Childhood Pelvic Exams - 11/03/09 11:46 PM
I am trying to sort out some thoughts. The whole thing has been brought up by the fact that my doctor has required that I make an office appointment before she will authorize another refill on my birth control. I suspect that she wants to do a pap--can't think of any other reason she would need to see me. On with the story:
I have absolutely no idea how common this situation is, but when I was very young (around four or five, I would guess) I was subject to a pelvic exam during a routine checkup. (According to my mother I had been examined before by a different Dr. on account of vaginal infections, but I don't actually remember previous examinations.) What I remember of the exam is sparse and probably unreliable. Up until a couple years ago when I spoke to my parents about it the whole situation was a mystery to me, and this is all I retained of it: I remember being very afraid, being alone in the room with the doctor, I remember being examined and I remember the Doctor asking me strange questions. She asked me if anyone had ever done this to me before, and when I apparently said yes she asked if it was a male, if the lights were out, other specifics. In my memory she turned the lights out and the room was dark while she questioned me, but I have doubts as to whether that is a reliable memory or not. The only other thing I remember is my mother promising me that no one would ever examine me again without my permission. I hung onto that for 17 years until some issues forced me to get a pap.
When I discussed the situation with my parents as an adult some blanks were filled in. My mother did not realize that a pelvic would be involved in the check-up. In the exam room the doctor abruptly pulled my skirt down and I flipped, grabbing onto my mother and refusing to let go. The doctor told my mother to leave the room and she did. When the doctor was finished she told my mother that I had admitted to being sexually abused. In the car my mom asked me who had touched me, and I told her I couldn't remember if it was that doctor or the other doctor--apparently I didn't tell the doctor that because I didn't want to hurt her feelings. My mom told the doctor this and she didn't believe her. Around the same time my school informed my parents I was apparently self-mutilating (hitting myself), among other things. It was a frightening time for my parents--it was clear that my father was being suspected, and they thought they might even lose me.
After the exam I had frequent nightmares about being abused. Sexual contact sometimes triggered a sickness in my stomach and a feeling similar to homesickness. My relationship with my father deteriorated when I was very young. I stopped hugging him, and I found that being near him made me feel sick. We have just now began to hug one another again. I don't believe I was ever actually abused. I feel that the actions of the doctor confused me, and planted ideas in my head. I do not know exactly what she did, or if it was common practice. I feel silly for being so traumatized over something that wasn't even proper abuse.
Thinking about this makes me very angry. Why is it that a doctor can do these things to a frightened child without any sort of consent, but it isn't considered abusive or traumatizing? I did not understand the difference between doctor and stranger as a child. I did not understand the difference between "okay" touching and "molestation". All I understood was that no one was supposed to do that to me but she DID.
I am so sorry for rambling. I have not ever REALLY talked about this and I guess I had a lot to say. I hope someone can give me some input. I don't have children right now but I probably will someday... I can't even imagine letting a doctor conduct a pelvic exam on my child, but is that something I will [i]have[/i] to face? Is it unusual for someone to be traumatized from this? Is there a reason that doctor examinations are not traumatizing to other children? Was my situation unique, was the doctor inappropriate, or did I just have an unusual reaction to it?