My aunt(blood rel.) who is divorced hosts many of the families gatherings. Her daughters are all adults now and she continues to include their father, her ex husband, in these celebrations. The gatherings are for her, our, side of the family and seeing as she has divorced her husband is it not inappropriate to incourage his participation in OUR get togethers? I can see how it would be good for the kids to have their father and mother together for a christmas event, but should that not be done on their own day. It's my opinion that a gathering for the extended family on my aunt's side should not include her ex-husband, for while he may continue to have connections to the children his ties to the rest of us have been cut. It's even to the point where he's included in pulling gift tickets for Christmas. Why should any of us want to purchase a gift for someone's ex? The fact that even before the divorce he was not well liked and extremely rude and disrespectful only adds to the frustration of the situation. Guess who got his ticket this year!

What is the etiquette regarding this situation? Is it wrong to ask my aunt to stop including him?

I feel your pain! My family started hosting a reunion and apparently as long as you're related in any way to even ONE member of the family, you can participate, and I just don't agree.

Now on to your question. I could tell that you aren't too fond of this guy. But technically since your aunt is the hostess, you have to deal with whomever she decides to invite.

NO, it would not be wrong for you to sit down with you aunt (or call her) and let her know how you feel (without getting angry) about her ex-husband and the family gatherings being restricted to close family only. But keep in mind that if she disagrees with you and wants to continue inviting this man, then you have no choice but to either try to get along with him, avoid him at the next party, or host the next party yourself and let your aunt know that it will be a family only event.

And on the bright side, getting him a gift might be therapeutic, right? <img src="/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

I know that this reply comes a little late, being as though Christmas has passed, but since it will come around again, in some shape, form or fashion, next year, I feel that I should still offer a suggestion. I, myself am a child of divorced parents. When I first read about how your aunt included her ex-husband in family events, I was both very happy and slightly envious. My mother and father actually do not talk at all. In the event that one speaks to the other a fight is sure to ensue. Both on their own are good people with loving families (both have remarried), but the two could never be in the same room together.

Be that as it may, you do have a point. I�m not sure how your family handles the actual celebration of Christmas. In my family I spend the morning with my mother, step-father, and sisters. The afternoon I spend with my father and then I return to my mother�s for dinner. Maybe a day splitting like this would be more equitable for you and those who do not like your aunt�s ex-husband. Maybe he can even come over for whatever meal you have, but then you do not have to be concerned with a gift exchange and you still get to spend some family time together that is limited to blood family.

Please let me know what happened this Christmas and your opinion on this idea. I am quite interested as you and yours are in an interesting modern situation that has not been addressed by classic etiquette.