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#794253 - 11/26/12 11:17 PM unsure if its abuse  
Joined: Nov 2012
Posts: 1
nic16 Offline
nic16  Offline

Joined: Nov 2012
Posts: 1
I am really just wanting to find out thoughts on my situation. My husband and I have been together 11 years married for 5 years. We have a 2 year old son. My husband works away (overseas) 2 months away 1 month home. Over the years i have noticed my husband get angry over little things but get over them quickly (anger generally directed at me) The last couple of times he has been home this anger is escalating. He is now calling me names from stupid B#@ch to C@#t pretty much any name you can think of he has called me. and this last time it was also directed at my son. This last time he blew up over my son opening and closing the window and expected me to discipline him to stop him from doing it when I said to simply lock the window as that stops him he completely lost it punching the steering wheel and locking the windows shut no air-conditioning on a 32 degree day and my son was coping all the sun in the back seat he was sweating and crying I finally got upset and he allowed me to turn the air-conditioning on. Later we went to a family party and I thought everything was ok however he decided to tell me under his breath that I was fat and don't suit having a double chin, spare tyre or big boobs. he said this after I said to someone that my husband was getting better looking as he aged. I am a teacher and I have worked full time before my son was born and from 9 months old till he was 2 years I worked full time only stopping when we moved interstate I am now working casual 2 sometimes 3 days a week (which I like as I get to spend time with my son rather than having someone else bring him up) My husband gives me a lot of grief over this and says that i'm just an idiot and dumb and no one would want me to work for them anyway, I don't know why he says this but I do know that it hurts. He also says continually to me that I just sit on my fat arse all day and watch television, he doesn't understand the concept of looking after a 2 year old and the fact that that simply cannot happen. I could go on all day with things that he says and does like I could be having a conversation with someone and he will purposely make me look like an idiot by staring at me like iv said something stupid or just simply saying that i haven't told it correctly and no one understands me. I dont know if this is all normal, I know that my parents had their fights when I was young but I do not remember my dad trying to purposefully make my mum feel bad or hurt her feelings. And my husbands parents seem content and happy with each other although I don't see if they fight etc. Now that my husband has started punching things like furniture I guess i'm worried that one day it may be me or my son, but Im still not 100% sure if this is abuse and that it could escalate to that I think I just want some opinions. Im still not sure if i'm doing something wrong as well or if it is just me??

#794883 - 12/02/12 04:41 AM Re: unsure if its abuse [Re: nic16]  
Joined: Jul 2012
Posts: 1,963
Lori-Dreams Offline
BellaOnline Editor
Lori-Dreams  Offline
BellaOnline Editor

Joined: Jul 2012
Posts: 1,963
Yes, this is abuse. Verbal, emotional and psychological abuse. Could it worsen and turn into physical abuse? Yes. Because his behavior is already escalating, such as starting to punch furniture.

Even if it wasn't, it is maltreatment. Why would you stay with a man who treated you like this?

Sometimes the verbal abuse can be just as bad as physical abuse. It will negatively affect how your son sees himself, men, father figures and women. There are scars that may be invisible to the eye but deeply etched upon the heart and mind. I've seen once capable and strong women turn into mentally unstable and pitiful doormats due to the constant whittling away at their esteem from bad men.

This man is mean-spirited.

If you love your son, if you value yourself in any way, if you believe you are a good mother, you have to make plans to get out. I suppose that counseling for him and for both of you *could* be a first step, but if it were me, I'd take my son and create a healthy, safe and peaceful home first. If my husband wanted to work towards reconciliation and if there was love there still, I would attend marriage counseling while living apart until he proved he was serious about making changes. Maybe he is experiencing some emotional problem that is causing him to lash out in mean ways. Maybe he can be taught that words wound. I don't know.

I'm too insecure a woman to put up with that. If I thought for a minute that my husband honestly meant those words, I would free him from having to be married to someone he doesn't like.

But I would never tolerate even the possibility of mistreatment of my son.

Lori Phillips
Dreams editor

Bellaonline.com Dreams site
The Dream Collective
Dreams: What are you trying to tell yourself?
Twitter: @tweetdreams4u
and @flutterby03

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Bellaonline Marriage site
Twitter: @BellaMarriage
#800317 - 01/12/13 03:16 PM Re: unsure if its abuse [Re: nic16]  
Joined: Jan 2013
Posts: 3
DownUnderGirl Offline
DownUnderGirl  Offline

Joined: Jan 2013
Posts: 3
Nic16 yes it is abuse. It can be really easy to doubt yourself and question whether it is abuse when it's not physical, but it is. I remember the first time someone used the term family violence in regards to my relationship I was really shocked. It took my another 12 months to really get my head around it and end the relationship, or rather have him removed from the house by the police. Actually it took him throwing our then-2 year old son into his car seat with such force that our son made a noise that I hadnt heard before nor since. I would try and keep the piece around our son as much as possible so he wouldn't hear what my ex would say to me. But after the car incident I thought I need to protect my son's safety, AND that I can't hide his fathers behaviour from him forever. I also was concerned that my son would learn to treat women the same way, ad I wanted a better role model for him. Read, research, talk to people and remember even if you do "something wrong" it doesn't make being treated this way ok....ever.

#810776 - 03/11/13 07:19 PM Re: unsure if its abuse [Re: nic16]  
Joined: Mar 2013
Posts: 8
Addictedtoanaddict Offline
Addictedtoanaddict  Offline

Joined: Mar 2013
Posts: 8
YES!!!YES!!!!YES!!! I live this life. If you feel unsafe and like he is out of control, it is abuse. He is scaring you. Also, the name calling is a way to make u feel lower than him and control u. Its "crazy making" mind games. I now how u feel, the names get worse,your stuff gets broken, then he starts throwing those things at you....next is holding you...hitting..etc. To me the mind games and the inabililty to understand or not caring to understand hurts the most. I can NOT understand why someone who "cares" about me, would hurt me the most?

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