BellaOnline Forums Relationships Married No Kids 8 things no one tells you about being a Mom

haven't read this yet, but it looks interesting...

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I saw that and thought....DUH!!!! I don't even have kids and I could have made that list.

Why don't they list the real things no one tells you.

Ack! Ack! Ack! And I would *want* to go through all of this?

Here are some WTFs I found:

Silver lining: "Once you realize you have no control, you're in total control," Saber says. "Then you can say, 'OK, I'll just go with the flow.'"

Silver lining: Because it's your child, you'll be amazed at how you can come up with a solution -- or find a friend who's gone through something similar.

Silver lining: Your kids can learn patience, self-sufficiency, and the meaning of privacy -- if you set boundaries.

Silver lining: Repeated verbal stabs make you more immune to them. Unless it's clearly intentional antisocial rudeness (rare before the school years), blame child development and don't take anything personally.

Silver lining: That's the marvelous mystery of parenting. So much time, money, hope, and love poured into one tiny creature -- but I can't think of a better use for those resources.

Once again... WTF?

I just skimmed through it, and it reminded of a question that occurred to me last night. We hear so much about how hard it is to be a mom, and from TMC everyone's confessing about screaming at their kids all day, and barely being able cope, and so on. This article makes it sound really daunting as well, with the neverrending learning curve, and the beyond-multitasking, etc.

But is there really such an enormous difference between being a mother and the job of babysitting or working in a daycare? I've done a lot of babysitting, and worked in a daycare for a summer, and neither job was really THAT challenging. Boring, yes. Annoying, yes. But mostly I feel that way because there are so many other things I'd rather do, and entertaining kids is just not that exciting to me. So, when I'm in charge of kids, I'm always feeling this dissatisfaction because I'd rather be doing something else. If I'm getting paid, fine, I can tolerate it.

But even working in a daycare and being in charge of 6-8 kids wasn't that huge of a deal. I wasn't like overwhelmed with challenges, and could pretty easily keep up with their needs. Sure, maybe they didn't get enough attention from me, but they seemed fine with mostly playing with toys or each other, and needed my input at various times. If they need constant input that almost seems like you're creating a nightmare by perpetuating it.

When I've babysat kids of all ages including babies, it wasn't like this enormous workload of changing one diaper after another, and contantly tending to other tasks at the same time.

I just wanted to say this because sometimes it seems like this SAHM job gets overblown into this horrendous workload, when in reality, I don't believe it really has to be that difficult. Maybe if you have 10 kids, or if you're trying to have an outside job that would hard, but if it's all you have to do, what's the big deal?

Kids might push your buttons, but the idea that every mom is barely able to keep up and screaming in fury at her kids all the time makes me think she's overdoing it, or just not cut out for the job, because in all my time babysitting I never had to scream at kids. My mom very rarely yelled at us either.

I realize it's different if you have problem-kids, or autistic, ADHD kids would be a different story altogether, but this idea that raising normal kids is so beyond challenging seems like a myth to me. Even in this article she talks about finally accomplishing changing a toddler's diaper. Sorry, but I've watched countless people changing their kids' diapers, and done some of it myself, and it's really not that big of a deal. I agree it must be tiresome to do it 5 times a day for 3 years, and it's gross, but is the learning curve really that steep?

I don't think it's that bad if you aren't working outside of the home. Some of it is probably preference, too. I know I wouldn't be happy wiping someone's nose and keeping someone's fingers away from a socket all day long. I think it is annoying and trying, like you said, though.

They talk about how you learn to let the hurtful comments roll off. And I've talked to my therapist about this, and she said that parents just see it as "part of the growing process." I would have a hard time seeing it that way. It would really bother me to go through the teenage years, with all that it entails.

This comment at the end of the article made me shudder:
"Every decision you make -- from discipline to extracurricular activities -- has repercussions.

I don't want to be "on" for the rest of my life, and worrying about how I handle every single problem that arises. Parenting is all about correcting people over and over and over again. I don't want to do that, first of all, and, if you don't do it the "right" way, you could be creating a monster. There aren't any hard and fast rules. And my Mom has often said to me "I didn't get to take psychology classes before I raised you kids" when I have complained about the way she sees things. Well, maybe parents should get psych classes. And maybe they should think about how well equipped they are to show someone else the way of the world. I'm watching my parents parent the second time around, and I cringe at some of the effed up things they say to my nephew. And in some ways it's like watching my childhood all over again. Not pretty.

For example, one day my nephew was acting up, and my Dad was getting really amped about it. And my Mom told my nephew to calm down. And, she said, "how would you feel if you gave your grandfather a heart attack?" Needless to say, I freaked out when she said that. My Dad has been overweight for 30 years, and no hyperactivity on my nephew's part will give him a heartattack. He would be responsible for that himself. Sorry for the rant, I feel better now...

"That's the marvelous mystery of parenting. So much time, money, hope, and love poured into one tiny creature -- but I can't think of a better use for those resources."

Actually....I can think of many!

On the subject of No Privacy that this article mentions, I was thinking about how we only have cats, and how we don't care if they wander in the bathroom with us while we're using the toilet or showering, and how we welcome them to drink from the dripping faucet, b/c they're cats and not other humans! I don't care if the other human is my own offspring, not having privacy while in the bathroom is just not appealing to me.

As a whole, I scanned this article over, and thought, "No thanks!"

MSN also had an article yesterday about the things your doctor doesn't tell you about pregnancy (none of it really sounded appealing), and once again, I thought "No thanks!"

Yes, as I read more, think about it more, etc., I'm becoming ever closer to being 100% CF!

Wow Happy, that is awful that she said that. Truly warped. Sounds like while she might be clueless about pyschology, she's an expert at laying guilt trips.

Regarding that quote Feebee, I agree. Maybe they should add a word there:

"So much time, money, hope, love, and NATURAL RESOURCES, poured into one tiny creature."

Yeah, guilt trips are *huge* in the Catholic Church. My Mom's a big fan, and a martyr, too. The irony is, everyone thinks my Mom is a freaking saint for taking care of my nephew, but... they don't know my Mom like I do. Yeah, she will feed him and make sure he gets to school on time, but the emotional support, she just can't do it. And the manipulative comments and martyrdom aren't lost on the kid. No one knows what goes on behind closed doors I guess. I bet there are lots of dysfunctional people raising kids today, judging by what I see around me. It isn't very inspiring!

I think you bring up a very interesting point. As a career nanny, I agree that while caregiving can be boring and annoying at times, it is certainly very doable! However, if some SAHM's truly feel they are barely able to cope, here is my one hypothesis--for them, caregiving is permanent for 20 odd years whereas for nannies, day care works, babysitters, and the like we CHOOSE this type of work and get paid for it. Mentally there is something very different about a mom and a nanny doing the same work because at the end of the day, the nanny has the freedom to quit, change the family she works for, or change careers entirely. The mom, even if she has hired help, will always be held responsible for that child and tied to him or her forever. This permanence is probably the main reason I am childfree. I enjoy caring for kids but I maintain my sense of calm and well being with the knowledge that it is for a prescribed number of hours a week and that, ultimately, I could leave if I was unhappy.