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#805365 - 02/09/13 07:42 AM Husband behaved badly
SWK Offline
Jellyfish

Registered: 02/06/08
Posts: 102
Hi,

Last night, we were invited to a friend's house for drinks and dinner, along with four other couples. We've been friends with this group of people for about ten years and usually socialize with them once or twice a month. Although they have very different political views than my husband has, we all manage to get along . . . usually.

After having a couple of beers too many, my husband overheard my friends discussing their views on gun control. He immediately jumped in and began arguing with them about their ideas, escalating to the point where he was on a rant--talking loudly, interrupting, not allowing them to respond, etc. I left with him shortly thereafter. (I was drinking Ginger Ale . . .)

I personally don't agree 100% with either my friends' views or my husband's views, but that's not my concern. It's that he went overboard pushing his views on them--in an extremely rude and disrespectful way, in my opinion. Last night, I told him that although he has good points, no one would hear them if he just yells and makes everyone defensive. He said, "I'll never change them, anyway. I don't care what they think. As long as you're not mad . . ."

He is acting a bit peevish this morning, but I'd be surprised if he admitted that he did anything wrong.

I am embarrassed, even though I know that he is not me--in other words, he made his choices and is responsible for his own actions. So I don't really know why I'm the one who feels embarrassed. And I feel like I should apologize to the couple who invited us--even if it's just to apologize for not taking my husband home earlier.

Has anyone else been in a similar situation? Should I apologize, not for his behavior, but for my lack of predicting his overreaction?

Or should I just leave it alone?
_________________________
SWK

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#805369 - 02/09/13 08:09 AM Re: Husband behaved badly [Re: SWK]
Lori - Marriage Offline
BellaOnline Editor
Koala

Registered: 11/26/09
Posts: 2686
Loc: Orange, CA USA
Hi, SWK. Yikes. Many of us can identify with your situation. Not uncommon but uncomfortable nonetheless!

The good news is that these friends have known you both for a long time. They should be mature enough to understand that everyone can get a little overheated when voicing personal opinions, especially when intoxicated.

You were so right in how you dealt with your husband (telling him that although he has good point, no one would hear them if he just yells and makes everyone defensive.) He was right in saying he'll never change them.

Many men will never admit defeat--at least publicly. No need to force this upon him.

If I were you (and I have been in your situation before), I would call to apologize to the couple. I feel that it is my way of looking out for my husband and our social relationships. He might not have the courage or integrity or humility to do it himself and, as his wife, I'd cover him. He would do the same for me in other situations in which I am weak.

In my marriage, we have an agreement: "Okay, I'll take this one for you." "Ok, I'll jump under the bus for you." This means that when one of us makes a mistake or can't face up to something, the other has his back. For example, my husband went on a rant about beer and anyone who drinks one particular brand must be a hillbilly with no taste. Of course, that offended the ones who drink this beer. On another occasion, he proclaimed the worst birthday present is a pair of socks, just as he was opening up his gift from my aunt which was a pair of socks. I apologized for him on both occasions. On the other hand, when I really can't face up to not attending an event, my husband will take the blame for me to avoid social backlash. Once, I felt humiliated because the main dish for guests didn't turn out. Instead of ridiculing me in front of company, my darling husband took the heat and said he tried his hand at cooking and it didn't turn out. Is this dishonest? Yes, I suppose it is. But it's a way we protect each other.

If I were you, I'd say something like, "I wanted to call to apologize for last night. The situation got out of hand and I'm sorry if anyone was offended. Everyone has his own opinions and my husband just feels strongly about this issue. We both value your friendship and would hate if it too many beers would ruin it."

And, your friend is still chilly or tense, try to use humor: "Tell you what, if this subject comes up again, I'll shoot him myself!" haha.
_________________________
Lori Phillips
Marriage editor

BellaOnline.com Marriage
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#805413 - 02/09/13 01:20 PM Re: Husband behaved badly [Re: SWK]
SWK Offline
Jellyfish

Registered: 02/06/08
Posts: 102
Thanks for the awesome advice, Lori! I love how you worded the apology, and I also like the "shoot 'im" reference!

I guess this is one of those times when marriage really does mean covering each other for better or for "worse." You'd think I'd realize that after being with him for twelve years. smile
_________________________
SWK

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#805420 - 02/09/13 02:22 PM Re: Husband behaved badly [Re: SWK]
loongdragon Offline
Koala

Registered: 09/21/12
Posts: 2200
Loc: Mont Tremblant,quebec Can
To all or none

I am a rehabilitated alcoholic ,36 years sober.My view is different from yours.If someone drinks to a point to where he
cannot control himself ,this person should not drink.The first signs of Alcoholism ,is loosing control of one's emotions.

I understand a wife wanting to cover for the couple,but you ladies did nothing wrong.It's the person that drank.The more you will cover for him ,the more space it gives him to drink.Maybe he subcosciously knows that,and he knows ,you will be there for
him.The occasions will become more and more frequent,as his consumption WILL increases.

Just sharing my 36 years of sobriety.

Normand/loong


Edited by loongdragon (02/09/13 02:27 PM)
_________________________
loong


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#805422 - 02/09/13 02:47 PM Re: Husband behaved badly [Re: SWK]
Lori - Marriage Offline
BellaOnline Editor
Koala

Registered: 11/26/09
Posts: 2686
Loc: Orange, CA USA
Hi loong. I understand what you are saying but SWK is not trying to control her husband's drinking. Whether or not she is concerned about alcoholism is another topic.

She asked about if she should apologize to their friends (in order to salvage their relationship, I assumed.) Her husband made a mistake that could possibly sever their social ties to these friends. It would be easier for her to fix it then for her husband to fix it. In a perfect world, not only would he not drink to excess but he would not have lost control and spewed out rude things. In a perfect world, he would do his own apologizing.

We do not live in a perfect world. I do not expect him to be perfect or even to grow unless he is ready to do so of his own accord. It is true, what you say, that covering for someone does not allow him to grow. I should be a better person and own up to the things that my husband will protect me from and vice versa! But sometimes, we're just not ready to grow and you know what happens when you force a butterfly to emerge too soon from its cocoon! And on the other hand, when things are benign and harmless, it's nice to know that your mate loves you enough to rescue you.

Apologizing for him is not enabling him to lose control again. This sounds like the first time for him. If it were habitual then yes I would stop apologizing for him and blame the alcohol and get him to dump the alcohol. But for now, it is actually bonding for a couple to stay on the same side, stick up for each other, cover for each other, whatever it may be. Then, if alcohol really is a problem, they can face it together instead of saying, "I am not enabling you" which only implies that he is on his own.

Oh, and to SWK, I would consider hosting the next get-together--pronto! And be sure the conversation is kept light and fun.
_________________________
Lori Phillips
Marriage editor

BellaOnline.com Marriage
Twitter: @BellaMarriage

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Bellaonline.com Dreams site
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Twitter: @tweetdreams4u
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#805425 - 02/09/13 02:55 PM Re: Husband behaved badly [Re: SWK]
Lori - Marriage Offline
BellaOnline Editor
Koala

Registered: 11/26/09
Posts: 2686
Loc: Orange, CA USA
BTW, congratulations loong on so many years of sobriety! That is a testament to your strength!
_________________________
Lori Phillips
Marriage editor

BellaOnline.com Marriage
Twitter: @BellaMarriage

Dreams editor
Bellaonline.com Dreams site
The Dream Collective
Dreams: What are you trying to tell yourself?
Twitter: @tweetdreams4u
and @flutterby03

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#805427 - 02/09/13 02:58 PM Re: Husband behaved badly [Re: SWK]
loongdragon Offline
Koala

Registered: 09/21/12
Posts: 2200
Loc: Mont Tremblant,quebec Can
Dear Lori.

Better be warned than sorry.

Loong
_________________________
loong


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#805428 - 02/09/13 03:03 PM Re: Husband behaved badly [Re: SWK]
loongdragon Offline
Koala

Registered: 09/21/12
Posts: 2200
Loc: Mont Tremblant,quebec Can
Dear Lori .

I did tell what to do in such cases.Please reread my post and you will read that I said not to cover for someone who overdrinks.

With Respect
loong
_________________________
loong


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#805758 - 02/12/13 06:04 PM Re: Husband behaved badly [Re: Lori - Marriage]
Elleise - Clairvoyance Offline
BellaOnline Editor
Zebra

Registered: 04/13/05
Posts: 3944
Loc: IL
Originally Posted By: Lori - Marriage
We do not live in a perfect world. I do not expect him to be perfect or even to grow unless he is ready to do so of his own accord.


That's probably the "Deep Sea Scroll" answer to just about everything.

Growth can't be forced. Misery/Happiness, we take responsibility for our own "vessel" Soul in the end.

As such, sometimes people need to retreat, in order to go forward.

They might try to do it in a positive way or negative.

Externals or family, people, can play a part (meaning interaction) but only as far as a person's perception might allow.

SoOOooo, a human force exerting (sp) on to a person, a more advanced perception than they're ready?

It's usually one of those things that can cause a bit more friction than good, BUT, you have to take care of yourself as well in the meantime.

That can be hard to do when you care for someone. confused
_________________________
Karen Elleise
Clairvoyance Editor
Clairvoyance Site

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#806343 - 02/16/13 02:43 AM Re: Husband behaved badly [Re: SWK]
SWK Offline
Jellyfish

Registered: 02/06/08
Posts: 102
Lori-I took your advice and talked with the hostess of the party. She just laughed and said, "He just has strong opinions about that topic!" Basically, I was more worried than I needed to be. It was not a big deal to her. (Yay!)

And Loong, I do appreciate and understand the concern! I think the evening (overdoing it) was so out of character, which is why I was worried about the effect on our social life. Of course, my husband does get loud and defensive whenever he discusses politics. That's a whole other issue!

And Karen Elleise, I appreciate your insights into a relationship. You're right; trying to force someone else to change has never worked for me, and in the past, it typically backfired. I went into this relationship knowing I'd accept him exactly as he was, and vice versa. As a result, he and I have both changed ourselves a lot, but that's mostly due to aging, maturing, and learning to trust each other.
_________________________
SWK

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