unfortunately, she died in her 30's from 14 stab wounds in her back she received as she ran away. She thought she could settle him down if she went for a ride and talked. For her, it was a fatal mistake. When it comes down to it, the only behavior anyone can control is their own. It wasn't her fault. She was dealing the best way she knew, but if she hadn't gotten in that car, that day atleast would have ended differently. Her children lost both their parents and their lives were forever changed that day. In my case, I thought I was protecting my kids from it until we could get out. We had a safety plan in case things got too bad. I made my son, 15, promise not to step in to protect me no matter what because I couldn't take care of us both. I made sure he knew his job was to get his sister, 12, out of there and into town, sending help back. He was my hero, but it took a major toll on him. Alcohol made him forget for awhile. He's on his 4th DUI and won't be 21 until the end of the summer. Plus, as his drinking has gotten more and more out of hand, there are signs he has the potential to abuse. I regret not leaving sooner every single day. At the time, I truly believed they were safe from the abuse because I was the only one getting beat. I have never been more wrong in my life. I admire you for getting out while your kids are small. And by the way, belated Happy Mother's Day! You deserve it. I'm here for you-anything, anytime!

Trying to get under your skin. My ex hasn't contacted me about how the kids are in nearly 2 years. Last time he contacted me about me was last year when I asked him to send some money for christmas because i wasn't working yet. His response was "so what". I don't understand how men can walk away from their children either. But then again maybe the children are better off without their fathers sometimes. I think mine are better off without him.

If I was a man, a real man, I think I would take offense at someone calling a male that abuses women and abandons his children a man. I think you guys give them way too much credit and respect referring to them as men. They were simply the biological contribution that needed disposed of when they used their children as weapons against the mothers that truly loved them.

i agree nadaurz that they shouldn't be called a man if they abuse and abadon their wives and children. But I don't want this to turn into a male bashing forum LOL ONe of my friend's kids calls her dad her sperm donor.

Thanks for your words. It's easier to see the truth in another persons story than your own, though. But I work hard to take these things to heart and learn from them. In fact I thought about what you told me in your last post all night, and I realized that you are very right.

My ex knows that the one thing he can do to hurt me the most after I kicked him out, this time and last, and even before that I think, is to go straight to his ex-gf. It's like a knife twisted in my heart, that he can go straight to her after leaving me, but I can't just forget him that easily. But seeing it as a control tactic puts a whole different spin on it. And why should he think it won't work this time, it did last time. Oh how I hated this woman. But you know what changed between last time and this time? This time I've met her and talked to her, and found that I can't hate her. And this time I am determined to stand strong and when that doesn't work out (how can it? He hasn't changed) I still won't be there.

That's when my danger increases, I know it. Right now I am safe because he's with her, but when she leaves...well, I will have to be careful.

Dez

As you've met her, and can't hate her - which by the way, is brilliant of you - then consider her position in your place in his affections... and pity her because in time, she may become you.
She may also taste the bitter fruit of who and what he really is.
And that would be a shame, if she turned from girlfriend to victim number whatever, don't you think?

I want to clarify I was not "man bashing" in any manner. I wish that stereotypical ideology had never been brought into this. A key to successfully leaving an abuser is to seperate the fantasy (what you hoped for and thought it was) from the reality (an abusive destructive relationship). In this case and most cases known of, it happens to be a man. Any negative reference made towards the male species is specific towards abusers and not men in general. To think of the loving husband and father you used to believe he was can only undermine you. While this is new to you, it's not to him. The whole time he has had other reasons for everything he has done-gaining power and control over you. Mourn and grieve for the death of your dream as you would for a person close to you if they died and lay it to rest. Your dreams deserve that respect and it will help give it closure. Meanwhile, you need to consciously keep the dream and reality seperated. It will give you much strenghth. The man lost a huge amount of power and control the moment you realized this. He knows it and will manipulate it anyway he can. You've got the upperhand, use it to win. While he's still the same person, you on the other hand are not. You're developing new strengths and power never known to him before which is going to make him desperate to get the old you back. Smash him like a cockroach! Not seperating the two is a major reason many fail in their attempts to leave. This is true for an abused man attempting to leave an abusive woman and in same sex relationships. I didn't think I had to be politically correct since I was referring to this specific case, but if that's what it takes....no problem.

I knew what you meant and I didn't mean for it to turn that way either. I have received emails from people saying that the forum seems to be man bashing place. It never intends to go that way and I am sorry if people perceive it to be that way. But as you stated nadaurz, the majority of abusers of abusers in America are male. There are statistcs to back this up. The only reason why it may "seem" to be a male bashing environment is because the majority of our friends here are female. I love it when men post especially who have been there with us survivors and victims of abuse.

Alexandra - Yes, it would and is a shame. She will be a victim, but she is walking into it knowing what he is. She's actually known him longer, the difference between her and I mainly is that I put up with him for longer stretches of time...years...while she only lasts months. Don't ask why she took him back - she knows he battered me. I mentioned this to her and she said, "he has his demons and I have mine." You can only say so much.

Nadaurz and Jeanette - It's unfortunate that it got taken that way. I assumed this was a womams forums, after all it says "The voice of women" there at the top, so it stands to reason, to me anyway, that the majority of posters would be women. And it is a statistical fact that most abusers are men. As Lundy Bancroft notes in his book, admitting abuse is terribly embarrasing for women and men, and a large number of abuse cases are actually uncovered by neighbors calling the police rather than the victim. If there were an equal number of male victims, they would be uncovered then.

Dez