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SPAGHETTI ETI-QUETTE: Miss Manners says to use a fork and spoon to eat spaghetti. Are you for or aghetti?

GRENADA: What do I know about Grenada? Gee, nada.

FORMATTING

After 50 posts can now format

So the new posts won't look flat as a doormat.


SILLILOQUY

“Out damn spot

My guilt causes me to suffer a lot

Proving I’m a ruthless yet anguished snot-

as to whether I’m Macbeth or Hamlet

I remembereth not.”


MAGGOTS

Nothing else can vie

so the only thing worse than a fly is its larvae.



RUE-D

I rued the day my wife planted the herb rue

for as it grew it was a real stinkaroo.

So that rue I slewed.

Now with my wife I’m in a real stew.

How rude!



FISSION CHIPS ANYONE?

Cooking with liquid nitrogen

Is like a culinary horse de Trojan

Because taking an old fashioned classic like British Fish and Chips

and scientifically turning it into brittle Fission Chips

Just gives me the yips.



LIMBURGER CHEESE

A smelly smelly cheese that’s bound to make you wheeze,

the chances are slim to none that my life would be so grim

that I’d risk life and limb to even try a stinking gram of Limburger Cheese.

Whatever Happened To Plain Old Red?

Chartreuse I am cluless

Puce must be a ruse

Damask I need to ask

Mauve oh gawd!

Cattleya I have no ideya

Jasper I must asper

Bisque what isque it?

Verdigris I couldn’t even venture a gris

Vermilion I thought was a fancy dance

thus, for all of the above frou-frou colors

I carnelian begin to imagine what hue they might be



FELAFEL

After you eat felafel, do you feel good or do you felafel?



HAIKU HAIKU HAIKU

Haiku Haiku Haiku

Over the lake the molting goose flew

Hachoo Hachoo Hachoo


CURRANTS

Rant Rant Rant Rant…

if I didn’t eat my bowl of currants

Were how my parants were raisin’ me

but since I no longer live at home

That isn’t my currant problem.


EMPANADAS

Nada nada nada

I reply when asked if I want an empanada

Because savory or sweet

Sometimes the filling is so unreplete

That it really is an empty nada

CUMIN

Cumin is the kind of spice

if using a little it’s flavor is quite nice

but if too much you put in the rice

it’s not fit for any human.


THE CORN

A corn can be succulent and sweet

but not when it's on your feet.



HIGH TECH WRITING

In composing a poem

I like to think I can write from the archaic to the modern

About anything ranging from psychology to the growings on in a garden

but if it doesn’t blink in a wink I’m lost and verseless without a modem.



TWO PATHS TO BE AVOIDED

You need not be paranoid

To believe that on life’s journey there are two paths that would be best to avoid,

the psycho and socio.



THE LOBSTER'S ALTERNATIVE

If you asked a lobster who was caught in a trap what he thought of platters of Steamed Lobster

To be served at a grand buffet spread,

He’d probably suggest “why not try some crab instead?”


SCALLIONS PLEASE!

If prone to cryin’ on and on…

Peelin’ an onion is no funion.

SPILT MILK

I’m of the ilk to not cry over spilt milk

so I just sulk.




WORMLY ADVICE

A word of advice to those fortunate survivors that have been early arisen,

the early bird won’t catch the worm that sleeps in.



GIZZARDS

A muscular ventriculus that is gustatorily ridiculous

That many birds for food use to grind,

The mere thought of them makes my mind go dizzard,

So not even a wizard could get me to eat a gizzard.




ICEBERG LETTUCE

Let us be perfectly clear

Not very nutritious or fibrous

Nor at all delicious or culinary adventurous

Iceberg lettuce not worth a fuss

Is pretty much only good to water us



MUSTARD JARRED

To no avail I did fail

As I tried and tried to open an encrustard jar of mustard

So in a real condiment predicament

I ended up flustard

with the blastard jar bustard

Hi there xmeecosmic,

Reading your Mustard Jarred and ending up 'flustard with the blastard jar bustard' reminded me of that very funny Flanders and Swann song I lost my Horn.

The lyrics follow, and if you can you need to sing them to Mozart's horn concerto ... I love the lines 'I've lost that Horn, lost that Horn, found that Horn ... gorn.'

Hope this makes you smile anyway.

.................................................................

I once had a whim and I had to obey it
To buy a French Horn in a second-hand shop
I polished it up and I started to play it
In spite of the neighbours who begged me to stop

To sound my Horn, I had to develop my embouchure
I found my Horn was a bit of a devil to play
So artfully wound
To give you a sound
A beautiful sound so rich and round

Oh, the hours I had to spend before I mastered it in the end
But that was yesterday and just today I looked in the usual place
There was the case but the Horn itself was missing

Oh, where can it have gone?
Haven't you, hasn't anyone seen my Horn?
Oh, where can it have gone?
What a blow! Now I know
I'm unable to play my Allegro

Who swiped that Horn?
I'll bet you a quid
Somebody did
Knowing I'd found a concerto and wanted to play it
Afraid of my talent at playing the Horn
For early today to my utter dismay
it had vanished away like the dew in the morn

Took it!

I've lost that Horn, I know I was using it yesterday
I've lost that Horn, lost that Horn, found that Horn... gorn
There's not much hope of getting it back though I'd willingly pay a reward

I know some Hearty Folk whose party joke's
Pretending to hunt with the Quorn
Gone away! Gone away! Was it one of them took it away?
Will you kindly return that Horn? Where is the devil who pinched my Horn?
I shall tell the Police I want that French Horn baaaaaaaack

I miss its music more and more and more
Without that Horn I'm feeling sad and so forlorn
Oh oh oh oh ho...

I found a concerto, I wanted to play it
Displaying my talent at playing the Horn
But early today to my utter dismay it had totally vanished away
I practised the Horn, and I wanted to play it but somebody took it away
I practised the Horn and was longing to play it but somebody took it away

My neighbour's asleep in his bed
I'll soon make him wish he were dead
I'll take up the Tuba instead!

.................................................................

Cheers now

ABOUT MY POETRY BACKGROUND

People say I’ve never read even one great poet

but my knowledge of them I shall show it:

Tennyson oded and quoted about venison,

Shelley conversed about his favorite deli,

Keats waxed on and on about his athletic feats,

Jeffers raged about uncared for heifers,

Frost pondered about how much things cost,

Poe ruminated about snow,

Shakespeare sonneted about his apes fear,

Anjelou metaphored about pear jello,

Cullen hyperbolized about why he was so sullen

and Nash balderdashed about his rash.

So to all of you who think my poetry knowledge is zilch

its from these poets that I do filch.


CONFUCIUS

His aphorisms of moral guidance were his modus

Societal and familial obligations a focus

For centuries the world has known the sage words of Confucius

a philosopher whose non-Greek missives were never meant to confuse us.


EATING LIKE A HORSE

How dare you say I eat like a horse!

A horse will as a matter of course roughagely eat primarily hay, grasses maybe even gorse.

I with other recourse will eat huge amounts of pretty much anything and everything else.

So unless you want me to whinny at you about this until I’m hoarse

Check your source and you’ll see I don’t eat like a horse.


CHERVIL

A person diagnosable with Chervil phobia

Obsesses that the herb is the root of all ervil.



RUN THAT RUTABAGA OVER WITH A STUDEBAKER

Accursed as a cross between a cabbage and a turnip

Not to be rude but steamed or stewed

I don’t know anybody who goes gaga for a rutabaga

but many when eating do gaga.

THE COYOTE

Here in Mexico the coyote is always in danger of being shot

So why can’t they be taught not to eat cow but to chow on chayote.


WRITING STYLE AGAIN AGAIN AGAIN...!!!

Oftentimes my verse is not accurate historically

as I’d rate them rather hysterically silly

Thus I can justifiably be taken to task

but I do ask to be given not the stick but rather the carrot

Unless of course you really believe I deserve the garrote.


BEAN SPROUTS

Bean sprouts fresh, white and crisp add zip to many a Chinese dish

From Fried Rice to Egg Foo Yung to Whole Steamed Fish.

Yet those mung sprouts when turned brown, limp, and slimyish

All you can do is throw them outs.

THE POLAR BEAR

Although they have their mood swings that can really scare

Polar bears are not bipolar because it’s only at the North Pole where they appear.

JELLY ROLLS

The more jelly rolls one eats,

The more belly folds one gets.

THERE THEIR THEY'RE

Out of despair

Many a teacher wants to pull out (there) their hair

For no matter how many lessons on the subject (their) there are

(There) They’re besides themselves that there their little dears

Always confuse there, their, and they’re-

so to those teachers all I can say with compassion is “there, their, they’re.”


CHINOOKED

Only a schnook of a Chinook would purposely grapple with a hook.