Scared and Stupid - 11/17/12 04:40 PM
In the past few months I have made some really stupid mistakes. To start I left my husband because I could no longer take a lot of the issues we had. I was angry and hurt and believed I was doing the right thing. Not long after separating I met a guy too good to be true. I was hurting so much with guilt and sadness over my failed marriage and he was such a great support.
When he started to stay over daily it became a no brainer to just let him stay even though things happened SOOOO quickly. We got along great. We clicked. I really loved him and for once in an extremely long time I felt happy.
From time to time we would fight. He started getting snappy and it would hurt my feelings. at first every time this happened and I turned away he would gently turn me back and lift my chin to look into his eyes. He would apologize. He was so sweet.
I Have some real issues with touch from childhood sexual abuse that i have repressed for so long. To have a man be able to touch me so softly, sweetly, but without me feeling broken or uncomfortable...I thought it was meant to be.
Over time (Mind you we have been together 5 months as of now so this all happened very fast) He became snappy and mean more often. I never did anything fast enough. I never paid enough attention. I was too negative.
Some days I'd have enough and instead of sulking that fire inside of me could not longer be contained. I would stand up for myself.
The first time he touched me was about a month into the relationship. Up to this point i didn't even consider him emotionally abusive because he always seemed so sorry for hurting my feelings. I thought i was just being oversensitive. He got on me about something stupid and stood up for myself. He told me he should knock some sense into me. I was [censored]. I said "I dare you to try." See when i am threatened by a man i react aggressively. I posture. I feel like if i act unafraid the threatening behavior would end. However I do not hit. EVER. he smacked me in the stomach and I flipped. I told him to get his [censored] and get out. Left the room and slammed the door. He chased me into the livingroom pushed me onto the sofa and held me down. Slapped me in the face. Said he would only let me up when i shut up.
I was in shock. My husband and I argued. He punched walls (No where near me) He grumbled under his breath...he NEVER EVER laid a hand on me. This man i trusted, i loved, I thought was gentle, hurt me. And i was in shock. Disbelief.
Needless to say i forgave him. He said he blacked out. Didnt know what was going on when he came too. And i loved him. So i let it go.
The emotional abuse continued with only one other incident where he pushed me. He started rough housing with me more. I played along. I dont know why. Mostly because doing what he wants makes him act nicer to me.
Lately he has been texting and talking on the phone to other girls. We fought yesterday. He attacked me. Punching, holding me down. He hit me in the head so hard several times. I saw stars with each hit. I told him to get out. That Id call the cops. He held me down until I agreed not to make him leave until he found somewhere to go.
I love him. I hate him. Mostly I hate me. I feel so alone and weak. I don't like to hurt people even when they hurt me so badly. I want to let him go. Honestly I miss my husband.
I'm so stupid and im on here because i need someone, anyone, who understands. This is the first time ive ever laid it out like this. Also it is only mentioning the major incidents. Not the many many minor ones.
I feel over dramatic. Like I should be able to handle this alone. But i can't do it.