New to this forum, Hello all!
I am exhausted. Seven years ago I was sexually assaulted by an ex-boyfriend that I was still "friends" with, six years ago I got into a four year long relationship that was emotionally abusive and controlling with a guy who raped me, tag on top of that a coercive one night stand two years ago, and you've got my personal recipe for disaster. During this difficult assent into becoming sexually active, I picked up a minor eating disorder, tons of anxiety, self-doubt, and a sense of helplessness to name a few things. I'm in therapy now, and I'm in the process of unwrapping this complex package of hurt and mess. Its absolutely exhausting. The farther into the process I get the more I realize how often I trap myself on a daily basis, despite the absence of danger now. I realize more and more how much I blame myself for. Its exhausting.
I'm in a functional relationship now with a guy who treats me well, thank God! But I'm still protecting myself, being defensive, trying to please him and appease him at every turn, even though none of these things serve me anymore. Its a long list of habits to break. Not to mention its awful, and un-fair to him, when I panic in perfectly safe situations.
Any stories or tips on re-establishing a sense of safety in an intimate relationship? I'm working with my therapist, but I'd love to hear from someone who has done it or knows its possible. Its a pretty daunting task at the moment.
Thanks!