BellaOnline Forums Relationships Marriage Who do you love more , your husband or kids

]During our premarital questioning with our pastor he brought up the question "Who comes first in the family, your marriage or the children?" and both of us immediately responded with "The children of course, we're grown adults but while we have children they should always come first" Apparently that was the wrong answer. Apparenly for a healthy marriage the marriage should always come first and the kids should never be allowed to come in between the marriage. According to him, the best gift you can ever give your children is a healthy marriage because it shows them what a healthy relationship is and they need that. So it got me wondering about everything. I'm guessing he's not talking about "If you have only $2 to your name and no food who gets the food your spouse or your child" because of course that should be the child. But I think he was going by situations like having a date night with your spouse but your child asks you to take them somewhere, putting your relationship first over your childs desires? Or perhaps when talking with your spouse to wait until the conversation is over before talking to the child trying to interrupt? So in a non financial way, what comes first, your marriage or your children and what does that mean to you?

It is not a question of who I love more, it is who I put my first focus on. That would be my husband and my children would come right after that.

I agree with what your pastor said, the best thing for your children is t have a happy, healthy relationship with your spouse, to raise them with two parents that love them. I'm not knocking single parents - they have a very heavy responsibility, but it is ideally best for a child to be raised with 2 parents.

If you are that close with your spouse then you will work together to make sure your children are safe and loved. So of course, food, money, and necessities will go to them and the adults will sacrifice.

But spending alone time with my husband is very important, we work in a date night at least twice a month (more if we can manage it). We always spend time at night together talking after the kids are asleep. We are not shy about kissing or holding hands in front of the kids, we are not ashamed of being in love (we of course don't show anything more than that.)

I think what it means by not letting the kids come between the marriage is letting the children dictate how the house is run. Always putting them first and never saying "No". One parent may want to punish, while the other is more lenient. Parents must decide together how to discipline and take care of their children - not let the children decide or become divisive.

I hope this makes sense.

It's not such a simple question. For one thing, it is like comparing apples to oranges.

A love for a husband is very different from love for your children. The first falls into the category of "Eros" (romantic love.) The second is more of an "Agape" (unconditional love) or even "Storge" (love and affection through familiarity/family) type of love.

You simply cannot compare the two. Can you truly love your husband unconditionally? That is, even if he should have faults such as infidelity, addictions, abusive temper, chronic lying? What if he stops loving you and falls in love with another woman? Most likely you would withdraw your love. There are boundaries we draw in a marital relationship.

In our relationship with our children, those boundaries are wide or rarely exist at all. We simply love and forgive our children over and over and over again.

When a pastor says you should put your husband first, he certainly does NOT mean that you should love your husband more than you love your children.

If he does, he does not understand love.

There are situations where your husband and marital relationship should come before the kids' activities but not all situations.

But the way I see it, these are OUR children. Our pack to love and protect together. I am taking care of and loving HIS children. That is a profound way I show how much I not only love our kids but how much I love HIM. I would die for HIS children.

We made a pact to put the kids first until they were old enough to fend for themselves. We still made time for weekly date nights and getaways. We still have plenty of the two-of-us time. But we always always are sure the kids' needs and wants and happiness are taken care of.

I hate to see couples use this "spouse first" rule to deny the kids time with the parents. One-on-on time with each child is vital, too.

My kids know that I love them unconditionally. Would never divorce them. I'm sorry to say that as strong as my love for my husband is, our marriage can be brittle. Honestly, would a wife stay with a man who confessed to cheating for years or being a closet pedophile or realizing that he doesn't love her? Actually, I have known wives who have stayed through those situations but a healthy-minded woman would not suffer that.

So no, I cannot say I love my husband MORE than my children. I love my children so unconditionally. And sadly, my love for my dear and precious husband whom I honestly believe I loved unconditionally because it has been tested through the years is still subject to conditions. I know that there could be situations that might call me to withdraw my love.

I love my husband deeply and eternally but I would withdraw from our relationship if he treated me badly or if he fell in love with another woman. So my love for him is conditional after all...

:*( What a sad realization.

I do love him unconditionally in that I would continue to love him in an AGAPE love way but perhaps not an EROS or romantic way anymore.

On a good note: Tomorrow we celebrate 28 years of marriage! Yay! We just returned from an out-of-town trip and it was fantastic. He is teaching me photography and we snapped pics here and there. Alone time was amazing. We're still very much in love. In fact, I love him more than I did on the day we married.

I don't think that people understand that the love bond that a mother has for her children goes deeper than the heart. It is a basic instinct. It is in our very biology.

My husband knows that my love for our children is a force not to be reckoned with. I am a pacifist but threaten my children and my mama bear instinct kicks in. I would literally tear a wild animal to shreds with my bare hands to protect my children.

The love I have for my mate, my soul mate, is deep and eternal. My husband does not feel that my love for him is diminished in any way because of my love for our children. He is the only man I love and I would take a bullet for him, too.

I do put my husband first is many, many ways. He typically gets first choice of what we eat, do, see (as far as movies) etc. The kids see my respect for him. But I won't neglect our children.

I think that every child needs to know that his parents love him the most. That he does not come second in their family lives. Anything less leads to insecurity. That does not mean to spoil him or indulge his every whim. But our kids, even as adults, know that their parents love them dearly and that we would drop everything to see to their well-being. And that we do so as a couple, as their parents who are a team.

They also have witnessed that their parents love each other immensely and enjoy a very special relationship. They've seen through the years how we've faced rocky times and how we've overcome them because we love each other.

I don't love my husband more than I love my children. I don't love my children more than my husband. I love them differently.
Once again, it's like comparing apples and oranges and one fruit is not better than the other. Together, they made a beautiful compote of love.

It makes sense, Lori. I can understand that.

Dear Cassie, I'd like to talk to you privately about some of your older posts. I seem to be unable to send you a PM. Would you please contact me? Thanks.

Girl, 1st you are over your PM limit. You'll have to wait a day or so to PM again.

2nd, Who did you mean exactly? There isn't a Cassie in this topic thread.

[quote=Chelle SFF Movies]Girl, 1st you are over your PM limit. You'll have to wait a day or so to PM again. 2nd, Who did you mean exactly? There isn't a Cassie in this topic thread. [/quote] I meant Debbie - Spirituality Editor. I apologize, I don't know how this forum works. Long-time lurker, never registered until today.

Chelle.....before I became editor I went by Cassie67. That is the member name I chose when I first joined BellaOnline three years ago, so my earlier posts have this name.

girl_least_likely_to.......I would be happy to talk with you privately but I am not able to reach you by Private Message (PM) yet. I will keep trying.

In the meantime you can go directly onto my site, the Spirituality site and not the forum, and select the "Contact" icon to the right, the little gold envelope in the circle. It will bring you to a page where you can put in your email address and write me a message.

I look forward to talking with you soon.