BellaOnline Forums Family Step Parenting adult stepdaughters

I have posted before here and I'm not really sure why I've received a few looks but only a response or two. I'm rather new and maybe you all have a tight group or something. Nonetheless, I have a bit of good news compared to my other posts and would appreciate any insight you may have on how to proceed next.

After 7 mo. SD, 24, is moving out of our house and in w/ her sister and sister's bf to our rental house. I pray I'm not back here in a week, crying that they'll never the pay the rent and DH won't force them to be responsible!

I am thrilled to have my house back, my privacy back, and to not have an extra person to cook for and clean up after. However, since things have improved since our April fight, I have a few questions:

I'd love to have the atmosphere that my parents had at their house for as long as I can remember. Every Sunday, Dad cooked out on the grill and Mom made side dishes and pretty much the whole family got together - my brother and I, our cousin who was raised by my parents, my g-father (passed away 2 sad years ago), and anyone else important to us. Sometimes it was neighbors who joined us when their houses weren't happy - my parents house was the sanctuary for two families who divorced, had moms w/ problems, etc. Other times, it was those any of us dated. Anyway, I'd love to have that same gathering at our house.

I'm trying to walk a fine line w/ my adult skids since the two SDs will be living very close to us w/ the one's bf. I don't want the type of arrangement where they barge in at all hours, raid our frig, use our work-out room as their private gym, use our pool all day whenever they feel like it, but I would like to have an established "Sunday" get together or something. I really want to be close w/o being taken advantage of.

I really don't want to open a can of worms, but I don't know exactly how to say that I'd love Sundays (or another time convenient to all) to be a day when they're all welcomed to plop in on us, swim, eat, etc. w/o sounding like they can't ever come by w/o notice. I don't mind if they have keys to our place, it doesn't matter, but I would like the same courtesy given to me that I will give to them. I won't be going over to their house (we own it, they will be renters) unannounced, and while I don't think they shouldn't ever feel free to stop by, I worry that they'll become people like my brother (goes to my parents' kitchen to do his grocery shopping!)

Any suggestions about setting boundaries, but still having a relaxed atmosphere? I want them to be close to my young sons, but since my boys are young, they have schedules to remain on, esp. once school begins.
These girls have caused me a ton of grief in my 10 years of marriage to their father, but I'm trying to look to a brighter future, etc. Their brother has taken the path of being a deadbeat son, a loser, worrying us about his whereabouts, his well-being, quitting school, refusing to work, shafting us on lots of money - me esp, since I was stupid enough to cosign a student loan for him a few years ago. The girls, however, have seemed a little better, though all have a huge sense of entitlement. I'm hopeful that they'll finally be independent...

Dana

When you inherit step children, you inherit children, no matter their age. And you do inherit them, whether you or they want it or not.

Kids are kids. Some grow up fast, mature fast, move out on their own fast. Most of us don't. Actually, the fact is that most of us can't. It's expensive to live on your own, and I personally think that a person's early 20s are for playing around and discovering yourself rather than being ratcheted into your parents lives.

My step-dad could complain about how much my mom has helped me, my brother, my sister, etc. But rather than be angry about our poor choice and mistakes he is glad that my mom helps up out so that we don't have to fall flat and try to figure out how to get up again. Maybe you had it harder and resent that their father is helping them out?

As for the gathering idea, my role-model is actually my ex's step-mother. She and I still talk, and I have never met anyone who manages her own family and her step family with such grace. Simply put, she marks no distinction between her own kids and the children who came before. They are all her sons and daughters, and she would actually be offended to be told otherwise. This isn't to say she doesn't recognize their mothers, she definately does. But when you come to her house knowing right away that whatever screw ups you made, you are not only welcome but no judegement is applied, you can't help but be relaxed and have a good time.

They all have problems. My ex is lazy and doesn't like to work...he's 29. His younger sister has 3 kids and is trying to make it alone. His younger brother has one child and a girlfriend and has actually been a much harder worker since his daughter was born.

In the end we all grow up, it's just that some take longer than others.

Good luck.

Dez, the ste-child rather than parent

Dez,

Sadly, my first attempt brought up past issues of these girls disrespecting me, my time, and my children's schedules. The SD from out of town and her bf called when an hour away and asked if I could make a special something for dinner and a homemade dessert. DH said that I was laid up w/ an injury to my foot. When I heard him speaking of me, I asked what was up and then said that I'd do it.

After awhile, DH met them at the rental, then returned alone at 6:45. He said that their mother was there and that no one would be coming for dinner. I stared at him then just went upstairs.

After 10pm, I heard a lot of commotion downstairs that awakened my older two sons (5, 7) and it was the SD who has been living w/ us screaming at my 7 y.o. (which she often did and it bugged the he!! out of me!) I hobbled downstairs to see the whole tribe sitting and wanting to eat. I grabbed the boys, said "Hello everyone, I expected you hours ago but your dad said you were eating w/ your mom - feel free to reheat whatever, but I need to get the kids to sleep again and keep my foot up - it's killing me..." Turns out, I guess, that the mom and the kids are way too cheap to spring for a meal for anyone, so they all parted hungry, lol. Anyway, I was really annoyed by their intrusion and loudness and the way the one treats my oldest, who just adores all of his 1/2 siblings.

I admire your ex's mother. I'm afraid I am carrying a lot of baggage from years of slights, outright rudeness, etc. And, yes, I am bothered by my DH's inability to make these kids stand up on their own two feet. I have been taken advantage of by people who cannot afford the lifestyle they think they deserve, so DH's tries to make it happen - AT OUR EXPENSE during a time when we can't afford anything. We are both professionals, appear wealthy from the outside, but had a huge problem w/ our house construction that nearly ruined us financially (a crooked contractor), and a fire at our office, where we lived for 5 years, that cost us all our personal belongings. The ins. co. isn't liable for our personal stuff, but still has yet to fork over a dime for the damages, supplies we lost, and business interruption and it's been over 2 years. We can't make ends meet ourselves right now, but we still pay for his adult kids to drive top notch vehicles. The son hasn't spoken to us in over 2 years - we still pay his cell phone but did recently get 'his' car back, but can't get rid of it in the condition it's in. I also cosigned for his student loans and guess who's stuck w/ the bills ($25K all in all)????

Sorry, but I'm not feeling very gracious right now...

Dana

Graciousness is earned, not given.

There is a difference between helping out someone going through a rough spot and giving them more than you have. My inlaws will say, "you are welcome to stay here, but we will require you to work, and we will expect you to work towards being on your own again" though they wouldn't necessarily put a time limit on their hospitality.

My mom would give me, say, a couple hundred toward rent once in a while if I was short, maybe help me make an insurance payment, etc. I am sometimes able to pay her back, sometimes I can't, but I always try to help and pay her back in other ways at least.

I think the key here is being grateful and humbled by the help given, or taking it for granted. To me, that's the biggest distinction.

For instance, I need a car a few years ago and could not qualify for one as priced. So my grandmother loaned me $4000 for the down and I got a loan on the couple thousand remainder. I paid her back within the year. I was extremely grateful for the help and I can tell you that I did not at all take it for granted.

DH probably won't see it, but to me that's what you're dealing with. And treating their little brother so harshly is wrong no matter what angle you come at it from.

Dez

Dez,

I completely agree w/ you. If anyone, anywhere along the way would have ever given me an instance of validation, a sincere expression of gratitude or even, as you say, help pay back in other ways, I think I wouldn't be walking around w/ this chip on my shoulder!

You know, I moved back home after college and dental school. I could have afforded to have my own place, but my parents and I are, to this day, the best of friends and it was nice coming back, even in my mid-late twenties. However, I also viewed it as a way to help them out. I cleaned the house top to bottom weekly, paid all utilities (they wouldn't accept rent), and took over the care of my dear nephews who were w/ them very often. I actually raised those dear boys (now the oldest is 19!) from the time they were 1, 3, and 5.

Never was there any taking advantage of my parents by me, or them of me. I lived there for a few years, til I married.

I see no problem w/ what you described above - that's what families are for. My g-father (lost him 2 years ago and still haven't had a day when I don't cry my eyes out for him...we were very close) helped me w/ my dental school instruments - lent me the lump sum so I wouldn't have to finance them and get killed on interest. I paid him back every cent and he said, "Dana, I think you're the first one to ever pay me back for anything!" He always helped me out - helped me get my dream house built, but died waiting for it. We put in a special downstairs room and lovely bathroom for him. My SD has it now. Maybe I have issues w/ the "taker" having the room the "giver" was meant to be in...

Anyway, I guess my family and I have the relationship similar to what you described w/ yours. My parents don't have money, but if either my brother or I needed anything, they were the first to offer to help. I try to give back now, or at least before the fire (two weeks after losing my g-father) ruined me financially. I pray the ins. co. will soon help us out as my husband and I are under a lot of stress financially. But, the reason I cosigned for my SS was because I was in his shoes and my g-father cosigned for me. I was able to pay it off, naturally, after graduation, so I really didn't feel as though my SS wouldn't be able to do it. Oh, yeah, he either failed out or dropped out of school. It was shocking and now I'm paying back more student loans for a grown, spoiled brat who won't face any of his responsibilities.

Dana

Dana,

I am sorry to hear what you are going through and I feel for you.

You can't help someone who won't help themselves! Put your foot down and say NO!

Good luck!

Monique