BellaOnline Forums Family Child Abuse The story of my abusive mother. How to deal with?

To Blacknwhite,

Quite a life.Writing our sufferings is the first step to rid of them.You seem to have a lot of pent-up hate within your mind,your emotions, which is normal.As for your sister,she never
asked to be born that way.She is not liable ,for the hurting for the sufferings inflicted to you.She might not even know you existed one day in her life.She lives in a different realm or world if you wish.

As for your mother,I am not defending her at all for the sufferings she caused you.

Now what will you do with your life,since the cat is out of the bag.Have you started looking to put love in your existence.
I do not meen a man,I meen taking care of yourself.Have you seeked professionnal help,have you started reading books on love
for oneself,because if you do not change that poison in you ,for love,pardon,and rebuilding your self esteem.the hate will definitly destroy the remainder of your life.

I am not an expert,except that ,I had avery bad life too,survived
rid myself of hate,filled my heart with Compassion and loving
kindness first,then for others.Today I live a blissful life,a
life filled of compassion for humanity ,specially for the "bad" ones.

As an Atheist,maybe try changing that for agnostism,that will also cleanse your inside,your heart your memories.

As of now, start a new life,it will not be easy,but easier than what you went through.

Wishing you a renewed life,one day at the time,too long,one moment at a time

Best of luck,

loongdragon

Hello, blacknwhite. I read your story several times, mulling it over in my mind. I feel the fury, indignation, desolation, pain and confusion. You are correct in saying that the tumor, autoimmune disorder, and panic attacks are the result of having to bury and hide your outrage all these years and that "she" is still doing damage to you.

To heal, you need to cleanse yourself from all this dark, damaging energy that you carry. It might sound counter-intuitive but you have to start by trying to understand her, seeing things from her perspective, even if only briefly. I will help you, but you must hear me out. I'm not making excuses for her behavior at all, but trying to offer you some understanding so you can let go of the anger towards her.

It seems that you hope beyond hope that she will admit her mistakes. But the truth is that, from her viewpoint, she did not make any. She felt she had good reason to discipline you, that she was doing what a good mother was supposed to do with an unruly daughter. She was trying to mold you into the daughter she thought you were supposed to be. NOT true but this is her view.

You have a strong, smart and independent spirit. In some cultures, that is not a good thing for a daughter to have. She felt she had to beat you to keep you in your place. On top of that, your mother bore a mentally disabled child and had much guilt about it. The anguish, guilt and stress were taken out on you, the healthy child.

Suffering from chronic beatings leaves deep psychological scars in a human psyche, and it is a testament to your inner strength that you emerged as healthy-minded as you have. Most sociopaths experienced child abuse. Of course, you still must deal with the memories, panic attacks and even physical manifestations of all that (autoimmune disorder, tumor). But you are smart enough to have gotten yourself out of the country and away from your family. You earned a college degree and have been able to take care of yourself. Good for you!

Keep going. The way to save your life is to keep growing forward, create new memories, new experiences, new joys. Looking into your past will not change the past. Your mother will not change now. You don't need your mother to admit anything in order for you to heal and move forward.

She wasn't the mother you wanted or needed back then. The good news is that you don't need a mother now. Revel in your freedom as an educated, liberated adult woman. Explore your power and your world. Don't look back until you are strong enough to do so without weakness or pain. Learn to forgive your mother because she was trapped by the worst of antiquated cultural practices, superstition, and ignorance. She is so unaware. Forgiveness is hard, to be sure. A mother is expected to give love and nurturing, and she gave you pain and cruelty. Can you come to the point of feeling at least pity towards her? She may have been raised with constant beatings herself. By forgiving her, you take away her power over you.

Because of your culture, I can understand the filial duty thing so send an upbeat letter with a little money now and then. Don't give them a return address until you are ready for interaction. You'll know you're ready when you no longer feel so angry or vulnerable to manipulation.

Hi Lori-Dreams, thank you for your long reply, it looks like you are really trying to help me. But it's so easy to say "forgive and forget" while none of them is possible. I challenge the very notion of "forgiveness": for every action there is a motive and a consequence. Some negative consequences can be alleviated, some incentives can be justified. Theft can be undone by returning the stolen goods and therefore "forgiven", murder can not be undone because you can't bring anybody back to life, and an innocent prisoner's years cannot be returned either. Since a long time I try to understand my mother and all I see is an egoistic, dominating person who sees her children as products doomed to glorify their manufacturer. It was not about what I become, but about what SHE as a mother makes me. She was master and commander: "first god and then me". She had different standards for herself and the others: her lies were "white", I had to be truthful (but only as long as I didn't contradict her); no sex before marriage for the others, but she got pregnant two months before her own marriage! As bringing this up upsets her, I suspect she feels her firstborn's illness is the wrath of god for her sin and that's one reason she is so stupidly religious. Yet she should wake up and be realistic! She was not beaten by her parents, but she was the youngest child and I suspect that she was bullied by the oldest brother, but not that much, as shown by her crying and week playing behaviour to avoid conflict when she is powerless. And because she herself was the youngest child that one is always right and has to be protected (my brother), therefore the older one (me) has to be beaten. So, is this understanding a reason for forgiveness? I understand she craved for acknowledgement, but does that justify beating her 8-year old daughter because at a school essay "who do I admire" I didn't write about her? I don't think that she was restricting me because she thought it was right, it was because I shouldn't have it better than her in a time and place where women's rights were rapidly improving. I read in a book that the biggest hurdle to young women trying to gain more rights in islamic countries are not men but older women. This looks like mere jealousy to me. I cannot believe for example that circumsized women in Africa send their daughters off to suffer the torture and maim of clitoridectomy because they think it right or due to cultural pressure. In my opinion, they just find it fair that others suffer too as they did and don't want anybody to break the circle. I already wrote enough and would rather refrain from rewriting the story of my life. I feel contempt and disgust for my mother. The best I could give her is a bit of pity, sometimes even sympathy seiing her victim side, but no forgiveness. No revenge is possible either, I cannot destroy her youth. I want my peace, this means no contacts with her, especially if she admits nothing and tries to brainwash me about what a good and loving mother she was. The big question is, how to shut her out and keep communicating with my brother, while they live in the same house? She sneaks in when I talk with him. She keeps bugging me trying to make me replace in communications her sister who died 2 years ago, so that she has someone to tell about the churches she went to and what the neighbours did. For many years I was adhering to some formalities and I was often letting her blabber on the phone while I was doing other things. The last day in Greece in June I mentioned to someone that I had invited the night before the family out for dinner as a "family tradition". She asked why do I play this theater. Now this is the big question: why the f..k do I and why should I play this theater? By the way, she would be too proud to ever accept any money from me.

Ok. I want you to understand that the forgiveness is a way for you to release her. Anger ties you to her, even in memory. When people divorce, they are still tied to the other person when they hold onto bitter or hateful memories. Every bad memory causes them to think about the other person.

When they can let go without any emotion, then they truly are free. Then, they no longer think about the other person at all.

Yes, without a doubt, it *is* easier in theory and principle than in real life application. There has been a LOT of rage inside you for a very long time, and you haven't had the opportunity to release it. In this way, you still are suffering, suffering, suffering.

Perhaps I put the proverbial cart before the horse.

If you care to explore a bit more, PM me with your date, time and place of birth. Your birth name, if you feel comfortable sharing that. Also, those same statistics for your mother. I do not know what your beliefs are, but if you can be open-minded, I will inquire to see why this happened, to what purpose and how you can heal and grow from this.

Oh, and by the way, "undoing" the wrongdoing is not necessary for someone to forgive. And forgiveness does not require you to be a part of her life again. But enough of that. It is clear that there are other steps to take first. This is not for your mother's sake but for your own.

My heart--and my respect--goes out to you. My heart because your suffering has been so great; my respect because few souls agree to walk such a difficult path like yours.