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Joined: May 2013
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I just recently found out that my husband is addicted to porn. I walked in on him recently and caught him, he tried lying to me over and over again. Then one day while he was at work he decided to text me and tell me the truth that he is addicted to porn. Im having a hard time dealing with this, its tearing me up inside at night before we go to bed he disappears. I know what he is doing and it just makes me cry. He has turned me down now many times, I have tried to do everything for him. He uses excuses like hes tired, or im too sore from work, then I find out that he is watching porn instead of being with me. Im hurt, I feel alone, this is just tearing me to pieces, I need help to deal with this. Even when I tried confronting him about it he gets mad at me and tells me not to look into it. I can't just turn my head and ignore it. My marriage is hanging on the line,and we have only been married 6 months and it hurts that im now just finding this out.All I do now is cry at night and sometimes I even break down at work.. What do I do???

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Seek counseling.

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I agree. Find somebody who you relate to and can speak with candidly. If you don't find that person right away, keep looking.

Especially, since you have only been married for six months, it is important to address this now. If you and your husband have children, this could impact them, too!


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I agree with the ladies here that professional help is needed to get to the root of why he feels he needs so much porn in his life. Many men like some porn now and then and it does not affect their life negatively, but it may even add a little spice to the relationship. But when it becomes secretive and obsessive then it should be addressed. It is obviously affecting the intimate part of your relationship, and then some. If this is ignored he could very well seek physical relations elsewhere to fulfill the fantasies he is obsessing over by watching all of this porn. He is trying to escape from something that is bothering him, whether it is marriage related, family related, job related, or something else entirely. At this point it is not healthy for him or for your marriage. Get some help with this as soon as you can.


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Hello Lyddie Sue. Porn addiction is often a very misunderstood problem because, as Debbie mentioned, many men enjoy it without any negative repercussions in their relationships. Men are visual creatures and drawn to those titillating images.

However, any type of addiction should be professional addressed when it affects the addict's ability to maintain healthy functional relationships professionally, socially and personally. This is affecting your marriage because he is avoiding intimacy with you.

I want you to understand an important point: This is NOT about you so do your best to try not to take this personally. For example, this is not about your attractiveness/unattractiveness or his love or perceived lack of love for you.

This unhealthy addiction to porn started before your relationship. Yes, it does need to be dealt with. I can offer you the following suggestions that might help:
1. Seek counseling. Go for yourself and by yourself regardless of whether or not he will go with you.
2. Encourage him to go to a counselor by himself so he can have the privacy and confidentiality to speak freely.
3. Do your best not to judge or condemn him no matter how angry or hurt you might be feeling because your upset adds to his helplessness and disappointment in himself which only causes him to turn to his addiction for temporary solace.

As you both receive counseling, you can decide if and how you'll work through it together. No one said marriage would be a cake walk. Love is strengthened by being tested. Can you love this man and stand by him when you learn about his imperfections?

Six months is a very short time and now is the time to decide if you want to proceed for 20 years more. I say this because so many men and women hide their flaws and their new spouses think, "Well, I didn't know this before I made my vows. I didn't sign up for this!" And it's true.

So do find out through counseling whatever you can learn about him and yourself now. Then, reflect upon whether you love him enough to try to fix this problem.

Can porn addiction be overcome? Yes. Can "his" addiction be overcome? That is yet to be revealed during counseling. He needs to attend by himself. Point out that it is a major problem because it is replacing real life intimacy and physical relations with a real life woman, his wife. And it can worsen. Some men will view porn at work and face firing and/or legal consequences. Others could turn to prostitutes to act out the fantasies in real life when the porn is not enough to stimulate them.

Even if it doesn't lead to more serious behaviors, it is creating distance in your marriage and that alone is a reason to seek help.

Please know we are here for you. PM me at any time.

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Hello Lyddie Sue,

Everyone else seems like they have good advice for this. I defer to Susan's experience that counseling would be a good option, even as I don't have much knowledge of that. Thought I'd throw in my perspective, am hoping I don't offend...

I agree strongly with Connie in that it's important to address this issue now. Not just because of the length of marriage or the possibility of kids - his (seeming) avoidance strategy is insufficient. You are brave to not only recognize that something is quite amiss but also to seek other's advice in this.

I second what Debbie has said that it's affecting the intimate part of the relationship and then some. Here I'd like to strongly emphasize what Lori said, as well: this is not about you. There isn't a flaw in how you've treated him, how you look or act or anything like that. Odds are this has been something he's been dealing with for a while. In relationships we expose not only what we don't know about the other person (as you've found doubtlessly) but also what we don't know about ourselves (which he is encountering). The actions you've named suggest he might believe he's got this under control. Avoidance is an effective conflict strategy, at times. Unfortunately those times are short-lived: when we don't get along with a co-worker after we've decided to quit, a stranger on the street is rude to us, etc. They simply aren't sustainable. You are right to push, even if he doesn't realize it. It's not only good for the both of you but it's good for him on a personal level.

What Lori said about doing your best not to judge him is something I also stand strongly behind. It's incredibly difficult not to engage in wars of emotion when we're emotionally invested. As difficult as it may be do your best to keep love at the forefront. That's not to say follow your heart at the expense of yourself - if he repeatedly proves unwilling to even engage in discussion on the matter then you've learned how he'll handle problems he doesn't want to talk about. Marriage isn't just about how we act when things are going grand but also when they're going poorly, too. Do your best to not attack him during relevant conversations or put him on the spot (ie. "you always," "you never" etc.).

Once more I'd like to stress that this isn't your fault. You're the one who is experiencing him as he faces this problem. It's on you to try and urge him to talk with you, to become stronger than his addiction or to attend counseling to help. If he's unwilling to let you be there for him that doesn't mean he doesn't love you; It means he's not ready to let go yet - a him thing, not a you thing.

I've rambled longer than I intended on this so I'll close with practical advice. Mind you I don't know anything about the matter other than what you've posted, and I'm certainly no psychologist, but I still believe some of this may come to be of use to you.

-Don't blame yourself for how he's acting. It's his addiction that's affecting your relationship, not the other way around.

-Continue to push constructively. He needs to know the current state of affairs isn't acceptable and will never be acceptable if it continues this way.

-Read a book, study the Alexander Technique, get a deck of cards - anything: Find a hobby you can engage in so that you aren't allowing yourself to tear yourself apart over this. It sure beats agonizing. If he's this resistant but you insist then it might be a long battle. You might even try getting him to do this with you instead of his current choice. I've been in relationships where intimacy had to take the back burner for a long while due to stress - it isn't fun, but hobbies help redirect that irritation.

-Keep talking with others about it - connecting with people who can relate or offer advice like you have here. It can help you see other perspectives about it as well as help you to not feel so alone.


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