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#806178 - 02/14/13 07:29 PM Re: SIL, and how her drama makes my marriage awful [Re: sad_1]
sad_1 Offline
Amoeba

Registered: 11/20/11
Posts: 51
The stuff that I am asking/reminding him to do is stuff he already agreed to do and stuff that (at his request) I have given him specific instructions on how to do. I will not allow him to sit at home and do nothing but play video games all day while I work and go to school. Video games are an unhealthy obsession for him. Leaving the house a mess and waiting until the last second to wash my uniforms because he got too busy playing video games is unacceptable. As for treating him like a child, I wish that he would stop expecting me to be some combination of mother and waitress. He once told me I was rude because I walked past the room where he was playing video games to get myself a glass of water and did not bring a water for him. I'm not quite sure why he expects that I will be the main source of income for the family and also keep the house clean and the laundry done, etc. I am really at my wits end as to what to do with him.

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#806182 - 02/14/13 08:03 PM Re: SIL, and how her drama makes my marriage awful [Re: sad_1]
Lori-Dreams Offline
BellaOnline Editor
Chipmunk

Registered: 07/27/12
Posts: 1963
Men can be big babies, for certain. Especially when they become spoiled. You've been the main breadwinner and he has less responsibilities. If his depression is causing him to escape into video addiction, he needs to seek help. Of course, most men will refuse that course of action.

There comes a time when a wife needs to deliver a clear and serious message before she walks out. Ultimatums can be seen as manipulative and cruel but there is nothing more cruel than walking out without warning so giving him an ultimatum can be a last ditch effort to save your marriage:

How to Issue an Ultimatum
_________________________
Lori Phillips
Dreams editor

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#806834 - 02/19/13 06:57 PM Re: SIL, and how her drama makes my marriage awful [Re: sad_1]
sad_1 Offline
Amoeba

Registered: 11/20/11
Posts: 51
What kills me is that I had him going to see a counselor, but he decided that she couldn't help him anymore and that he was wasting too much gas driving to her office. I thought about giving him an ultimatum, but I am not in the position to follow through on it at this time. I'm trying to get him back into school. I did tell him that IF he wants to go halfway across the country to school, THEN he needs to do certain things before he leaves. Making sure I have a reliable vehicle and making sure the boxes in storage are organized. I think that he actually needs a job, considering that things were better before he got fired for insubordination. I'd even venture to say that he has more responsibilities now than when he worked because now that he is not working, I refuse to do any of the housework. I go to school 4 days a week and work the other days. I told him that I would not clean while he is playing video games. I will not put my grades in jeopardy for someone whose actions suggest that his hobby is more important than everything. It's just so frustrating.

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#807076 - 02/20/13 08:54 PM Re: SIL, and how her drama makes my marriage awful [Re: sad_1]
Lori - Marriage Offline
BellaOnline Editor
Koala

Registered: 11/26/09
Posts: 2686
Loc: Orange, CA USA
This is why marriage can be so difficult: People don't always behave rationally. Of course, it is entirely unfair that he plays video games while you work, go to school and clean the house.

Marriage counseling is the most difficult of all the branches of psychology/counseling because it involves *two* people, not one client, and encouraging change when one party may not want change at all.

That he got fired for insubordination gives you a big clue into his psyche. He probably has a subconscious resistance to authority.

Your setting rules will be met with resistance. The truth is that although he is "wrong" or "unfair" in regards to your relationship issues, unless he wants to change, he won't.

He has to experience some major motivation to change by either experiencing more pain by staying as is or more pleasure through changing. Many wives achieve this by making the situation entirely unpleasant (nagging, divorce threats, misery, arguments) coupled with positive reinforcement when they see the changes they want (happiness, respect, compliments, sex).

I'm not saying to do this; I'm saying that this is what marital conflict eventually comes down to because it is a natural reaction.

Some husbands are resistant no matter what and they will choose to leave the marriage to escape the negatives rather than make necessary changes to stay in the relationship. There has to be bigger reasons to stay and change to accommodate the other spouse.


Edited by Lori - Marriage (02/21/13 04:03 PM)
_________________________
Lori Phillips
Marriage editor

BellaOnline.com Marriage
Twitter: @BellaMarriage

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#807269 - 02/21/13 04:06 PM Re: SIL, and how her drama makes my marriage awful [Re: sad_1]
Lori - Marriage Offline
BellaOnline Editor
Koala

Registered: 11/26/09
Posts: 2686
Loc: Orange, CA USA
I edited the above to correct a typo, not content.

But I wanted to add that wives will opt to leave, too, when they decide they no longer what to live with the status quo. It's all about the balance between pain and pleasure.

Spouses have to be experiencing some positives/rewards/pleasure or benefits of some kind in order to stay. And those benefits need to outweigh the negatives of leaving.
_________________________
Lori Phillips
Marriage editor

BellaOnline.com Marriage
Twitter: @BellaMarriage

Dreams editor
Bellaonline.com Dreams site
The Dream Collective
Dreams: What are you trying to tell yourself?
Twitter: @tweetdreams4u
and @flutterby03

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