BellaOnline Forums Relationships Married No Kids Common Myths of the Childfree Woman

Hi All,
I am the editor for the Mental Health site. I felt this weeks article was appropriate to post here as well. I had a very long list of "myths" but was only able to write about a few so that the article was not too long.

Childfree women often experience the unfortunate fall out of being viewed as selfish, not nurturing, or even worse, a child-hater. While there are several myths about her situation, this article takes a look at some of the more common misconceptions and why these conclusions are often wrong.

Common Myths of the Childfree Woman

I would love to hear the reactions you have received when sharing your childfree status and/or the myths/misconceptions you have heard or experienced.

Hi Dr. Hershey,

I really enjoyed your article with the cultural and societal ' shoulds '.

Those in power and those who own and control the media orchestrate these ' shoulds ' throughout the decades to their economic benefit.

My Mom used to say, " The Rich get richer " and ' The Poor get children '.

I come from a Catholic background and their bully pulpit from the mid-'40s all the way through the mid '60s was, " Have as many children as you possibly can " !!!

It was economic.

More people = more money and a more comfortable and luxurious life for me while you deal with the hard core responsibility of raising a child !

Well, the fallout of all of this was that the elder girls of large Catholic families e.g. 12 or more kids ended up rasing their younger siblings which led to:

From your article, " If you live your life to please others, however, you may find yourself feeling unsatisfied and resentful. "

I've seen it over and over.

The elder girls may have wanted a career, but could not.

After raising their siblings, they became spinsters by choice.

When everything is said and done, it is a tremendous responsibility to bring a life into this world -- and you are completely ' on your own ' to do it economically, spiritually, socially and everything else.

So, these ' should ' people need to shut their mouth and should on themselves instead !!!

Thanks Burt!
I could have written a book! There are so many myths, but I had to write about only three in order to be sure the article was not too long.

I would love to hear what other woman/men have heard in response to their "no child" responses to family, friends, and the innocent stranger?

Great article and good points made. Being child free I have had to deal with these things in my adult life.....the questions, the looks, the having to justify myself for my personal choices. Society at large still just assumes that because you are female that you will have children at some point. I often felt judged and misunderstood, and I consider myself a very loving person. Now that I am older it is more understandable to people that I won't start a family at almost 46 years old.

Thanks Debbie.
It would be nice if people could respect other people's choices and not place judgment on them.

The most annoying and ignorant statement/question I have heard often is, "Why? Don't you like children?" What does liking children have to do with whether a person wants to take on the job of being a parent???

Dr. Hershey, I waited until I was almost 30 to marry. Then, my husband and I carefully considered whether we wanted to change our life together to add a child to our family. After thinking seriously about it, we decided to have children. Our decision could have gone either way. I support a person who knows her own mind. Nobody should feel obligated to have children to satisfy another person's idea of what is "right" for them.

Think about future articles on this topic. It sounds like you have enough material for several more.

Connie,
I think the fact that you seriously thought about it is what some people don't do and then they find themselves in a situation that makes them sad, angry and resentful.

Your comment that nobody should feel obligated to have children to satisfy another person's idea of what is right for them is the problem. Society puts such extreme unspoken and spoken pressures on what is the right path to take for all that it makes it very difficult for people to hear their own voice.

It takes strength, courage and being very self aware to know what is right for you even if that means going down a path that is not the norm and may likely be judged as wrong.

I wish I had the time to write articles for this site!

At one time I considered writing articles for this site. Choosing to be child free cost me my marriage, a relationship of 19 years that when lost just ripped me apart. I came to this site for solace 3 years ago when my husband asked me for a divorce. I was very active on this forum back then and I am sure to this day I could come up with a lot of material to write about.

But alas....there is only so much time....

When I hear that women who have no children are selfish (thankfully i have never heard that 1...if i ever do the person who said it will soon regret ever saying it) I either laugh, roll my eyes or get angry. There is nothing selfish in not having a child but having one or more when you or/and your partner is not ready for one or/and do not want one is selfish.

In my case I know that I am not ready for one so this is why I never had any kids. I like kids and I know that I would be a good mother but I am not in any position to have one. If I ever become in a position to have children I will adopt. There are so many unwanted children in the world. And also there are too many human beings on Earth.

Having at least one child seems to be one of the rules to be considered a human being (its right after drinking alcohol and never admitting to a mistake and going to university...then you have to get married and have a house...if just 1 of those things are missing youre looked at like youre not even a person) and it is extremely ridiculous!

My ex-husband's grandmother once said to us at a family event "If you don't have kids you become selfish." I never answered her and let him handle it. Good thing I liked her otherwise and respected her as his grandmother, because I would have told her off.