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When your spouse is unfaithful finding your way forward requires courage and candor.

What to do when your spouse is unfaithful


Barbara Gibson
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Well written article, Barbara. I appreciated the wisdom and honesty. I'm disappointed in Pat Robertson's advice because he made some general comments that I felt were insulting to wives.

In essence, he is saying that men cheat and we should accept it and stop making a big deal out of it.

Your advice was more on the mark. There comes a time when enough is enough. A woman has to decide for herself what this marriage means to her and what the parameters of her marriage are. Agreements and vows have been exchanged.

It is a spiritual vow and if it is to be broken again and again, it becomes meaningless.

I often encourage spouses to consider the reasons for infidelity and work through and beyond them but to simply brush it all under the rug, to me, is destructive.

Thanks again.


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Dear Barbara,

I am a man ,I say divorce him.If he did it once ,he'll do it again.Having lived a very active life,main reason men are unfaithful,is sex.

Loong

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I have many words that describes Pat Robertson very well but I'm sure it won't pass here so I'm not going to write them.

And I know that we are in the Women's Issues forum but women also cheat.

Whether it is men or women who cheat in both cases it is wrong.

If it were a partner of mine I would immediately dump that man and never come back.

I have nothing against someone who decides to forgive and stay with someone who cheated on them, what I do have a problem is when that same person keeps on whining about that and always bringing it up, if you decided to stay with person who cheated then that means that you forgave that person and that you let that go. And you can't be surprised if he or she cheats on you again.

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Dear Nancy,

In A French study 46 % of women admitted having had one or more affairs.Your answer is right on.
Bravo

loong

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I chose to stay with my spouse after he cheated. He only admitted it to me when he was sick and thought he was dying, only to alleviate his own guilt, I am sure. I forgave him and focused on getting him healthy, but in turn I buried my feelings of pain and betrayal. In the long run it hurt the relationship because the trust had been broken. Years later he cheated again and divorced me. Cheating was not the only problem in our marriage, but it certainly did not help sustain the relationship.

In hindsight now I would never put up with it again. I would end the relationship. Cheating is a selfish and self-centered act. In a lot of cases, once a cheater always a cheater. I have always been one for unconditional love and forgiveness, but in reality cheating is a big problem for some. Get a taste of it once and you want more. In my ex-husband's case, his father was also unfaithful in his marriage.

I have never cheated on a spouse or a lover. If you are committed to someone you have chosen to be exclusive. I respect that commitment. A marriage is a commitment that should be taken seriously, and if someone wants to play around with various partners then they should not get married or make commitments that they cannot keep. Have respect for another human being who is investing a lot of their life to be with you.


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Dear Barbara,

In my younger days and still today,I have always been a Woman's men.
I never cheated any of the girls I went out with.42 years ago,
I divorced my only wife ,because both of us were cheating .Her with my best friend that later committed suicide,and me ,it was in my active alcoolic days.Since then cheating has been banned in my vocabulary.
When I meet a woman one of the first things ,I tell her is:
At the first fight with shouting,the relation is over.If you shout ,you are not on the same path anymore.

loong

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Thanks so much for the feedback! I wanted to start a dialogue because I know many people have/are experiencing the fallout of cheating in their relationships. It can be tough to tease out how much of what is going on belongs to just you, to just your spouse and to both of you as a couple. If one person takes on too much, or not enough responsibility for what has happened the situation quickly becomes impossible. I'm not just talking about blame. I want to encourage honest conversations about how the relationship got to this place. The best way forward, whether that is reconciliation or separation, can only come when you are honest - first with yourself and then with your spouse.


Barbara Gibson
Women's Issues

Moderated by  Barbara - Women's Issues 

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