logo

Channel List
Beauty & Self
Books & Music
Career
Computers
Education
Family
Food & Wine
Health & Fitness
Hobbies & Crafts
Home & Garden
Money
News & Politics
Relationships
Religion & Spirituality
Sports
Travel & Culture
TV & Movies
Safety
We take forum safety very seriously here at BellaOnline. Please be sure to read through our Forum Guidelines. Let us know if you have any questions or comments!
Newest Members
Camaur Crampton Family La, David Faulkner, shravani, pinoyako, Audrie
58364 Registered Users
Forum Statistics
Forums417
Topics119,380
Posts847,301
Members58,364
Most Online449
Mar 28th, 2018
Top Posters(30 Days)
Angie 19
Sponsor
Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
Page 1 of 2 1 2
#805365 - 02/09/13 12:42 PM Husband behaved badly  
Joined: Feb 2008
Posts: 102
SWK Offline
Jellyfish
SWK  Offline
Jellyfish

Joined: Feb 2008
Posts: 102
Hi,

Last night, we were invited to a friend's house for drinks and dinner, along with four other couples. We've been friends with this group of people for about ten years and usually socialize with them once or twice a month. Although they have very different political views than my husband has, we all manage to get along . . . usually.

After having a couple of beers too many, my husband overheard my friends discussing their views on gun control. He immediately jumped in and began arguing with them about their ideas, escalating to the point where he was on a rant--talking loudly, interrupting, not allowing them to respond, etc. I left with him shortly thereafter. (I was drinking Ginger Ale . . .)

I personally don't agree 100% with either my friends' views or my husband's views, but that's not my concern. It's that he went overboard pushing his views on them--in an extremely rude and disrespectful way, in my opinion. Last night, I told him that although he has good points, no one would hear them if he just yells and makes everyone defensive. He said, "I'll never change them, anyway. I don't care what they think. As long as you're not mad . . ."

He is acting a bit peevish this morning, but I'd be surprised if he admitted that he did anything wrong.

I am embarrassed, even though I know that he is not me--in other words, he made his choices and is responsible for his own actions. So I don't really know why I'm the one who feels embarrassed. And I feel like I should apologize to the couple who invited us--even if it's just to apologize for not taking my husband home earlier.

Has anyone else been in a similar situation? Should I apologize, not for his behavior, but for my lack of predicting his overreaction?

Or should I just leave it alone?


SWK
#805369 - 02/09/13 01:09 PM Re: Husband behaved badly [Re: SWK]  
Joined: Nov 2009
Posts: 2,691
Lori - Marriage Offline
BellaOnline Editor
Lori - Marriage  Offline
BellaOnline Editor
Koala

Joined: Nov 2009
Posts: 2,691
Orange, CA USA
Hi, SWK. Yikes. Many of us can identify with your situation. Not uncommon but uncomfortable nonetheless!

The good news is that these friends have known you both for a long time. They should be mature enough to understand that everyone can get a little overheated when voicing personal opinions, especially when intoxicated.

You were so right in how you dealt with your husband (telling him that although he has good point, no one would hear them if he just yells and makes everyone defensive.) He was right in saying he'll never change them.

Many men will never admit defeat--at least publicly. No need to force this upon him.

If I were you (and I have been in your situation before), I would call to apologize to the couple. I feel that it is my way of looking out for my husband and our social relationships. He might not have the courage or integrity or humility to do it himself and, as his wife, I'd cover him. He would do the same for me in other situations in which I am weak.

In my marriage, we have an agreement: "Okay, I'll take this one for you." "Ok, I'll jump under the bus for you." This means that when one of us makes a mistake or can't face up to something, the other has his back. For example, my husband went on a rant about beer and anyone who drinks one particular brand must be a hillbilly with no taste. Of course, that offended the ones who drink this beer. On another occasion, he proclaimed the worst birthday present is a pair of socks, just as he was opening up his gift from my aunt which was a pair of socks. I apologized for him on both occasions. On the other hand, when I really can't face up to not attending an event, my husband will take the blame for me to avoid social backlash. Once, I felt humiliated because the main dish for guests didn't turn out. Instead of ridiculing me in front of company, my darling husband took the heat and said he tried his hand at cooking and it didn't turn out. Is this dishonest? Yes, I suppose it is. But it's a way we protect each other.

If I were you, I'd say something like, "I wanted to call to apologize for last night. The situation got out of hand and I'm sorry if anyone was offended. Everyone has his own opinions and my husband just feels strongly about this issue. We both value your friendship and would hate if it too many beers would ruin it."

And, your friend is still chilly or tense, try to use humor: "Tell you what, if this subject comes up again, I'll shoot him myself!" haha.


Lori Phillips
Marriage editor

BellaOnline.com Marriage
Twitter: @BellaMarriage

Dreams editor
Bellaonline.com Dreams site
The Dream Collective
Dreams: What are you trying to tell yourself?
Twitter: @tweetdreams4u
and @flutterby03
#805413 - 02/09/13 06:20 PM Re: Husband behaved badly [Re: SWK]  
Joined: Feb 2008
Posts: 102
SWK Offline
Jellyfish
SWK  Offline
Jellyfish

Joined: Feb 2008
Posts: 102
Thanks for the awesome advice, Lori! I love how you worded the apology, and I also like the "shoot 'im" reference!

I guess this is one of those times when marriage really does mean covering each other for better or for "worse." You'd think I'd realize that after being with him for twelve years. smile


SWK
#805420 - 02/09/13 07:22 PM Re: Husband behaved badly [Re: SWK]  
Joined: Sep 2012
Posts: 2,200
loongdragon Offline
Koala
loongdragon  Offline
Koala

Joined: Sep 2012
Posts: 2,200
Mont Tremblant,quebec Can
To all or none

I am a rehabilitated alcoholic ,36 years sober.My view is different from yours.If someone drinks to a point to where he
cannot control himself ,this person should not drink.The first signs of Alcoholism ,is loosing control of one's emotions.

I understand a wife wanting to cover for the couple,but you ladies did nothing wrong.It's the person that drank.The more you will cover for him ,the more space it gives him to drink.Maybe he subcosciously knows that,and he knows ,you will be there for
him.The occasions will become more and more frequent,as his consumption WILL increases.

Just sharing my 36 years of sobriety.

Normand/loong

Last edited by loongdragon; 02/09/13 07:27 PM.

loong

#805422 - 02/09/13 07:47 PM Re: Husband behaved badly [Re: SWK]  
Joined: Nov 2009
Posts: 2,691
Lori - Marriage Offline
BellaOnline Editor
Lori - Marriage  Offline
BellaOnline Editor
Koala

Joined: Nov 2009
Posts: 2,691
Orange, CA USA
Hi loong. I understand what you are saying but SWK is not trying to control her husband's drinking. Whether or not she is concerned about alcoholism is another topic.

She asked about if she should apologize to their friends (in order to salvage their relationship, I assumed.) Her husband made a mistake that could possibly sever their social ties to these friends. It would be easier for her to fix it then for her husband to fix it. In a perfect world, not only would he not drink to excess but he would not have lost control and spewed out rude things. In a perfect world, he would do his own apologizing.

We do not live in a perfect world. I do not expect him to be perfect or even to grow unless he is ready to do so of his own accord. It is true, what you say, that covering for someone does not allow him to grow. I should be a better person and own up to the things that my husband will protect me from and vice versa! But sometimes, we're just not ready to grow and you know what happens when you force a butterfly to emerge too soon from its cocoon! And on the other hand, when things are benign and harmless, it's nice to know that your mate loves you enough to rescue you.

Apologizing for him is not enabling him to lose control again. This sounds like the first time for him. If it were habitual then yes I would stop apologizing for him and blame the alcohol and get him to dump the alcohol. But for now, it is actually bonding for a couple to stay on the same side, stick up for each other, cover for each other, whatever it may be. Then, if alcohol really is a problem, they can face it together instead of saying, "I am not enabling you" which only implies that he is on his own.

Oh, and to SWK, I would consider hosting the next get-together--pronto! And be sure the conversation is kept light and fun.


Lori Phillips
Marriage editor

BellaOnline.com Marriage
Twitter: @BellaMarriage

Dreams editor
Bellaonline.com Dreams site
The Dream Collective
Dreams: What are you trying to tell yourself?
Twitter: @tweetdreams4u
and @flutterby03
#805425 - 02/09/13 07:55 PM Re: Husband behaved badly [Re: SWK]  
Joined: Nov 2009
Posts: 2,691
Lori - Marriage Offline
BellaOnline Editor
Lori - Marriage  Offline
BellaOnline Editor
Koala

Joined: Nov 2009
Posts: 2,691
Orange, CA USA
BTW, congratulations loong on so many years of sobriety! That is a testament to your strength!


Lori Phillips
Marriage editor

BellaOnline.com Marriage
Twitter: @BellaMarriage

Dreams editor
Bellaonline.com Dreams site
The Dream Collective
Dreams: What are you trying to tell yourself?
Twitter: @tweetdreams4u
and @flutterby03
#805427 - 02/09/13 07:58 PM Re: Husband behaved badly [Re: SWK]  
Joined: Sep 2012
Posts: 2,200
loongdragon Offline
Koala
loongdragon  Offline
Koala

Joined: Sep 2012
Posts: 2,200
Mont Tremblant,quebec Can
Dear Lori.

Better be warned than sorry.

Loong


loong

#805428 - 02/09/13 08:03 PM Re: Husband behaved badly [Re: SWK]  
Joined: Sep 2012
Posts: 2,200
loongdragon Offline
Koala
loongdragon  Offline
Koala

Joined: Sep 2012
Posts: 2,200
Mont Tremblant,quebec Can
Dear Lori .

I did tell what to do in such cases.Please reread my post and you will read that I said not to cover for someone who overdrinks.

With Respect
loong


loong

#805758 - 02/12/13 11:04 PM Re: Husband behaved badly [Re: Lori - Marriage]  
Joined: Apr 2005
Posts: 4,024
Elleise - Clairvoyance Offline
BellaOnline Editor
Elleise - Clairvoyance  Offline
BellaOnline Editor
Elephant

Joined: Apr 2005
Posts: 4,024
TX
Originally Posted By: Lori - Marriage
We do not live in a perfect world. I do not expect him to be perfect or even to grow unless he is ready to do so of his own accord.


That's probably the "Deep Sea Scroll" answer to just about everything.

Growth can't be forced. Misery/Happiness, we take responsibility for our own "vessel" Soul in the end.

As such, sometimes people need to retreat, in order to go forward.

They might try to do it in a positive way or negative.

Externals or family, people, can play a part (meaning interaction) but only as far as a person's perception might allow.

SoOOooo, a human force exerting (sp) on to a person, a more advanced perception than they're ready?

It's usually one of those things that can cause a bit more friction than good, BUT, you have to take care of yourself as well in the meantime.

That can be hard to do when you care for someone. confused


Karen Elleise
Clairvoyance Editor
Clairvoyance Site
#806343 - 02/16/13 07:43 AM Re: Husband behaved badly [Re: SWK]  
Joined: Feb 2008
Posts: 102
SWK Offline
Jellyfish
SWK  Offline
Jellyfish

Joined: Feb 2008
Posts: 102
Lori-I took your advice and talked with the hostess of the party. She just laughed and said, "He just has strong opinions about that topic!" Basically, I was more worried than I needed to be. It was not a big deal to her. (Yay!)

And Loong, I do appreciate and understand the concern! I think the evening (overdoing it) was so out of character, which is why I was worried about the effect on our social life. Of course, my husband does get loud and defensive whenever he discusses politics. That's a whole other issue!

And Karen Elleise, I appreciate your insights into a relationship. You're right; trying to force someone else to change has never worked for me, and in the past, it typically backfired. I went into this relationship knowing I'd accept him exactly as he was, and vice versa. As a result, he and I have both changed ourselves a lot, but that's mostly due to aging, maturing, and learning to trust each other.


SWK
Page 1 of 2 1 2

Brand New Posts
Who do You Believe ?
by Lynne - ChristianLiving. Christian Living
04/23/18 08:45 PM
Good for a laugh
by Mona - Astronomy. Astronomy
04/23/18 08:17 PM
April is Global Astronomy Month
by Mona - Astronomy. Astronomy
04/23/18 08:09 PM
Slacks
by Nancy Roussy. Women's Fashion
04/23/18 06:32 PM
Yoga Rising Review
by Korie - Folklore//Knitting/Yoga Editor. Yoga
04/23/18 05:20 PM
I Can't Get Gauge!
by Korie - Folklore//Knitting/Yoga Editor. Knitting
04/23/18 05:09 PM
What are you looking forward to today?
by Nancy Roussy. Self Development
04/23/18 01:56 PM
Where are you and how is the weather?
by Nancy Roussy. Inspiration
04/23/18 01:55 PM
What will you do today?
by Nancy Roussy. Inspiration
04/23/18 01:52 PM
What's your Typical Daily Menu?
by Nancy Roussy. Low Carb
04/23/18 01:41 PM
Register to Post!
Want to post? For security reasons you need to Register as a Forum Member. It's quick, easy and free!
Forum Activities
Book Clubs
Trivia Contests
Who's Online Now
0 registered members (), 114 guests, and 2 spiders.
Key: Admin, Global Mod, Mod
Sponsor


| About BellaOnline | Privacy Policy | Advertising | Become an Editor |
Website copyright © 2018 Minerva WebWorks LLC. All rights reserved.


Powered by UBB.threads™ PHP Forum Software 7.6.0
Page Time: 1.120s Queries: 15 (0.028s) Memory: 2.0631 MB (Peak: 2.1861 MB) Zlib disabled. Server Time: 2018-04-24 09:05:16 UTC