BellaOnline Forums Relationships Relationships I had no idea!!

Awhile ago I posted about how its been hard for me to make new friends since Ive been out of highschool. I just have the hardest time talking to people who I dont really know. Im very shy... VERY shy. I will talk to people if they talk to me. But Im not the kind of person to just strike up a conversation with just anyone. Most of the time I just dont know what to say to people. And if I do have something to say, Im just to damn shy to say it... especially if there are others around. Im more talkative in a one on one situation... not so good in groups unless I know the people very well. Anyways, recently I have made a couple friends at work. We got to talking and I explained to them exactly what I just said above. And to my surprise they both told me (separately) that their initial impression of me was that I was a snobby little bi@#$. They told me that at first they thought that I came off as if I didn't care to talk to anyone and that I seemed very unapproachable - almost as if I wasn't a nice person and was just one of those stuck up Im better than you kind of person... What sucks is, this isnt the first time I've heard this. What what sucks even more is that that's not me at all and I had NO idea I was giving this impression off!!! It hurt sooo much when they told me this. (They weren't telling me in a negative way though... because then they proceeded to tell me that once they got to know me they realized that I was just a shy person and very nice, caring and funny)

It hurt because for the last 4 years Ive been wondering why on earth Im not making friends. Ive wanted nothing more than to be able to talk to people without being so self concious and scared. I hate being shy!! It's something Ive been trying my hardest to work on (my shyness).. it's always made me self concious, but I didn't know that I was coming off so negatively! I always thought that I was just boring to other people and thats why I wasn't making friends. I am the opposite of what I've been putting out there and I had no freaking clue I was doing that!!! This actually wants to make me cry... it has made me really sad.

My sister is very shy and has had the same thing happen to her. People think she is snobby but it is just that she is very shy. We had been at some store and I was talking to the person that was working there and when we left she told me she wished that she were more like me. Maybe you have a friend that you can practice small talk with and then you would have more confidence.

It's strange though, because I can small talk or start a conversation with certain people - but generally I have a hard time getting my words out. And when I do talk to people (other than my family and friends) I feel like Im stumbling over my words and my voice sounds shakey and I get all embarrassed and it just really sucks. Or I'll go red lol... actually I find that I am more shy when I am around very outgoing and loud people. Those people I just can't strike up a conversation with or around. But I can talk to people who are more like more.. more laid back, reserved, quiet... and then once a friendship is formed then I can be the more loud me.

Have you tried talking in front of a mirror?
It works.

That's a good idea...

I experienced the same thing as you did, lala21. I was very shy when I was younger (and so afraid of strangers, too). I never knew that other people thought of me as a snob until one time when in a class activity, we were asked to describe each other. Their comments weren't made in a derogatory way either. But it was an eye-opener to me, too.

What did I do to get the shyness out of my system? Aside from practicing in front of the mirror (yes, it helps), I practiced my conversational skills with my closest friends. Plus I joined school organizations which allowed me to meet other people. Don't be afraid to commit conversational boo-boos -- you get to learn from them. And always remember that even the noisiest person is as self-conscious as you are in front of other people. So smile!

The main problem is fear. what if/
decide that heavens will not fall and begin talking.

lala, im so sorry your having so much trouble making friends you are a good person,changing a personality takes a long time. but certain changes may be accomplished faster than others.social isolation can respond to behavior modification therapy (talk therapy)aimed at helping the person understand the causes of her or his anxiety.and recognize her or his maladaptive behavior, remains the cornerstone of most treatment.think of getting yourself some help, and good luck

Lala, I would never have guessed you were shy! You are so open and friendly here on the forums! I know, it's totally different in person.

But, if you want friends, then try to focus on that instead of your shyness. Just act like you are not shy. It sounds silly, but it also works--just pretend you are not a shy person, but a warm and friendly person who wants to interact with others.

I have never been accused of being shy, even though I have felt nervous about meeting and talking to new people and I, too, was told that they often thought I was a snob (or a b**ch). So, now I make sure to smile and nod or say hello to everyone, shake hands when introduced, and well, I could talk to anyone now, and even do public speaking.

Just take your mental focus away from you and try to make other people feel that you are interested in them. That's really the secret to making friends anyway. It's also the secret to building any kind of relationship.

You really do have the personality for it--that is evidenced by your interaction here! If you will smile, say hello and listen to people, you'll be amazed at how little you will actually have to talk!

Good Luck--I know you're on the edge of conquering this and will do so soon.

Lala

I am glad you posted this because I thought I was the only one. I don't really consider myself shy, but I don't regularly start conversations with people. If I meet someone, say through a friend then ok, I talk to them. It was actually my husband who pointed out to me that some people think I am snobby. I was shocked! I am 42 and have in the past avoided conversations because I get nervous talking to people - maybe I would say the wrong thing. Also, I would think if someone didn't talk to me, that they did not like me. Now, I make a concious effort to smile and say hello to people that I don't really know because what is the worst that could happen? They don't like the way I smile? Sounds silly, right? Well If I don't smile or say hello, they think I am a snob, and I don't want that. I hope it helps to know that this has happened to other people. You seem very sweet. Just smile and see what happens.