BellaOnline Forums Family Special Needs Children Discouraging Defiant Behavior

Children have many reasons they display defiant behavior, and in some situations it is very important that they communicate "NO."
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However, for families who are struggling with defiant behavior - what techniques and strategies have you found helpful in reducing defiance?

Pam W
SE of Seattle

have you ever tried rewarding GOOD behavior rather than bribing away bad behavior?

We went through a spell last year where our daughter was just being obstinate especially at school. I did not want to punish her half the day, that just sets up more negative behaviors.

So we thought about it and decided to reward GOOD behavior, in the hopes it would incite more of the same. What we did was buy some of the pretend money, tokens would work just fine too. We bought pretend coins at walmart in the stationery aisle.

Then we hit the art section, and picked up small packs of markers, glue sticks, art supplies. A few art kit things, like 2 bucks each. Then the dollar store, and a small supply of cheap toys that might interest her...plastic microphone, coloring books, harmonica, stuff like that.

Once we had things in order, we made a token jar out of an old coffee can, let her help decorate it as it was HER project. Then, we began rewarding good behavior whenever we saw it, "you are being SO good, I think you have earned a token for the token jar!"

At first, we were very liberal with tokens, and we NEVER used them as a negative..never said "oh, no tokens for you, that was naughty" but always made tokens a positive thing she could earn with GOOD behavior.

For the first week, every night after her bath and getting ready for bed (it sure helped move THAT along too, lol) we would sit on my bed and count tokens.

We would count them, but at first we never made it an issue of having to have "such and such a number", we just said "look at all these tokens you have earned! You sure have been being a great listener today!" and we would allow her to "buy" one small item from the "store" we had set up in a box in my room.

After a few days of getting used to the token system, they became a bit harder to earn, werent given SO liberally, but for truly good behavior, compliance, and good manners.

A few times, when we had to go places that were particularly stressful or required extra good listening, we would add one of the "bigger" prizes into the token box, and she would light up when she saw it.

We would tell her how wonderfully she had behaved and how proud we were of her, and she could pick that token prize. Before long, she was absolutely compliant ALL the time. We were having no issues with not listening, and her attitude was becoming very positive.

Im sure it was as much for the praise as for the token prizes. Within a few weeks, we were able to reduce the token prizes and the use of the tokens themselves, and we would have a "token promise" to have extra good behavior.

It was a verbal commitment between us that she was going to be extra good and listen well, and Mom and Dad would spend some extra time or maybe we could pick up a movie, or buy an ice cream, whatever.

It works out in the end that you will be buying your child things as you go along, or doing regular things like ice cream or trips to the pool. Those things become the reward, as does the praise that you learn to use generously. It begins as bribery, for sure, but in the end it really feels like you have made positive changes in BOTH of you.

You will find you are more inclined to notice and appreciate the good behaviors, and they will know what pleases you and earns them token promises, whatever those promises are in your family is up to you.

What a wonderful strategy to turn things around for your daughter! Thank you. Sometimes the most difficult behavior to change is how we react to a child's defiance.

Pam W
SE of Seattle
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How do you tell the difference between age-appropriate (unacceptable) defiant behavior, and emotional melt downs due to disability or other challenges?

Do you use the same strategies for both, and what are they?

It would also be handy to have a list of 'snappy comebacks' for strangers who are free with their advice and opinions at the worst possible times!

Thanks!

Pam W
SE of Seattle

Applied Behavior Analysis (ABA) is a wonderful way to figure out what sets off misbehavior and defiance in our children, as well as what they are communicating, and leads to options that work better for them and us.

One family's experience is documented and available online in PDF form at

http://www.cdss.ca/en/resources/personal_stories/ABA%20by%20Liz%20Steele.pdf

Pam W
SE of Seattle

Asking More from Medical Professionals
http://www.bellaonline.com/articles/art39121.asp

Have you seen the "Whole Child" series on PBS?

The narrator talks very calmly about what is appropriate behavior at each age, and how teachers, parents and other caregivers can respond in ways that build children's trust and self esteem and avoid having them be 'little tyrants.' I especially enjoy it because they include children with disabilities, who are sometimes held to a higher standard of behavior than their mainstream peers, and other times typical behavior is attributed to their diagnoses rather than their ages.

Pam W
SE of Seattle

Using Behavior as Communication
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Thanks for that excellent list of resources Pam!

I just thought I'd add a quick technique that works for me.

My 5 yr old has Aspergers and is usually ok behaviour wise, but needs constant prodding and assistance. However, he can also suddenly become quite defiant and has had problems at school, especially with refusing to follow directions to stop doing something.

I don't know why, but I've realized that the threat of a time out really sets him off and makes him out of control.

However, knowing that he is driven by emotion and approval, what we realize works amazingly well is to use a happy or sad face sticker or drawing to communicate displeasure. At the daycare, if he ever 'earns' a sad face for inappropriate behaviour, he's eager to convert it to a happy face. Just tell him how and he'll immediately change his behaviour.

I've used it successfully at home too. Now, as soon as the defiant behaviour starts, all I need to do is ask him to make a choice between having a happy face sticker or sad face sticker hanging on the wall.

So far he has always immediately improved his behaviour.

And I am ecstatic that I have an easy tool to use.

Hope that helps someone else as well.

Ciao
Anna

That's a great strategy to share with other moms - thanks a bunch!

A mom/first grade teacher referred me to an amazing website that offers strategies for classroom teachers and explains the major methods used for effective and appropriate behavior management that you might find interesting, from Thomas McIntyre, behavior advisor.

I have linked it from several of my articles (below) as well as his book for children, a 'behavior survival guide for making good choices'

Here's to a mild and enjoyable summer for all!

Pam W
SE of Seattle


Using Behavior as Communication
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For a while my son started taking more time to do everything
when we did not schedule enough time for him to do what he
needed to do and the transition time he needed between activities. People would run out of patience about two
minutes before he was ready, and the next time it would
take him an extraten minutes to do the task.

I think it takes him a lot more time to process people's complaints and then back to what he was doing each time
he is interrupted. He told me once that there were 'too
many bookmarks' in his mind. What might look like
stubbornness or defiance could just be the gears
grinding slower when there are interruptions from
people practicing their impatience.

[quote=SNC_Editor_Pam]Have you seen the "Whole Child" series on PBS?

The narrator talks very calmly about what is appropriate behavior at each age, and how teachers, parents and other caregivers can respond in ways that build children's trust and self esteem and avoid having them be 'little tyrants.' I especially enjoy it because they include children with disabilities, who are sometimes held to a higher standard of behavior than their mainstream peers, and other times typical behavior is attributed to their diagnoses rather than their ages.

Pam W
SE of Seattle

Using Behavior as Communication
BellaOnline ALERT: For anti-spam reasons, we restrict the number of URLs allowed in a given post. You have exceeded our maximum number of URLs.