I really am glad i found this forum. I am 22 have been with my husband for 7 years. Mulitple times i have found porn from his computer to his cell phone and EVERY time he denies all of it....I FINALLY get him to admit to a couple of times but its always a lie first! He is always hiding it! i keep telling him how it makes me feel and how him hiding it also shows me that he has no problem hiding other things! I also keep telling him these lies can lead into bigger lies!!! Im tired of trying tired of always feeling like something is being hidden from me!!! PLEASE HELP

Welcome! I'm sorry this situation is distressing you. It's hard to tell just what is going on in your husband's mind. Porn viewing is like eating desserts. It can be an occasional indulgence, a bad habit or a serious addiction. Some people abstain completely from sugar while others do not.

You'll receive a lot of varying attitudes here about porn. Typically, a woman feels very offended by her husband's porn viewing because he is getting aroused by looking at another woman's body. Sometimes, there are religious taboos that make women panic over this subject, as though their husbands are falling into the realm of evil.

I'm not one to tell you what to believe, but I will explain a few things to help you calm down and reassure yourself that this is not about your husband's rejection of you. In a man's eyes, they are only pictures, not people, and so porn viewing is not cheating or adultery. (And please don't argue the point. I'm just reporting a man's perspective!)

First, the more you make anything taboo, the more enticing it becomes so stop policing him--for now. Every human needs to exercise his or her free will and it is natural then to hide or lie in order to avoid confrontations over the choices one is making when one knows that his choices will meet with disapproval.

It's important to be able to openly discuss your husband's feelings, but he will do so only if he can do it safely. In other words, if you won't judge, attack, criticize or condemn whatever he says. Just let him speak. Your first task is to "endeavor to understand." Why is he doing this? What compels him? How often? What type of porn? Is it "vanilla" (tame), deviant, homosexual, etc? Is there something deeper he is afraid to face about himself?

The common rule of determining if it is truly an addiction is if his porn viewing is getting in the way of:

*being able to work
*socializing with friends and family
*enjoying a fulfilling intimate relationship with his mate
*causing physical, emotional or mental harm to himself

Does he need to indulge daily? How many times? A true addiction is a brain thing. The brain becomes addicted to the feel-good feelings brought on by arousal, drugs, drinking, eating, etc. It is a way to self-medicate or becomes similar to a caffeine addiction.

Counseling will get to the root cause of his attraction to porn. It will determine how serious it is and if therapy is necessitated. You will go to counseling, too, and the education about porn and porn addiction will be of great interest to you.

You will understand how men are visual creatures and just like looking at explicit scenes. You will learn more about your husband and what makes him tick and how his childhood beliefs may have brought on this addiction.

But please, if you love your husband, remember that you and he are on the same team--and keep it that way. If he needs help, help him get it. Any condemnation, threats, tirades, guilt trips will only make your marriage worse and put you on opposing sides.

Understanding the lure of titillating images

A good and solid marriage is crafted during the tough times. You can do this!

Hi AmAnDa,

Church groups run a counseling/recovery session called Celebrate Recovery. It's a 12-step program, based on Christian principles, that addresses sexual and drug addictions. You normally don't have to be a member. Some advertise new classes on their outside signs.

It's cheaper than a traditional counselor (usually only a charge for the workbook, if one at all) and has had some good results.

Good luck!

Trust is one of the major assets of a relationship. My first thought when I read your post, AmAnDa, is why do you feel the need to check what he is doing on his computer and cell phone? Has he given you other reasons to not trust him?

I think everyone has the right to some privacy, even from their mate at times. I do not intend to sound rude or accusatory, forgive me if my words do seem to be so.

It seems that "porn viewing" is becoming a common issue in relationships and it is very difficult for the partner of a porn viewer to understand why this is happening.

To find out the why could be the best step to take. I agree with Lori and Lyn that counseling may help your husband and even help you to understand. There are so many reasons why one would view porn -- one being the feeling of inadequacy or inhibitions with sexuality.

Some people see nothing wrong with this issue, others simply do not understand why it is happening. It can be hurtful to the partner, in this case you. So, it is important for you to help your husband find out why this is happening.

I wish you the best of luck and hope that all turns out well for you.

AmAnDa,

I'm glad you found this forum too.

Lori is a wonderful confidant and editor of this site.

I notice in your post you say you are 22 and have been maried 7 years.

That would make you 15 yrs. of age at being wed.

At 15 there is so much of the world that has not been seen. If you think of it, 5 or so of those years are just getting dependent on our own ability to walk.

After this, 10 years, isn't a great deal of time to breathe...get to know who YOU are, what YOU desire or want from life.

Porn, yes, can be a release (in general) BUT when a man seeks to marry at 15 a woman, because she hasn't seen so much of the world quite yet, what is it that compells to marry for life?

Marriage can be contractual or it can be more of a partnership. Partnerships are more like when you fall in love over again, through the trials of it all and you still have your best friend at your side.

What is it that your Spirit desires?

Hi there, If you want to check on your husband and verify if he has a Porn addiction, then have a look at the book named "Catch Me If You Know How". This book provides easy instructions about Porn related issues. You can also visit the website for further helpBellaOnline ALERT: Raw URLs are not allowed in these forums for security reasons. Please use UBB code. If you don't know how to do UBB code just post here for help - we will help out!

Hello Lor Thank you for that insightful piece regarding porn addiction. I recently discovered my fiance's addiction and have been in a roller coaster of emotions ever since. We communicate well with each other and at first he denied being an addict and then confessed to me that he was going to stop this porn viewing on his own after reading articles on the net which alluded to health problems such as Ed. He stopped for about 10 days and started his porn viewing again. This time even more deviant. I have found ways to check his online activity and have found recently where he is looking at beastiality photos, incestuous porn and men masturbating to pictures of women. I am at my wits end. I feel as if I do not know this person. He is perfect in every way except this demon that has consumed him. What do I do, now that he is lying. He has told me that i am square and need to be more liberal minded. Am I going crazy or what. Help!!!!

Thank you for sharing, mytruth. We're here for you. The thing is that porn viewing is not always an indicator of deviant sexuality, but in your fiance's case, his choice of porn subject reveals some disturbing news.

Males are visual creatures, and with the sex drive being among the human's basic needs...porn viewing is a strong lure. But vanilla-type subjects are pretty typical and tame. And, despite what others might believe, it does not lead to more deviant sexuality.

Unfortunately, the beastiality, incentuous porn...there are natural psychological defenses in a healthy human mind to find those repulsive.

You mention that this man is your fiance and not your husband. You say that he is perfect in every way, except for this porn addiction. I would venture that there could a lot about this man that you do not know. If you find this situation troubling, postpone marriage.

Also, you can't take his word about avoiding the porn because it is an addiction that he can't control. He may want to and be sincere about his pledge to quit, but he only will become better at hiding it. He's already begun to lie. Talk to any addict and you'll see that all the promises eventually are broken many times before a man overcomes.

This is a serious situation. What if you have children with this man? He is into incest. I'm not so harsh against porn or even some types of what could be defined as deviant sexuality but your fiance's porn choices show a type of broken psychology that has victims. Beastiality and incest are severe perversions that hurt others.

Being liberal is one thing. But you have to know your own boundaries. You are not going crazy, but thank your lucky stars that you can do something about this before getting married. You and he should get to marital counseling right away.

Do not take this lightly. Our sexuality (how we view sex and what turns us on) develops from an early age and becomes imbedded deeply. It is hard to change. It will require intense and committed counseling--and a serious desire on his part--to fix. As for your part in his healing, you'll have to not only be patient, but you will have to accept that 1. it will be a long and painful journey and 2. he may never change at all.

I am concerned and I think there is a lot more to him than I know. If this is just the tip of the iceberg who knows what else is lurking beneath. I have seen now where I can either choose to live with this or leave. I am not so hopeful about living with it, because I have now developed obsessive tendencies in trying to track him and to be honest with you, it wears me out, I really can't live like this and shouldn't have to. But it is so hard to leave. He is one of those addicts that is constantly wanting sex, and I am now beginning to think that his urges are based on being charged by viewing porn and not necessarily by viewing me. I am now beginning to think that his entire sexuality is wrapped up in this porn world......let me know your thoughts.

If you're worn out now, you honestly won't be able to go the distance with this man. You're smart that you see the choice before you.

It's always hard to leave, especially when you haven't yet reached the limit of your tolerance level. But don't wait until you do. There will be a lot of heartache and damage to your psyche by then.

I'm not saying that there couldn't be some redeeming qualities about him. And the sex with an addict always seems to have this impetuous, lusty, passionate quality about it. He makes you feel desired. You are desired. But sadly, you won't be enough for him. And then, you'll feel inadequate. You will see just what you suspect now--that his urges have little to do with you.

I don't know if his entire sexuality is wrapped up in porn, but his perverse sexuality is disturbing. In a very different and dark world.

Ask yourself what type of future you want and what type of future you see with this man.

Obsessive tendencies isn't going to change what's going on. So, in a way,fate is exhausting mute effort.

Healthy porn isn't so bad, it's when a person prefers porn over a human being or isn't turned on unless an "on-line" version of porn can be re-created, there can be a problem.

Pixles and airbrushing aren't real. It's as Lori mentions, 'a visual.'

As a fiance, I know it can feel you have already invested so much. But, marrying an addict? You'll invest more.

Engagement = assessing the future with the man or woman you'll spend the rest of your life with...or a good part of it anyway.

Speaking from a man's point of view, I think that viewing porn in moderation is perfectly normal! When you get into the weirder stuff then it can get tricky but imho as long as your man isn't ruining his life by chronically masturbating (ie. in the workplace or if it's preventing him from having a social life) then it's probably not that big of a deal. Also, just because he watches some weird stuff doesn't mean that he would act on it in real life... i watched the movie "hostel" and i'm not gonna chop up tourists, you know? That said, i'm no psychologist. it's just my opinion. thomas

I saw that movie. Kind of gross really, lol.

But, ya, I agree. Porn by itself isn't necessarily a bad thing, but I think - what I'm getting from these posts is that somehow porn is getting in the way of a fluent relation in the physical sense with their mate?

Even if it doesn't cost someone their job, if it gets in the way of a closeness within the relationship, that's a tough one. Because once you've seen some of the things you can via the internet, it's hard not to know that you have.

It's like the sexual boundaries have been crossed and now the "ho-hum" is just that, "ho-hum."

Looking through some of this stuff myself, it's kid of hard to turn yourself blue and grow horns. But...hey there's always tomorrow

Yeah there's DEFINITELY some strange stuff on the internet!! lol I agree with you though Elleise... if it's ruining your relationship then it's a big problem. If he's just hiding his casual porn viewing though it could be because he's embarrassed...

True. Lurid, taboo images can fascinate many people. HOWEVER, he is being turned on by incest and beastiality and that is disturbing. (I'm no prude, but one crosses the line when there are victims involved.)

Not being able to tear away your eyes from perverse images is one thing but being sexually stimulated by them is another.

You're comparing apples and oranges, thomas, when you say you can watch violence without wanting to commit violent acts. If this man is getting turned on by incest, he most definitely would be tempted to commit it if given an opportunity.

Hi Lori:

I am glad I decided to stop by your forum. I had posted about porn several months ago and have learn't some additional info from this new post. Thank you for taking the time to offer both comfort and info that has helped ME better understand. With me, it does not seem to be an addiction and I am working on not checking the dvd as I pass them(lol). Yes, those with all those "X"...

I had this problem with my first husband of 13 years. We NEVER had sex but boy, he loved his porn. We were much older though, I was 27 and divorced him when I was 40; he was 8 years older than me. I just attributed it to the fact that he didn't want to have sex with me. My current husband and I enjoy watching porn together to keep things interesting, and it's a lot of fun!