I am a proud aunt of three and mother of one. The reason I am here on this forum is because I am researching step parenting guidelines and experiences of others so I can get a better perspective on what my nieces and nephew are going through and where I should stand. I have had difficult experiences in the past and have learned some but I am no expert.
Anyhow� I'll start with the oldest girl, she is my biological sister. My brother and his ex wife have adopted her, but not legally because my father will not go through with it. There were allegations of molestation made against my father that health and welfare did not prove. My mom who had this child in her forties, suffers from severe depression and decided to let her youngest to be raised by my brother and his ex wife - years ago when they were still married. I have never had my mind at rest about all of this. I didn�t want my mom to give up but it was her choice to make. They started watching my little sister more and more until they had her all the time, I think it was my brother�s ex wife who pushed for this, but I know she had and has good intentions. The truth is, her marriage was as dysfunctional as my mom and dad�s was, in part because she had a more sheltered life and by brother has been exposed to a lot and is very passive aggressive. I was just coming out of high school when this all happened. I wanted to be around my little sister and new niece but wanted to stay away from my brother at the same time. I wasn�t involved but after eighteen years with my family I was in flight mode. I just wanted to get away from it. During their marriage I lost some respect for my ex sister in law because she wanted control over my sister but her marriage was out of control. At a point that my brother threatened her with a gun I was very afraid for her and the kids, for a few more years they tried to work things out. I felt my brother would be better off on his own, if he couldn�t handle it or go through with counseling or just change. I had my own son, and being moms and aunts brought my brother�s ex and I closer. She has been a good friend to me and aunt to my son in spite of everything that has happened in the past. Finally, they divorced- she left him- he told the world he wanted to work it out but his wife had been begging for that very thing for too long. He didn�t want to change, just didn�t want her to leave. I was there for them both and tried to be supportive to them both.
So, what does she do??? She marries his best friend�what the heck�
What does he do??? He marries a tiny, perky and oh so na�ve 19 year old and rubs it in his ex�s face!!!
I saw my brother once, last Christmas he was avoiding child support then so, I wasn�t all smiles- I can�t be fake like that. The girl seemed nice enough but didn�t look like she knew what she was getting into. I have been the younger woman, I have been na�ve, I can relate.
Skip to now�
My nieces and nephew live with their mom and her new husband, their dad- my brother, sees them with the woman child on the weekends. I have been the younger girl, so I say this with empathy for what she is being used for. But my understanding and rationality ends when you dress my little sister up like a nineteen year old at a club. My little sister/niece, now eleven years old comes over to my house, Christmas eve, in a see through peasant top that shows an inch or two of belly and sporting her �apple bottoms� brand coat and good grief�she may be skinny but I wondered how that girl fit into those jeans! This isn�t the beach, this is Idaho in the wintertime folks! The new girl friend picked these clothes out for her� I was upset.
What do the kids think? Well, they like the new step mom a lot. Right now she is trying really hard, too hard, ok, she not my brother, calls their mom to set up times to see the kids, often a day in advance. She makes sure they are spoiled when ever they come over. She has questioned their mom about how she suspects her of spending the child support. The thing is, the kids are not neglected. Everyone including their father knows that.
Both my brother and his ex have gotten into personal conversations, which is not good, but worse the girl friend started calling the ex and getting into it. This girl accepts my brothers word as gospel, as she told the ex everything that happened to her was her fault my brother is never abusive to her etc. I�ve advised the ex to cut the line with the girl friend. Obviously what started with curiosity on both sides had ended up hurting at least the ex very much. I told her to only accept calls and plans from my brother and set guidelines and boundaries with times. On Christmas eve, as if to slap the ex in the face, the girl calls the ex and tells her they will not have the kids back on time because they are with her family and still eating turkey- this after the ex bended her own rules to make plans for the kids to see their dad on only a days notice. The kids arrived for my dinner late and not hungry �their mom, my self and my mom were quite hungry because we waited for them. Then of course there was the clothing situation. I just was sick to my stomach.
I am hurt for my friend- the ex. But I also assume I know where this girl is coming from- she wants to make herself a new family, she wants every thing to go well with the kids� but she is going about things the wrong way. I am trying so hard not to judge. Christmas was a big smirk to her. The mom too, has made some mistakes and any more she is so wrapped up in comparing herself with the new �mommy� that she is really hurting.
Bottom line is, the kids are smart, they see all this but I�m worried they don�t know how to sort through it. Heck, I am twenty five and I don�t know how to sort through it. All I know is I can�t change any of it. Is that how they feel??? I am hurt by much of what I�ve heard my brother�s new wife has said about my mom and I � but that is secondary I try to let it go. I just don�t want to hear about it. The kids come visit me and my stance is not to take sides or talk negatively about either parent in spite of my feelings. I drew the line at the clothing ordeal. I told my little sister it was inappropriate and if that girl wants to pick her clothes she needs to do it better. I explained people looking at her at 11 probably aren�t looking for good reasons. I told her not to grow up too fast. This girl seems to target my little sister to hang out with when the kids are with her. I am worried about her influence on the kids especially the tween. Then there is the other girl getting sidelined and the boy wanting to be like dad. This is hurting me too. This is why I stayed away for so long.
What do I tell them, am I right on where I stand? Should I approach my brother or his new wife about being more professional with the ex and better with the kids? What should I do for the tween that is trying to look like 18? Just take her out and show her a different way to act as a woman?
just needed to get this out. Thamks for any ideas.
