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I have had my anxiety under control for the last few years. I was at a point a few years back where I had severe anxiety and agrophobia. Since then, I have managed to control my anxiety better, go to work full time, buy a home, and live a somewhat normal life. For the last 7 years, I have lived with just my boyfriend. Recently, his brother, his wife, and 2 small kids needed to move out of their apartment and needed a place to stay in the interim. His parents offered their home, however, since it is just me and my boyfriend, and we have two extra bedrooms, they wanted to stay with us. At first, I thought it was just going to be an inconveince, however; it became worse than that. I started feeling my home, the space I look at as my "safe place", the place I go to relax, is now filled with crazyiness. The baby is always crying, the 3 year old is throwing tantrum's (which I know kids do) and besides that I have 3 animals, 2 dogs and a cat who are trying to adjust. I started suffering from panic attacks again, loss of appetite, interrupted sleep, and constant worry. I told my boyfriend how I was feeling and told him I would try and "suck it up" for the next few weeks but the anxiety has just gotten worse. I told my boyfriend today that I needed them to move out. He became extremly angry, which was expected, and told me my issue is now inconveiencing him and his family and it puts him in a tough spot, which I understand. I feel awful even telling him this but at the same time I need to worry about my health. I can't risk going back down a bad path of anxiety. Do you think I am being unreasonable?

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I'm not a professional, but I can offer you some thoughts. smile

First of all, you're not being unreasonable at all. You have an anxiety disorder that you've been managing very well. I'm proud of you because you are able to verbalize your needs to your boyfriend despite his upset.

Since you've been with your boyfriend for seven years and have gotten your anxiety under control for the past two, he should be well aware of your challenges.

It must be expressed to both your boyfriend and his family that none of this is personal. It isn't about the brother, wife and kids. It is about the change to your environment.

You might say to them, "I really want to have you all here. I adore you guys. It's just that I struggle with an anxiety disorder and agoraphobia that comes out when there is a change to my environment. I'm sorry if this inconveniences you but I need for you to consider moving in with your parents. It's not a personal thing but it is about my mental health."

If pressed, you can add, "I thought I could handle this but my panic attacks are returning, and I think it is because I need a lot of personal space. If you had nowhere else to go, I'd just stay in my bedroom to try to cope but since your parents offered, I'd be so grateful if you took them up on that."

You've made a lot of progress and you don't want to backslide. Although, perhaps with Dr. Hershey's help...she might be able to provide coping mechanisms to help you through this while your in-laws stay? You might consider it a form of exposure therapy?

Your own little escape pod in the bathtub? Meditation? Going out to the library? How long are they planning to stay?

Just my thoughts.


Lori Phillips
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Originally Posted By: Gigi0822
His parents offered their home, however, since it is just me and my boyfriend, and we have two extra bedrooms, they wanted to stay with us.
Dear Gigi0822, I have been in and out of mental hospitals since 1977.

Nobody knows exactly what it is and by God's Grace after 25 years a proper medication balance has been found. If I had to self-diagnose it would be Bi-Polar Manic with a strong schizophrenic component.

My girlfriend has panic attacks.

My so-called ' brothers ' tried to make me homeless because they just thought I was lazy.

I really do have a problem.

So does Connie.

Now, you listen here.

You appeal to the parents, and be firm but make sure they, your boyfriend and his brother know that, " I did my fair share ".

" They Wanted ".

Look, if you don't get those people out of your house, then you could end up in the hospital and it is no ' imaginary ' illness that you have.

You have combated it for a long time, and have had to overcome hurdles to get your life stable.

Right now, I live in a very large home all by myself.

Connie has to stay somewhere else for income purposes.

I have step-children and step-grandchildren in another state.

If the proverbial ' stuff hit the fan ', we would house them, but could not live under the same roof.

I would get sick again.

It's taking everything I have to stay stable alone.

Ask them if they want to pay your hospital bill ???

You should have never done it in the first place.

I'm scared for you because I have been to those places, and they are not pretty.

Stick to your guns.

-- Burt B.

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Dear Gigi,
Lori gave some great advice.
If you had just had a heart episode (i.e. heart attack) and the doctor said to keep your stress level very low, it usually would be immediately and without question followed by you and your family. It is sad that mental health illnesses are still seen differently.

For anyone who has experienced major depression you know that the depressive symptoms are not just mental but also physical. Your joints ache and you can't concentrate. So with anxiety.....

It is very hard to make others understand your silent pain and it is also hard to experience their judgment and negative reactions....as Lori and you both said, it is not personal and you would trade in your mental health disorder for a house full of family.

I know it is easy for us to give advice...much harder to live it. If you can sit down with your boyfriend and have him remember all this information about your illness that he already knows (his family is unconsciously putting pressure on him --so he isn't able to be as compassionate and clear headed as he probably usually is) then you can get him to help be your voice.

As far as coping strategies to help you, I think it may be futile at this point as your safe place is compromised. Since you are seeing/feeling the build up of anxiety, it is best to reach out to your therapist (if you are seeing one) for additional support and to try and get your bf on board with having the family take turns and spend half the time (or the rest of the time) with your bf's parents.

Burt is right that you should not sacrifice your health and well-being to please others ... it is not like there is no alternative and it is not like it is a life or death situation for your bf's family.

I wish you luck and I wish you well Gigi.....


Dr. Ilyssa Hershey
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Thanks everyone for the great advice. I talked to my boyfriend last week and he communicated to his brother that him staying here just won't work out. They did look for apartments this past week and his parents offered their home again. I have been trying to be patient in waiting on their decision as to where to go. I am hoping they are out of my house by this weekend so I can start to get back to my normal self again.

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Good for you! smile

Be extra loving to your supportive boyfriend (thank him profusely for understanding) and extra kind to his family so they will see that it was nothing personal.

Then, celebrate! smile


Lori Phillips
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Twitter: @tweetdreams4u
and @flutterby03

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