BellaOnline Forums Relationships Domestic Violence Lonely and confused

First, I just want to thank all of the strong and supportive women on this forum. In the last week I have been frantically reading thru posts for strength and inspiration. I have been in an abusive relationship for four years. The first year was like a dream- just wonderful and beautiful. The verbal and emotional abuse started so gradually, I denied it at first. My friends and family knew something was wrong but I didn't listen. He started controlling who I could see, what I could wear, how long I could be out running errands and I obliged because he seemed so fragile and afraid of me cheating. He started complaining about my job, saying I was way too stupid to get a job based on brains alone and said I must be a whore at the workplace, so he started monitoring my emails and calls. I deleted all social networking sites because they only seemed to cause trouble. We had a few physical encounters- one where he shoved me to the ground so hard and fast I didn't even see it coming. The next when I refused to "admit" that I was a bad mother and he ended up punching my chest, slinging me into walls hard enough to leave holes, sitting on me and choking me, then following me to the stairs and picking me up by the neck. I left him. I got lonely and started thinking about the good times and I literally forgot the bad times. I took him back and the verbal and emotional got worse. I was to him fat, ugly, stupid, a horrible mother, and lots of expletives I won't write here. All this time, he was unemployed and I supported him and he had literally nothing to do but sit at home, track my movements, and criticize. We had another incident because I went to the gym on a lunch break and he claimed that I must be cheating on him and just wanted attention because I'm a whore. I was driving at the time, and he reached over and hit my sunglasses into my face hard enough to completely bend and damage them. When I stopped the car, I demanded he get out and told him I was done with him forever. Well, he emailed me about a hundred times a day, apologizing and begging to get back together. I, again, started thinking about the good times and forgot the bad. And I took him back. He had promised to go to counseling but laughed at me when I tried to actually get him to go. He has promised to quit drinking but only increased to about a fifth a day. This most recent time, we were on the couch and he was insulting me - callin me every name he could think of- trying to make me jealous- but it was weird- I almost felt like I was having an out of body experience- it didn't hurt, didn't make me cry, didnt affect me. I sat there grinning and asked if he was done. Then it started- "what are you smiling at you stupid b*tch?" Before I knew it he had thrown me to the ground and was punching me with bone shattering force in my ribs. I got up to get my phone, but right as I grabbed it, he took it and punched me in the face and head with full man powered blows. I told him I was either going to knock on neighbors doors or I needed my phone- and after about 5 minutes of pleading, and feeling my face completely swelling, he gave me my phone and the police took him away. I was left with 2 broken ribs, 2 black eyes and a massive egg sized knot and bruise on my cheek. He is still in jail. And I am here at the house alone. My parents have tried to be supportive but have ended up feeling intrusive- talkin over me when dealing with police, demanding that I go about packaging his belonging in a certain way, etc. I tried to set boundaries and explained to them that I need to end this my way so that it's permanent rather than being told how to end things. And that really offended them and they aren't talking to me now. My friends were supportive for the first few days but I feel like they've disappeared. And I know their lives can't revolve around me- but I still find myself feeling a little let down and betrayed- and like the black sheep of the family- and really isolated and closed off. It's this loneliness that is the scariest because this is when I start to think about the good times and I wonder what he is doing and I feel bad for putting him in jail and I feel like it was just a misunderstanding and I shouldn't have called the police. So this time I have been clinging to the bad memories and really trying to focus on just being done with it- I just am in a really lonely and scared place right now. At least with him I was never alone. I guess I got used to being codependent and it's almost like an addiction that my family and friends don't understand. I think it's harder because I didn't plan the end and I hadn't prepared to be alone- it just happened and now he is in jail. I am thankful I don't have children with him (I have a 6 year old from a previous abusive marriage) and I am a smart and strong and loving woman. And I recognize the cycle and the need to get out. I'm just trying to fight the addiction that I have to him and think with my head, not my overly forgiving and lonely heart. Sorry so long- I just am desperate for support and a feeling of connection with people who understand- I feel so misunderstood by everyone.

I would love to help reply to this...

I just simply can't. Ironically, I can type away, but reading, even my OWN work, well...I have to take a breather or two just to edit.

I used to write much more, but even that's lagging.

If there's a question? If I've experienced something similar and it's condensed, I (especially in this forum) try and basically turn around what my experience was and sometimes happens to be in some ways.

They don't give up easily. Especially the "ones that got away."

Shorter questions, if you have them, that I can read, etc., I may not quite be able to tell what TO DO, but what I did instead.

I know it's frustrating to say the least. And, me personally? I haven't shared even half of what I experienced, in part do to my daughter.

Instead, what I do, is this thing called "masking." It works when you're trying to fit in, but it's not an answer.

It's where you look on the outside, much better than what you feel.

There's a saying, "In order to get through a difficult situation you must often have to go through it." I did and have and chose not to bring down, but uplift or help. It's like in healing or helping others, you heal yourself

There's another side to DV though, I do understand it. You can block or go into denial again and again because it's embarrassing, I'm sorry to say.

But here you can possibly find a place to start and LOTS of support!

Hi Elleise - thank you so much for support. I'm sorry, I know my post was really long with no clear question. I had so many thoughts and feelings and just wanted to let it all out to someone who truly understands without harsh judgement. I guess my question is - how do you break the addiction to the abusive man? How do you just let it go? Even though there is a no contact order, we have talked a bit since then but not seen each other. he started out accepting responsibility but quickly started blaming me and feeling sorry for himself. I know deep down that there is absolutely zero chance for a happy future with him - but I still can't let go or break my addiction to him - I can't stop loving him and just tell him it's over forever. I keep hoping in the back of my mind that he will do something or say something to change how I feel... I want him to accept responsibility and be honest with himself - and I feel unable to just let it go and let him believe that it was justified. How do you just let it go? Do they really know the truth deep down, or do they believe the lies they tell themselves to justify the abuse?

Hi Izzy07 & welcome,

Hopefully you can read better than I, lol. There's a bit of info here, if you'd like. I too can shorten if you need. Very accommodating editors here you see?

A few things. First, no need to apologize. Here you absolutely can vent. That's what it's for. It's here for support, direction and answers to an extent that can guide, at least, to a place where you can get (if you want) just level ground.

Once upon a time, my goal, believe it or not, was to breath in and out and ask myself WHAT my favorite color was and actually be able to answer. I was SO caught up in the cycle, walking on eggshells, hoping for it to turn around.

I remember being in the courtroom sobbing in front of the judge (started out collected and then just broke down).

"I just want him to stop..." That's all I said. The judge said, "Ms/X, these things often lead to Divorce," and directed me to some pamphlets on a different floor. It was awful, depressing and humiliating. It took so much for me to go in the first place and thought it would help him see how out of control he'd gotten over the years. Basically, I just wanted him to get counseling. I realize now, that doesn't even help. They tolerate it to get you back and the cycle begins again. He went twice and lied both times...

But YOU? You're already doing 2 VERY healthy, and empowering-strong things!

First, you recognize it IS an addiction and those ARE hard to break.

Second, you've an O.P. (if I read that right). Third, there's a part of you that's trying to find closure asking all the questions that pretty much went through my head as well. You're also recognizing there's likely no "fairy-tale" ending.

How do you break the cycle?

I'm not going to lie, it's difficult. On the other side I won't lie that there's so much more happiness and the REAL kind of "fairy-tale" you're heart is looking for, outside of this person.

What I did? I had a box. It was a special box. It was rectangle, w/antique roses on it and a metal thingy on the front for labeling. Basically a box that made me feel good to pick out, knowing what it was for.

The next thing I did, was fill it w/the O.P. and although I'd never go to the hospital (mine would choke me in my sleep and usually careful not to leave marks) I'd take photos of the bruises at home and put those in the box as well as his apology letters along with journal entries of my own, on top of the apology the next time he did whatever.

This "box..." Whenever the "nice guy came out and feel myself sliding back into 'hopeful-ville,' I'd take the box out and make myself see the reality, re-read the journal entries, look at the photos and cry. I kept the box hidden in broad daylight. It matched a box that coordinated w/sentimentals, which he never went through about our daughter.

The questions you ask are really good ones! The answer is unfortunately both yes and no.

Yes, they know deep down what's going on, but for the most part lie to themselves, blaming YOU or making YOU the scapegoat. Like, "You made me...you're always..." and then you start to believe you're nothing. You don't even have the energy anymore to go out, have fun because you feel worthless.

Accepting responsibility? It's not likely I'm sorry to say. It would shatter their belief system. But I'll share this w/you. Deep down, they're insecure and self-loathing themselves and it's the power, drinking (when/if they do) that make their faults "disappear."

And YES, they do believe the lies they tell themselves. It's like watching a soap-opera. The decision is, do you want to spend the rest of your life on that particular stage?

Elleise - I want to let you know that your message helped me so much last night to resist the urge to talk to him. Anytime I wanted to send him an email, I looked at your message and reminded myself that I am strong and I know better and I can do this. And then, per your suggestion, I'd look at the photos I took of my bruised face, and finally I'd look at photos of my daughter. She deserves better and she's my number one inspiration to stay away. Her name is Bella - it's part of what drew me to this forum - I felt almost compelled to come here for support. I can't thank you enough. The support means so much and keeps me strong! He's trying everything to talk me into coming back. I need to stay focused... I will stay really focused...

lzzy - i don't think i can add more to what Elleise has already said, just back what she has said. I took my abuser back twice. Both times he promised over and over he wouldn't do it anymore, things would change blah blah blah same old song and dance as I am sure you are aware of now. My final line was when he hit each of my kids. He and I both saw a side of me that night that scared even myself. I didn't hit him but pulled him up off the couch by his shirt and made a threat. Within 3 days, he went in rage mode and nearly hit the kids with a piece of furniture. I was done. The look of terror on my children's faces while hovering over them to protect them from flying objects made me sick to my stomach. I had a friend that I reached out to to help me go file paperwork to get him out of my house. If it were not for that friend, Lord knows what would have happened to me and the kids. It sounds like you reached your breaking point with him like I did with my abuser. I think you know enough is enough.

Do you have friends you can rely on for support? I see you are in Portland. Being in a big city, there should be counseling support in the area. Check with YWCA's or even call DV shelters. They often have connections in the community that they can point you to! Best of luck, stay strong, stay brave, and stay away from him.

Jeanette - thank you so much for sharing your story - it's so good to know that I'm not alone in all of this, and that the things I feel are normal. I had started communicating just a bit - here and there - and I felt myself feeling more and more responsible for his well-being, so once I realized the weight that I carry when I'm in contact with him, I cut off all contact entirely. It's been a week since I have responded to or had any kind of communication with him whatsoever. Yes - I have friends who are supportive, and I've been seeing a therapist to help me with this transition - and I've worked with the local DV counseling group. I can't thank everyone here enough for sharing their stories - the absolute best thing that anyone going thru this can know is that they are not alone and they are not crazy and that the promises are proven over and over again to be empty - and that the bottom line is that it's always smartest to just walk away.

Hi Izzy, just want to reassure you - you are not alone. I was in an abusive r/s for 15 years and now work in the field as a counselor. I have heard your story many, may times. In no way do I intend to over-simplify the issue because I know very well how difficult it is to dis-entangle from the web. But if I look at my own journey out of it - I think I began to realize that I had a right to say NO to people who did not treat me with respect and kindness. And to get to that place I had to first believe that I was worth being treated with respect. So THAT became my journey. I needed to know - in every fiber of my being - that I was a worthwhile person and deserved to be loved. And so do you my love!

Hi Breaking Free- thank you so much for your message. It came at a perfect time. Right now I'm going thru what I always seem to go thru- where I get lonely and start to question whether or not I overreacted- it's the "but he really loves me" phase- and I haven't been able to get thru it yet- I keep going back. I'm sticking to it this time- and I am working hard to get thru it and draw boundaries. It's ironic- I was just working with my therapist on practicing establishing boundaries and understanding that its ok to have and to voice my requirements. I feel weak sometimes and I think of him all alone and I see his emails and his tearful voicemails and I feel bad for him and lonely- but then I do what Elleise suggested and look at the photos of my bruises and I don't feel quite as sorry for him and lonely. Thank you so so much- it means the world to know that I'm not alone.

Yes.. I completely understand where you are at. And it is awesome your therapist is helping you with boundaries. Keep healing sweetheart - and know that you are worth having someone in your life who treats you with respect and who does not try to control you or hurt you. Don't feel sorry for him. He chose the behavior. Now he has to live with the consequence. It's like children who engage in bad behavior. If the parent allows a child to get away with it the child will keep doing it - and get even worse. You are not helping him or yourself if you go back.