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Day 17b - Forgiveness and Others - Friends

It's still so strange to me that this "others" category was so massive . Did her publishers tell her all she had was 21 days and she had to fit everyone in? .

I'm sure some categories I think are "easy" others find "hard" and vice-versa. To me, friends is quite easy. I have been blessed with incredible friends who I treasure. When I ponder about forgiving friends, I have to go way back, to first grade, to find something. I skipped kindergarten so was a "young kid" in first grade when age issues seem to matter. My two friends used to chase me around at recess calling me "baby Waller" until I cried. Back then teachers thought it was best to let kids work these things out on their own.

This is intriguing to me on various levels. First, I see the events from third person. I don't remember the in first person. I don't know that I remember them as much as I remember the memory of them. Next, how does the mind latch onto something that happened so young and consider it important? Surely millions of other things happened to me in those early years that were far more important, that I don't remember at all. Why do I allow this to linger and impact my adult state? Heck, the girls were just first graders with unformed brains. They're probably amazing people now. To "blame" them over whatever insecurities they had when they were 6 (or whatever) seems silly.

So, all that aside, my friends over the years have been amazing. Supportive, kind, helpful, and there when I needed them. If anything, I am struck by how a number of them currently are dealing with enormously challenging issues and holding their heads up through them. They are awesomely inspiring. It reminds me every day that, no matter what I'm facing, there are those out there who have far harder things to deal with. The more we all help each other out, the more we all rise and thrive and find joy in these preciously few days we have on Earth. It's stunningly true that we simply don't know how long we have. Each day is a gift.

Day 18 - Forgiveness and The World
Another case where this book becomes wildly vague and expansive in its categories. "The World"? The examples given are politicians and religious groups. The aim is to ponder how we sometimes malign entire groups of people, and why.

I try not to do this. I realize in every group that can traditionally be maligned - politicians, lawyers, used car dealers - that there are people who are honest and good. It's unfair to harm them, even just through constant teasing, about something they care about. I wouldn't want someone continually teasing me about being a writer.

I feel a twinge of sadness when I see generally disparaging posts about "all religious people are XXXX" or so on. People have different opinions and that's OK. If a group acts in a way which infringes on another group's rights, then legal action can be taken to create the proper boundaries. But being nasty about them personally doesn't seem to be constructive. They might feel the way they do because they were brainwashed for their entire life by their family and community. That's hard to undo.

If anything I would feel sympathy that they live in a state of unhappiness and hate. I'd hope that they can find their way out of it. Spending so much energy on fostering hate would, I would think, also fill one's own body with stress hormones. So it's not good for others and it's not good for the source person either.

My aim in these cases would be to look at the person / group's actions and be able to first say "I disagree with the action". Then it's a question of whether I feel their action is harming others or not. If it isn't, I need to let them hold their own opinion and be at peace with that . If I do feel their action is harming others - for example if I feel they're infringing on others' rights - then I should take some action. I would feel, if I just ranted about it and spread stress around, that I'd damage my own health, I'd damage others' health, and I wouldn't be doing much good about the issue I cared about.

So those were my ponderings on "The World" .

Lisa, I hope you don't mind if I save these in my file... I call it "Keeperz for Pondering and Perusing"... these are too good to just read one time.

Finally tackled Day 19 of the forgiveness book I'm reviewing. It was to write a letter to yourself forgiving yourself. I kept putting it off as it seemed challenging. So finally I put fresh, clean sheets on the bed, fresh batteries into my LED candles, poured a large glass of water, and snuggled in with my laptop. And just wrote.

It was a good process. I think the work the previous 18 days on forgiveness did help. I'd thought about a lot of issues and was able to be more gentle with myself than before. I have made mistakes. I learned from them. I can't change the past. I can only do the best I can with each future day - each fresh opportunity.

If I "waste" energy on feeling upset about things I can't change, that is energy I can't apply to making this current day as productive as it could be. I have SO many projects that need to be done. People rely on me. I owe it to them to be fully present in now and fully dedicated to making this current day work well. Yes I want to learn from the past - but to wallow in it serves no good for the current people who need me. I should focus all my energy today on doing today's tasks as well as I can, with all the energy and spirit that I have.

I'm slowly getting there. But the letter did help.

I do suggest trying the daily exercises and then writing yourself a letter. Every step helps a little bit.

Hello Lisa,

I am working through the steps much more slowly than you have - maybe it's because I talk too much? Ha funny ha.

Anyway, I see that there is a circle of sorts as step one also speaks of forgiving yourself; a big one I think.

Somewhere in our psyches is lodged, stuck and well embedded the idea that somehow we are not good enough for whatever. This leads to all sorts of mischief which in turn leads to a dire need to forgive those words, omissions and actions, most often taken or made genuinely, that turn out wrong and end up with the results we didn't mean or seek - plus a need to be 'gentle with me'

So far I have found this an amazing journey - am now tackling step 6 and as I go I keep on going back to add stuff to my other steps already covered, which releases more that all makes more sense now.

Thanks for your thoughts and for your having introduced this to me,

Cheers

Lestie -

Absolutely go at your own pace. We all have different challenges and different ways of working through them. The fact that you're working on them is the key.

I'm so glad you're finding the process useful!

Forgiveness project - wrote a long private essay about my ex to help release those emotions. I was 18-and-a-month when I married. Too young. The past is in the past, and I need to release any tangle of emotions from that so I can more fully participate in my projects of the now.

One thing I have found that journal-writing does regarding forgiveness: It helps you let go of the bad thoughts and reactions that are holding you back, while at the same time enabling you to use the experience to move forward. For example... how an abused person can become less a victim and more a survivor,and then can use their empathy to help others become survivors too.

This journal is written great. The thing needs to see problems from every prospects. That’s the great mantra of forgiveness.

Right Doxi, I agree that if we could all help each other, think of how much happier we could be.