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Posted By: Erika - Siblings Good adult sibling relationships - 09/26/07 01:39 PM
Hello, all~

I hope the adult sibling articles are helpful and interesting to you. Just want you to know that I am also planning to do some articles about more positive aspects of adult sibling relationships as well. It's not all bad for everyone, I realize that. I wanted to speak to the difficulty some people have with their families because it seems to be resonating.

I will also give a nod to those who either have good relationships already or those who have a good chance of making a so-so relationship somewhat better. I hope you will continue to enjoy what I am writing. And, as always, if there is a topic you'd like to see me explore more, I'd love to hear your thoughts.

Erika
Posted By: Sheryl M Re: Good adult sibling relationships - 09/30/07 10:16 PM
Hi
I'm a new user and wasn't sure how to post. I have had a rocky relationship with my only sister since I can remember. We are now in our early 50s. My Father passed away a week ago and we were both with him when he died. My sister is an alcoholic and has been abusing my Mum and myself. I have had enough. She has always hated anyone that became close to my parents- particularly my Father but she wasn't upset when he passed. She just wanted to arrange the funeral the way she wanted it. The eulogy which she wrote and delivered was all about her. I asked for a couple of lines to be put in and she wouldn't. I just want to understand why she behaves like this.
Posted By: Lisa_Orlando Re: Good adult sibling relationships - 10/01/07 12:27 AM
Originally Posted By: Sheryl M
Hi
I'm a new user and wasn't sure how to post. I have had a rocky relationship with my only sister since I can remember. We are now in our early 50s. My Father passed away a week ago and we were both with him when he died. My sister is an alcoholic and has been abusing my Mum and myself. I have had enough. She has always hated anyone that became close to my parents- particularly my Father but she wasn't upset when he passed. She just wanted to arrange the funeral the way she wanted it. The eulogy which she wrote and delivered was all about her. I asked for a couple of lines to be put in and she wouldn't. I just want to understand why she behaves like this.


Is your sisters name Donna? Just kidding, she sounds just like my sister Donna. I have to tell you that IF you are a normal person, you will probably never truly understand why this person behaves this way. Continueing to have her in your life and let her get away with her behavior is enabling her and letting her steal your life from you. Get away from her as fast as you can.

I have had to do this with both my brother and sister. When my Father died, it was a nightmare. There was always jealousy, to me thats what sibling relationship is, its all about control and jealousy, self absorption and manipulation. I am the youngest so I get hit with alot of it and my parents seemed powerless to see what was happening or to protect me.

My siblings are like people who are drowning, they will drag me down with them since I would prefer to live and don't have the ability to help them, I have let them go. I have made it known in the past that I think they need help which of course they will not get. I am the only member of a completely disfunctional family who has gone to a therapist in an effort to live a REAL life.

I am sorry for your loss, loosing a parent, even when your grown up can feel like its turning your life on end, I know it did mine. Don't allow your sister to get away with this anymore. If she is abusing your elderly Mother, you are legally bound to report her to the authories, Elder Abuse is no different then Child Abuse and is investigated in a similar fashion. It would be good to get as much evidence as you can of your sisters drinking problem and her abuses to hand over to the authorities. Depending on what they find, it could result on a restraining order.

That might sound extreme, you probably have always thought about your family being together no matter how sick your sister is. However, keeping it all together is what is feeding your sisters disfunction. Cut her off and make her take responsibility for her own life or you will enable her to continue.
Posted By: Sheryl M Re: Good adult sibling relationships - 10/01/07 10:08 PM
Thank you Lisa- I have known for a while that I need to let her go and hope she survives but I've always put it off because I didn't want to abandon her. The time has come. I just hope Mum can do the same. In the past, when my sister has hurt her emotionally Mum has broken away from her for a little while, only to find a reason to forgive her. When Dad was alive, he'd cry about the things my sister said and did and swear never to go near her and two weeks later he's be staying there again. I'll certainly stick to my guns and let her go. Thanks again.
Posted By: Lisa_Orlando Re: Good adult sibling relationships - 10/01/07 10:14 PM
Originally Posted By: Sheryl M
Thank you Lisa- I have known for a while that I need to let her go and hope she survives but I've always put it off because I didn't want to abandon her. The time has come. I just hope Mum can do the same. In the past, when my sister has hurt her emotionally Mum has broken away from her for a little while, only to find a reason to forgive her. When Dad was alive, he'd cry about the things my sister said and did and swear never to go near her and two weeks later he's be staying there again. I'll certainly stick to my guns and let her go. Thanks again.


I can imagine how hard it is for your Mother. It might help to speak with a counselor about it, maybe that can confirm for your Mom that letting her go would be the best thing for her. How old is your Mother? It sounds like your Mother might need some protection from your sister.

I feel for you, its hard to have no family.
Posted By: Sheryl M Re: Good adult sibling relationships - 10/03/07 12:56 AM
Mum is 78. She is currently staying at an Aunts who is screening her calls. Another Aunt and Uncle live close by and have been a great support to Mum and Dad and me. This Aunt is a Lifeline counselor and has been speaking with Mum about my sister. Maybe Mum needs someone who isn't so close to have a talk to. I'll see what I can arrange. I am going up to see Mum tomorrow and I'll tell her that I've decided to move on with my life without my sister(G). I have regular sessions with a therapist due to long term depression problems that I'm finally getting on top of. I've told my therapist about my sister and she too has advised me to stay away from her. Guess I'm a slow learner. Mum is worried that G will try to get my Dads ashes from the funeral director to be spiteful. I'll attend to that while I'm up there. Mum is upset enough about losing Dad after 61 years without this trash from G. My sisters son is just as bad but with him it is drugs and booze. Mum has already forgiven him for the tantrum he had at the hospital.He was high as a kite and said that if Dad was going to die they should stop wasting drugs on him. I'll never speak to him again. I'll be away for 2 days as but I'll let you know how things pan out. Thanks Lisa. It's great to "talk" with you.
Posted By: Lisa_Orlando Re: Good adult sibling relationships - 10/03/07 02:23 AM
OH dear, it does sound like you have a terrible deal when it comes to the goings on in your family. I have had similar things happen.

I also have suffered from depression but the anxiety is what gets too me worse, I have anxiety attacks and have since I was a child. Our family had wars for holiday celebrations and I was always looking for a way out.

I am glad you can do something to protect your poor Mother, it sounds like she has been through the ringer. You might be right, an outsider might be a good thing.

I know the only peace I have had in my life is when I don't have my brother and sister in the middle of it. In fact I don't talk to either of them. My gut no longer get knots in it when the phone rings or when there is a knock at the door. I haven't had a panic attack since I last spoke with my sister.

I hope you can do something to help your Mother feel better.

Sheryl,

Wow - I've been away from the forum for a few days and I just read your correspondence with Lisa. You truly do have quite a painful situation. However, it does also seem like you have your mom somewhat insulated from your sister, which is good.

Unfortunately, your sister is like a loose cannon. She has had a lifetime of bad habits and survival-level coping mechanisms that she has never let go of. They may have actually been somewhat adaptive and useful during some very difficult times in her younger life. However, sometimes people don't let go of those coping mechanisms even when the situations don't warrent them anymore. So all the self protection they used becomes fiercely engrained into their daily life and relationships.

Her actions to you, though they can be personally vindictive, are actually not unique. She probably treats nearly everyone that way. It's all about looking out for "number one." It is really sad, but she probably doesn't understand or trust your attempts to stick around and "not abandon her." Your compassion is like a language she doesn't understand. Whatever it is that she has needed to fill in the empty hole in her life, you can't give it to her. The empty chasm is just too big, so you putting up with her abuse to "not abandon her" has most likely not really mattered to her all this time. You are very wise to be done with her altogether, from what you have said.

I'll look forward to hearing about the rest of your story soon as well. Best wishes to you.

Erika
Posted By: Lisa_Orlando Re: Good adult sibling relationships - 10/03/07 09:10 PM
Erika, I look at my brother and sister and realize the same thing. When babies are first born, they think they are the center of the universe, no one else, nothing else matters as much as their diaper getting changed, or them getting to sleep or being fed.

Hopefully when we grow up, that changes, with my siblings, they have remained that way. They are very manipulative and harmfull to those around them. They become so overly enmeshed in your life if you give them the chance. As a result, I have become almost bizarrely concerned about my independence and privacy. I grew up with them in the middle of my life in a very intrusive way. I was adopted when my parents were in their mid 40s and my brother and sister took it upon themselves to behave as if they are my parents also, and of course my parents didn't do anything to stop them. I am 40 now and they still are doing this.

I realize its not all about me though because I see they treat others the same way.
Posted By: Maxwell Re: Good adult sibling relationships - 10/04/07 01:15 AM
Its interesting that sibling relationships can also become strained and difficult when spouses come along - my four siblings were my friends, we socialized together on a regular basis and always helped each other out. We are all very different people but I think watching Mum and Dad struggle to raise us created a bond between us - we have always looked out for each other. About 2 years ago one of my brothers became involved with a woman - a single mother of 3 receiving no child support, an unstable woman with damaged kids - she was pregnant in the blink of an eye and now my brothers life is a mess. We can all see she has manipulated him out of existence. She has slowly estranged my brother from his family so that now we rarely hear from him. Apart from my mother - they need her as the full time babysitter. I think that the decision not to see a close family member is difficult - you are living "without seeing someone who was significant in your past" - but if the relationship is just plain destructive to your life or makes you unhappy then you have to do it - end the contact. I still try to maintain some contact with my brother - he is 8 years younger than me - part of me wants to be there when he falls - I know him well and I feel he is close to breaking point.
You never know how life is going to turn out - be very sure of the people you trust!
Posted By: Sheryl M Re: Good adult sibling relationships - 10/11/07 12:24 AM
Hi All

I have been reading all the posts and nodding all the time recognizing similar threads. My sister has always been spiteful and self centered. She married both times for money. My current brother in law is a wonderful man. He puts up with her berating him every night. I haven't heard from him for a week. He'll be under strict orders not to ring me or Mum. I hope he finds the strength to walk away too. Mum is doing as well as can be expected. She is fretting over my sister though and upset that my sisters son has made no attempt to contact her either. I'm ringing her everyday. We live 4 hours drive apart. I have felt really down the past two days. More so than even just after Dad passed away. I think the realty has hit me that I don't have him anymore. I have to go back to work on Monday so that will give me something to do. I'm just going to put one foot in front of the other for a while.
Posted By: Craft Diva Re: Good adult sibling relationships - 01/17/08 10:43 PM
Wow I finally found a place where someone knows what I am talking about. My favorite saying are siblings are highly overrated. And if you knew my siblings especially my sister you would agree. Things have never been good between us because she holds on to the past and has a lot of resentment in her heart. I just pray that one day she will change.
Posted By: Keaghry Re: Good adult sibling relationships - 01/17/08 11:13 PM
Oh lord, the holding on to the past part, my sisters are really good at that. We are all approaching middle age, and they still think I know nothing and never will.
Do you know about the "sibling positions"? I can't remember what it is called, but, I mean like the oldest child is always the leader, the youngest is always the baby till becoming an adult then taking over the leadership role, the oldest daughter is always the nurturer, etc........
I know that as the middle of seven, I have always been able to see both sides and help mediate.
Posted By: CrochetQueen Re: Good adult sibling relationships - 02/27/08 08:09 PM
WOW, I am one lucky girl. Now don't get me wrong we have gotten in some "I'm never talking to you again EVER" brawls before but it never last. I have 3 brothers and 2 sisters, I am 2nd to the oldest and we get along very well. As a matter of fact my youngest brother thinks he is my "Mom" so to speak. I know with 100% certainty that no matter what I do, and no matter what they do, we will help each and stick together always. I'm sorry to hear that this isn't always the case in other families.
Posted By: amykitty Re: Good adult sibling relationships - 06/16/08 04:25 PM
I am currently trying to deal with the spouse situation. However, it is the spouse of my husband's brother that is causing a problem on his side of the family. It's amazing what a huge wedge she has driven between my brother-in-law and his parents and brother (my husband). My inlaws are the sweetest people and I really can't understand the differences that have driven them apart. They are the type of people that would do anything for you and rarely have an unkind word about anyone. IN FACT, they have praised my sister in law and her parenting abilities. Over the years whatever differences that have occurred are not easily forgot by SIL. She told me this weekend she has printed and saved all the emails from them to prove how mean they have been to her. Needless to say I feel caught in the middle of this quarrling family and don't know how to bring my husband closer with his brother and the family together. Any suggestions?? It is just so sad that such a nice family has drifted apart because of ONE person.
Posted By: flowers1010 Re: Good adult sibling relationships - 10/14/08 11:48 PM
Hi. I am new to this forum and I am not sure if this is the right place to post my rantings! LOL But this particular issue does apply to my younger brother so I figured I'd start out here. I was 6 years old when my brother was born. Both my parents were really young. It wasnt a good time for them to have children. I quickly realized that I would have to watch out and help care for my brother. Through this my brother and I have created a huge bond. My brother was a little slow with his developmental skills. He had a hard time in school as a result. I have always had to come to his aide in so many ways. I never cared that I did. My heart would just break if I thought he was hurting or unhappy. My mother moved away when I was ten and didnt come back into the picture until I was almost 20! As a result my brother wouldnt know who she was if he tripped over her! Now all these years have gone by and it has come to my attention that my beloved and adored baby brother has a severe Drug problem. I am just so overwhelmed with grief and guilt. I cant fix this for him I can not protect him from it. I am just so very stressed Most siblings fight but I dont have that issue. I feel more like his mother than his sister and I am literally dieing inside. My entire life is effected by this issue and i am overloaded with stress and grief. I guess does anyone here have any experience with siblings who have drug problems. Any suggestions on how I can find a method for myself to just relax. I am at a point where I am getting lost in his addiction. the thought of him in some street using is almost unbearable. If I had the ability to give up my life so that he could lead a healthy and positive life I swear I would lay down and hand over the last breath I have in my lungs. I feel like I am watching him die slowly and in the process every ounce of life in me is going with it. I dont know anyone who has a sibling with a drug issue it would be nice to get some advice from someone who could understand where i am coming from. My brother has had it so hard. Our lives were not easy...I prevailed and am ok I guess I thought he would be to...........sorry this is so whiney and long sometimes I need to vent.....ya know to someone who doesnt know me all that well....Thanks guys...
Posted By: "Rosie" Re: Good adult sibling relationships - 10/15/08 09:19 AM
Newbies, welcome to the forum, hope yous enjoy your stay!
Rosie
Posted By: irish6605 Re: Good adult sibling relationships - 11/21/08 04:41 PM
I am sorry to hear of everyone's issues with siblings. I have a similar story but with a twist! I am the baby of 6 children. Our mother passed when i was 3 and my father remarried a woman with 2 adult children (who were married). I was 3 1/2 at the time and my eldest sister - 13. A hard time. My mother came from a large family - 8 kids (irish catholic) and my father was an only child. When my mother passed all her sisters and grandparents tried to help out my father (6 kids in the 60's) - even suggesting separating us in 2's but my father was determined to keep us together. His solution - get married. My step-mother unfortunately saw a man with money - a house - and position and i believe (as ive grown into my own world)she saw an advantage and grabbed it.

I don't think my father 'loved' her - i think he was looking for someone as a companion. This caused alot of tension between all of us - but i was so young i didn't understand until my teens. My father expected my siblings to call our step mother 'mom' and refused to talk about our mother or her death. My step mother took advantage of the situation - and caused alot of issues with my siblings and father. As i got older i got more rebellious - and at 16 left home - for good. I was going to college -but i ended up moving in with friends. I couldn't take the tension anymore.

My siblings didn't like me. I was the baby and therefore got everything they didn't (as they perceive it). Sure - i got it all - i got to listen to them argue and fight -and pull me in the middle of it all - and be left alone alot etc. I got it all - believe i felt lucky!

When i had my first child i tried to reconcile with them - but at his point only me and one of my siblings were talking and had a close relationship. The rest were fighting still over issues from our childhood. I tried to keep them involved in my life but it became so hard to listen to them griping about my father - when i had had such a different relationship with him. It hurt.

Jump ahead a few years and my father becomes ill - and ends up in hospital. I have to call the siblings that have not had contact with him in years and let them know he's sick. They all show up but no one talks to the step parent - that's my job - since i do have a relationship with her (somewhat). It was then that my father told me they were getting a divorce (i was in my 30's and married with children). We all worked together and we realised it was better for them to split.

5 years ago my father became very ill - and i was there everyday caring for him-talking to him etc. He passed and it was very difficult for me. My husband was my rock! Alot of my family lives away from where my father passed so i invited them to my house as my father wanted to be cremated and buried with my mother - which was 8 hours away. We had to make plans. So i got the liquor and food and we sat outside. The couldn't stop saying bad things about my father - what a terrible person he was - how he didn't do a good job -and that's why they all had issues with alcohol and neediness (my father was an alcoholic until he got dementia and then quit). I do not drink.

I wanted to yell - to scream at the top of my lungs - get out of my house - but i didn't. 6 months later we met up at one of my siblings house -who lived in the city where my mother was buried. We had a nice service and then went to my siblings house - where it all started again. I'd finally had it - and told them. They more or less told me that i was always priviledged - and i didn't know how they felt or what they had to go through. I thought i did - but - they were right and i was wrong.

I have since gone to counselling - and read LOTS of books about 'motherless daughters' and its helped me to understand what they went through -at first i was so angry - but i began to realise that their anger was coming from somewhere - and i didn't have that anger (or so i thought).

A year after my father passed - my step-mother died. Then the anger came out! My siblings called and gave me their condolenses but refused to go to the funeral. I met my step-siblings (who ive remained close to) and went. I found out that i was very angry with my step mother. She wasn't a nice person. She pitted my father against my siblings and oftentimes told him things that were untrue (didn't know this before). My step-siblings were very supportive as they had gone thru the same thing when they were young.


I had to learn to let go. I have since kept in contact (by email) with some of my siblings. We have talked about everything - and at times disagree - and don't speak for weeks - but we've opened the lines of communication. We've agreed to disagree. They had a very different upbringing than i did. They lost their mother at a very formative time in their lives. I was too young to know the difference at first. My father should've facilitated a good relationship between my step parent and all of us - but instead he was often absent and/or drinking.

We are all older and our kids are now young adults. We have all decided that a little contact is fine - the cousins all keep in close contact - but we as siblings - only a little bit. One of my siblings and i have remained very very close - and i depend on their opinion alot. I do not -nor do i think -will i ever have the same feelings for them as i do for her.

Age often helps to erase the past - along with it alot of nasty and cold feelings. It makes us try to see the good in people - especially when our kids grow up and question why we want them to be close to their siblings - when we are not with ours.
Posted By: Nina - Siblings Re: Good adult sibling relationships - 11/22/08 06:31 PM
I'm sorry to hear about your troubles Flowers1010. Unfortunately, I have seen siblings in such situations and the entire family is in crisis. Many experts will tell you the same thing. Don't be an enabler. Your brother has to make a decision to get help to get him on the right track and then make a decision everyday to stay on the right track. Even though you would like to do it for him, you can't and most loved ones wind up enabling the addict, making it easy to continue on the wrong path.

Your brother may have to hit "rock bottom" as they say before he makes his decision and this will be very painful for you to watch. My suggestion is to search around your local area for a councelor or support groups who can help you through this. Check into local drug treatment programs that you can direct your brother to as an encouragement to get treatment. Love him through it because he shouldn't have to go it alone once he starts treatment, but you might have to do it from a distance.
Posted By: irish6605 Re: Good adult sibling relationships - 11/25/08 02:35 PM
hi flowers - i just read your post. I am sorry to hear of your troubles and have some advice - although not professional. I did not have a sibling -but my best friend - who grew up with me-hung around our house-we were like sisters. We did everything together - her mom was an alcoholic and my father an alcoholic so we used each other as sounding boards. We spent so much time together - that as we grew up - married - had children (our children are close in age -she had 3 girls i had 3 boys) - we were always there for one another. If anything happened to her - it was like it was happening to me.

Her mom drifted in and out of her life and because of her alcoholism -it caused alot of issues for my sister (best friend). I will call her sister -my kids think of her that way. I thought because we both had the same issues that we would never have to deal with it in our own lives.

I would visit - and they would have parties - i never drank - but she did. Then she got cancer - and we almost lost her - i felt crushed. Then she had back surgery - she was in alot of pain - dealing with a mastectomy -and she started using alcohol and pain killers. I didn't know at first. I was shocked when her husband told me what was happening. Keep in mind - we saw each other almost every day. Shared everything - so i confronted her...and she said that she needed it.

We talked alot - but she needed help i couldn't give her and she wasn't willing to help herself. Her marriage ended and her kids slowly left. It was from talking to them that i found out they had gone thru the same issues we had as kids. I thought if i appealed to her sense of family (she was an awesome mom!) that she would stop - she wouldn't.

She hit bottom - lost everything - her family - her husband - and yes - even me. I couldn't let me kids around that anymore - it was damaging to all of us. I tried to reconnect a few years ago - but it was difficult to see her like that. I tried to help but she didn't want it. She was happy being depressed (i don't think happy - but used to it). She was spiralling out of control - but really didn't want to hear anything.

Unfortunately sometimes all we can do is be there for them. Listen to them. We tried everything with her. Counselling - pain reducing meds etc. The pain was too great for her-and she couldn't see past it. I've tried to be there for her - but it's difficult when someone doesn't see the problem....when someone can't see the light at the end of the tunnel. She did have problems - but ones that could've been managed - helped even. Her girls - despite the issues have turned into wonderful girls -they love their mom so much and remember what she used to be like - they are lucky to have a dad who is very involved with them too....and a family of support. But not having your mom is the worse scenario for a young girl.

My prayers are with you as you walk down this path. Love isn't a cure unfortunately - although it's a good medicine. Sometimes -just sometimes we can help them through to the other side....good luck and keep us posted
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