BellaOnline Forums Family Siblings I just don't get - adult sister problem

My younger by two years sister and I have always had a pretty close relationship, I thought. She lived 1000 miles from me for the past ten years and we spoke often. After she went through a divorce, we got closer, speaking weekly about our lives, relationships, family, kids, jobs, spiritual matters, everything.

This year my new husband and I decided to move to her town for climate and business reasons. She said we could stay with her to get settled. It is just her and her teen daughter. She wanted us to come, she was very excited about it. I was going to help her with her business idea, help her find a mate (DH is good at screening losers)

We did our best to be good guests. We took care of the kid and pets while she was away, cleaned, cooked, did home repairs, contributed toward utilities, etc. My DH and I are an unusual couple. We work together and are best friends as well as in love. Since we are self-employed, we spent most of the time making contacts, etc. (i.e. didn't run out and get a job-job)

Cracks started to show after a couple of weeks. She would get anally obsessive about cleaning. She was snappy and sometimes rude--almost condescending. It was tough because we weren't ready to move yet and we felt very vulnerable. We ended up staying in our tiny room most of the time she was home. We even bought our own TV.

So after five weeks, about 8 weeks ago, we found a house and moved. She has not been over to see us yet claims she "loves" us. She has continued to act snappy at unexpected times and is quite rude. We've seen her a few times but it is always at her house. She acts friendly but I feel uneasy now, like I'm walking on eggshells.

I confronted her once after we had gone by to get our mail, called to tell her we were there (she was on her way home) and she said "I don't want you there" -- after she told us to come by anytime to pat the dog and get our mail. But she denied it all and tried to justify the situation by saying I was blowing it out of proportion.

So, long story short, instead of a friend to do stuff with and talk business with and have fun with, I have another cranky strange person in my life.
Any thoughts what's going on with her?
Thanks...

Hi Writer:

When two families live in the same house it can sometimes cause animosity. A person's space and privacy has been infringed upon. Not your fault, it just happens. But it can cause bitterness, and resentment. Sounds like your sister felt these things and hasn't turned loose of them.
I'd envite her out for a cup of coffee, or tea and talk. Just become friends again. Then I would tell her exactly what you have told us here. Do it with love and kindness. Tell her you love her and you miss the relationship you had with her.
Explain that you know taking you guys in was a hard thing to do. Then, the important part. Ask her to tell you her resentments. Let her voice her anger without judgment and with understanding. Don't make excuses for things, or deny her feelings. Apologize and tell her again how much you love her.

The problem with resentment is that no one will bring it up and it lies and festers. Someone has to bring it up in a loving way, air it out and get past it. She may need your help to do that.

I agree completely with Bylen, with one small addition. When you have had enough time to become settled and are ready to talk to her, you should be very careful when telling her about the experience of living in her house.

Be careful to make "I" and "we" statements like "We felt our presence may have been causing some stress. If we caused you any stress, we are very sorry." Taking the weight of the situation on yourselves, even though she was being rude, will help to put her at ease and give her a chance to open up about what may have been bothering her.

Avoiding statements like "You made us feel uncomfortable" will not be accusing her of anything or put her on the defensive and may help to save your relationship.

In my experience, it is better do have this kind of meeting as soon as possible, even if it makes you uncomfortable to think about doing it. Bylen was right on in her advice.

My husband & I moved back to his home town several years & had to stay with my mother-in-law for 5 months while our house was being built. Although we all worked at getting along, I understand the kind of stress you experienced. It took a while after we moved out before I was really comfortable going over to her house.

Keeping your relationship with your sister healthy is very important. Family is the most important of human relationships. Working at keeping your family strong is a small price to pay for the long-term benefits to all of you.

Good luck with your situation.

Hi
Thanks for your input--I think you are right there is animosity but I wonder if it goes deeper than us staying there. Shouldn't that have died down after we left? If she values the relationship with me? Usually when people go through a stressful time together, it's like, glad that's over, now back to normal. Have you seen a lot of people ruin relationships over having to stay together temporarily?!?!

We didn't do anything but be helpful. It's not like we trashed her house or something. My DH did $500 worth of work on her house gratis. Have you ever had a guest do that? We bent over backwards to be good guests--gladly I might add because that is the way we are.

That is why it was such a shocker to be treated the way we were. I felt humiliated by her attitude, like I was "one down." I have had my share of abusers in my life and it seems an all too familiar pattern--the Jeckyl and Hyde thing. Sometimes normal, then wham, better duck.

With all due respect, I really see no point in inviting her to take pot shots at us. Yeah, us being there caused her stress. It's over now. And we weren't under stress? We moved 1000 miles from everything we know and had to start over with little or no help. She did not help us move in one iota. So different from how it would have been if she moved near us.

My problem is that she continues to be degrading. Case in point, she called a week ago last minute with tickets to a local play. I was exhausted so said, "Thanks for the invite but I'm pooped." Her reply, "Why are YOU pooped." Yeah, like being on the road doing interviews for an article isn't work.

I agree that family relationships are important. But I have also learned the hard way that it is a two way street and the price is too high when one person is allowed to manipulate, control or abuse the other.

So, one final question to Paula, why should the hypothetical discussion not include me saying how I felt? That seems rather one sided. She is not responsible for her own words, attitudes and actions and the hurt they continue to cause us? I am not going to apologize when we were invited to stay. I'm sorry it caused her stress--but that it is not my responsibility.

Thanks again for caring enough to reply! Appreciate it.

I agree with almost everthing said. I just want to add that we al make choices..what we can live with and what we cann't. It is not easy to have someone living with you in your home. Years ago we went on vacation with my sister and her family. All that I can say...is we never did it again. lol
Sundancer
www.msgembroidery.com
www.mikessportinggoodsonline.com

I think your sister had good intentions but didn�t execute them very well. Some people find it difficult to function when they feel others are in their space. I don�t think it�s anything you did or could have done better � you were just there! Every moment you were there she couldn�t feel normal. It sounds like she thought you were unemployed people, lounging around in her space not allowing her to feel normal and that upset her. Now that you�re upset you have to make a decision: have it out with her or let it go. Just don�t let it be a terrible underlying issue forever in your relationship with your sister.

If your sister is making rude remarks to you, she probably wants to talk about it too. While it�s good to get it all out in the open, the problem is certain things can never be unsaid. So hopefully you can have a good talk or fight (not physical of course) then make up and find some common ground where you both still respect each other. If feelings are too raw now let some time pass before you broach the subject � like I said, certain things said in anger can never be unsaid. You certainly don't want to lose your sister over this. I'm sure it will work out. I have high hopes for you!

Thanks, Nina and sundancer. Appreciate the support. Nina, as editor of that section, how about more on adult sibling rivalry? My DH went through something similar with one of his sisters. Strangely, she is also single, long divorced, and recently had empty nest with her two sons. My DH (before he was) stayed with her briefly while looking for work and going through his divorce. Then he met me--we got married--and she got angry. Again, we were nothing but helpful to her, took care of her home and cat while she was away, etc. We didn't live with her. She really didn't like us writing together (she was the one with the English degree but she rarely uses it and certainly isn't a creative writer, more work reports)
Note about the "unemployed" point--ha! Working for myself I work about 16 hours a day, every day, and dream about it all night. It may look easy but it ain't!
Thanks.

I will certainly note your interest in reading more on adult siblings relationships, writergirl, but the guidelines for the section I write for are to give it a parental touch. So most articles will be geared towards parents of siblings. I have been able to interview adult siblings in order to get a viewpoint from another side and I will try to do a little more in the future. However, the discussion in the sibling's forum can be about any sibling angle! I may start blogging on my own website if I get enough interest.

A note on the "unemployment" for clarification - I think your sister may not believe what you do is "real work" especially if she leaves the house everyday. She may not respect the work of a writer but believe me, I sure do!