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#820147 05/09/13 12:27 AM
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I think we need some help. Will try to be brief - met husband 9 years ago, he had custody of his children - son 9 daughter 11 - I have a son who was 10 at the time. Got together, got married, and things ticked along. Then his ex wife died. She was rarely seeing her kids,she had a serious drink problem. Found out in a letter via the CSA that she was dead. Her mother, never told the kids, at her request. Fast forward a couple of years, Daughter is now 16, son is 14. We own a pub, cash and stock is missing, but husband will not admit it could be one of his kids doing it. Basically catch the daughter red handed but he wont have it. Come out of the pub, get normal jobs etc to see if that helps, but both kids display more hostility. Daughter comes out, is in a relationship with a girl she met on the net and was sneaking into our home all hours of the day and night. Fully accepting her sexual choice, but her school work starts suffering. She's arrested, charged with assault of a young girl - an alleged ex of her girl friend - just generally going off the rails. Eventually, husband tells her she has to live by our rules or leave. She leaves, and moves in with her maternal grandmother. Still see her, have a tentative relationship with her. She starts a course at University and tells us it is going well. Husband's mother is unwell, terminal cancer, and daughter is close to her. Then the lies start. It was apparently my fault she left home. I apparently hate her. Husband asks me to ignore what she is saying and doing, to her grandmother and other family members, so we can just live a quiet life. My relationship with grandmother then starts to suffer. Stepson then starts same as his sister. Constant lies and battles. Smoking dope, drinking underage, constantly missing school and not working well when he is there. I went into school countless times. Kept telling hubby and grandmother that he needed some help, serious anger problems, probably depression. Basically, they ignored it. Said I was wrong and it was just high spirits!! Daughter then comes to us wanting a new car to get her to university. She has some money in trust via her mum, and wants to get a car. I offer to buy her a small car, as I am proud of her for going to university and making a good job of it. Get the car .... and then find out she was failing university, was just about ready for being thrown out but was waiting for her next finance cheque. More lies! So I take my money back out of the money left to her by her mum. She leaves Uni ..... dumps her girlfriend and leaves her in serious debt ...... meets the most vile creature on the planet and sets up home with her ....... and then stops all contact with anyone except her brother. Grandmother has not seen her for 6 months. She is devastated. Never even spoke to her on her 80th Birthday. Son is now 17 - 18 in 6 days. So far been arrested a few times, constantly smoking pot, drinking, arrogant, argumentative, dirty, lazy, failing college, a total waste of time. Did manage to get him in the doctors - was diagnosed with depression - got tablets - wouldn't take them and won't go back to the doctors as 'there is nothing wrong with him - it's ME that is the problem'! We have another pub - which is hard work. Trying to get is up and running has been a huge effort. Son has caused major ruptions for the last 12 months with his behaviour. Twice been asked to leave - and come back but we have set conditions which he continues to ignore. Will not live in our home by our rules. So now he's gone again after the next huge row. He constantly is lying to people about me. Says I'm treating him badly, being the traditional wicked step mum. Husband is devastated. He feels like he has lost the 2 most important things in the world. His kids treat him like dirt. They do not care for him at all. The constantly lie to him about their education, their lives, everything!!! He sits there and is so happy only for the bubble to burst when the truth comes out. The reason both kids hate me is because I see them for what they are. I see straight through them. I see the way they manipulate people into falling for the 'poor me, my mum is dead, routine. Then - BAM - they go in for the kill. This post sounds bitter. I am bitter. I'm also now emotionally detatched from these kids. I have tired - really tried - I have nursed them when they are ill, gone etra lengths at christmas/birthdays, taken on the mother role and wanted them to be happy, contented, good people. But they fight me on everything. Upshot is ..... I no longer wish to have any contact with them. I have told my husband this, and he is hurting badly. Is it going to end my marriage? Probably. I've told my husband the truth, that he needs to 'man up' and get control again, but he isn't that kind of guy. Any advice is welcome. Very welcome. I'm at the end of my tether. The pain for me has been like losing a natural child. People seem to think step mothers cannot love a step child but I did and still do. But I also ave to think what the home situation is doing to my child and me. And to him and his kids!! HELP!!

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dumdum #831881 08/01/13 06:04 AM
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First of all, I'm so sorry to hear that you've been walking through all of this! That sounds so difficult...I can definitely see that in the midst of all of the craziness,though, that you really do love and care about both of your step children, and I'm sure that makes the pain of this even worse. I really hope this does not come off as judgmental (because I don't at all mean to be!), but I am just wondering - how do you think divorcing your husband would help?


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