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#796251 - 12/16/12 01:01 AM It's Finally Over
WishingStar Offline

Registered: 09/07/11
Posts: 32
Loc: Seattle
First of all I want to thank all of the women and men who post on this forum. You have all been and continue to be a source of strength for me through all the abuse, and going forward, the recovery. Those of us who have been or are in abusive relationships know it is a life of secrecy, a life of lies in which no one truly knows the hell you live through on a daily basis. But on this forum, I found you all. A community of people who never judged me. A place where I could express my feelings and experiences honestly and get responses of support from people who have been there (and some who have not, but who were just as supportive) and understand the complex nature of abuse. I wanted to let you all know I am free and safe now. Let me share with you how it finally happened... He had a bad day at work. He told me he felt like he was gonna do something crazy. He started drinking, may have been using, not sure. I was on the phone with my mom when he arrived home. He grabbed my phone out of my hand and threw it on the kitchen floor. I snapped. Called him names and gave him a swift kick in the *ss. That was when he snapped. All I remember is being curled up in a ball on the floor with him above me stomping my head repeatedly. Over and over again he stomped. I begged for him to stop, asked him why he was doing this to me. But that only angered him more. He pulled out his gun. He fired 3 shots. One went through the window. The second hit me in my arm, the third, grazed my leg. For 2 hours I bled and begged for help. Asking him to call me an ambulance him refusing everytime i asked. He allowed me to talk to his mother. I described the situation to her. She was more concerned that he might go to jail, than whether I lived or died. She didn't help. By the grace of God the police showed up a couple hours after the shooting. My dear mom, who was one the phone he threw it called the police after she heard the commotion. While they knocked, I prayed that they would enter. Because of course I was in the bedroom being instructed not to say a word. My prayers were answered. They came in, arrested him on the spot and called me an ambulance. In the ambulance I stopped breathing and had to be intebated. He almost killed me. He will be going to prison for a very long time, this is his third strike. Finally I am free. It took me practically losing my life to get out, but now I am free. I will never have to listen to him calling me a stupid slut for hours on end again. I will never come home to accusations of lying to him and cheating on him again. I will never be strangled again. I will never be slapped, thrown, raped or beat in the head again. I will never be demeaned, degraded or left to die again. I am a survivor. My life belongs to me now. My money belongs to me now. My time belongs to me now. Now I can create my future. A future filled with love for myself, a future where I come first.... Thank you for listening. Sincerely, WishingStar

#796257 - 12/16/12 10:06 AM Re: It's Finally Over [Re: WishingStar]
bruisednotbroken Offline

Registered: 06/25/12
Posts: 21
HOLY SH*T girl!!!!! i have chills all over my body after reading that... it sounded soooo familiar to my own experience, i can't even... WOW. ok. breathe... breathe.... ok, now not to rain on your parade because this is indeed a time to celebrate but (from experience) the elation only lasts for a few days and then reality sets in. suddenly you realize, he really IS gone and it is up to you to keep him away. this is when your mind might play tricks on you, you'll go through several scenarios in your head... you'll try to make what's happened better, you'll feel obligated to your abuser, you'll miss him, you'll start to ponder "what ifs"... DO NOT fall into this mindf*ck. stay around people who support you and hate him. surround yourself with other survivors and stay right in your head for the next step in your journey because it is a big one... you'll most likely have to file charges. that's right YOU. his fate is in your hands and with that comes a lot of guilt and fear and sorrow and power. i'd suggest you get VERY involved in this and go through the process of attending his court dates to make certain he doesn't plea bargain down (with his court appointed lawyer) for anything less than 5 years (or whatever your state's felony minimum time is for assault with a deadly weapon, intent to kill etc) you need to learn the laws now. get yourself a DV advocate who can explain all the charges to you and help you follow his case. keep us all posted here, what he's been charged with and when the dates are, its important to have support around you through this process because we ( i know i did) have absolute ruinous moments of weakness and it is at those moments we drop charges or accept plea bargains etc. (which i thankfully didn't.) hugs to you... xo

#796289 - 12/16/12 02:22 PM Re: It's Finally Over [Re: WishingStar]
WishingStar Offline

Registered: 09/07/11
Posts: 32
Loc: Seattle
Thanks for the hugs and support BruisedNotBroken. You are so right. It will have been a month tomorrow, and I have been going through crazy emotions. I feel guilty for talking to the police. I am concerned about his well-being and his state of mind, worried about him being in jail for Christmas. Worried about what his family thinks. I miss him (the loving version of him). I am going through major withdrawls. There is a no contact order in place though he did try to call me collect from jail saying 'I love you' on the recording. I want to talk to him, see him... but I know I can't. He will try to get in my head and get me not to testify. I feel weak for needing something like this to wake me up and keep me away from him. I feel stupid. And I still can't stop loving him!! He was charged with Assault in the first degree and unlawful posession of a firearm. In our state a third strike is an automatic life sentence. Which means he will most likely end up serving between 10 to 15 years. I feel horrible at times but I keep reminding myself that he is very dangerous and will hurt or kill another woman or me again. You're right. It really is a mindf*ck...

#796299 - 12/16/12 04:38 PM Re: It's Finally Over [Re: WishingStar]
bruisednotbroken Offline

Registered: 06/25/12
Posts: 21
so wait, he already has 2 strikes? because here in the state of California, we have the same law but i don't think you can get all 3 strikes on one case. can you clarify for me? is he already a felon who has been in the prison system like mine was? my abuser already had 2 strikes for nearly beating to death two previous women before me (in two separate cases). then i came alone and he nearly killed me too... a bunch of charges were filed against him including a felony that held a strike. but he plea bargoned it down to a felony (with no strike) because our prison system is so overcrowded. so yeah, he's out now. so trust me when i say, they NEVER give the max in DV cases. so you really need to stay on top on it.

#796324 - 12/16/12 08:46 PM Re: It's Finally Over [Re: WishingStar]
WishingStar Offline

Registered: 09/07/11
Posts: 32
Loc: Seattle
Yes, he is like your abuser. Two previous felonies, one of which was for nearly killing another woman, the other non-dv related. God I can't believe they let your abuser take a plea after a third extremely violent offense against women. That is f*cking insane! The legal system is so sick... Do you live in the same city as him? I think I would be too scared to live anywhere near my abuser if he were to get out. That is so frightening to think he could get out and do it to yet anothet woman...

#796332 - 12/16/12 11:47 PM Re: It's Finally Over [Re: WishingStar]
bruisednotbroken Offline

Registered: 06/25/12
Posts: 21
he won't come near me. i have a judged ordered 10 year stay away and i bought myself a gun. if he even thinks about stalking me, i have a licence to kill, literally. f*ck that guy.

#798591 - 01/01/13 12:50 PM Re: It's Finally Over [Re: WishingStar]
Shaina Offline

Registered: 01/01/13
Posts: 1
So now that it's finally over, I really just want express and see what I went through, there's no one to truly help me, and I've been begging Well I'll start by saying my name is Shaina if you knew me 2 years ago you'd say I was happy, really silly, full of love and really caring. If you met me now you'd think I was miserable I have absolutely no love left to give and Im always so serious. Hello my name is Shaina and I've become a ghost. Two years ago, I remember like it was yesterday, I remember looking over and seeing this well kept handsome blue eyed man the face of a baby and the best sense of humor ever I remember he was always surrounded by friends and that I just had to have him. Back than I was strong and enjoying my life, I say back then and you're probably thinking 2 years not that long ago right? But it took 20 years to become who I am and just 2 years to completely change everything. Brian, blue eyes, was great, in the beginning, we went to the movies and he'd take me to dinner he bring over movies and always surprised me with candy we had the same tacky but very intelligent sense of humor but something kept him from wanting to make anything of it he'd constantly, at the most awkward times, remind me that quote "it is what it is" and it was very confusing for me because we were spending time together I mean clearly there was something there right? Well me being freshly 20 years old wanted so bad to catch this 29 year old "hottie" so I began to try weekly to change everything about myself to fit into what he wanted, crazy I get it, it went on this way for months, like a game. Time went on and I guess things just naturally grew, perfect? I thought so. Around 3 months in one night he came a drinking and I was his bartender, the beginning of the "you caused it's", well needless to say a few long islands in I was a bit worried for his safety I decided to take his keys, I lived upstairs, and told him to just hang out and than head to my place to sleep it off. At this point I can't recall ever seeing him angry or even arguing with him and I had so many feelings for him and hoped things would pursue. Well he wasn't happy about me taking his keys and for the first time I saw him angry, no, completely out of his mind infuriated! He called me names and embarrassed me in front of everybody, now I wouldn't be surprised, you could imagine the state of shock I was in, it was rage something really scary. Well I gave him back his keys and at the end of the night I was ready to go home and just blame that one on the alcohol, turns out that he wasn't over it. I take a deep breath when I type this, for some reason this to me was the worst but it might be that it was the beginning of the end. Brian followed me up to my apartment....he than ripped off my clothing while shouting "where are you going to go now", see the details of this are so clear because I was never put in a situation so, at the time, intriguing,i didn't think people acted that way, I can just remember the shock as he began to, at this point I would've said put his hands on me, he completely trashed MY house and to be honest all of that was fine but he didn't stop there, Brian ruined me and maybe not on this night but he took away something from me because I remember how it felt, he raped me. Brian made a bad decision, and I didn't love him yet, I felt guilty because it felt good so the next day when he casually got up got dressed and left my house where I live I stood there so confused this guy is a union electrician this guy has so many friends this guy is so funny what the hell just happened well I never talked to him again, it would be nice if that's where this, maybe my story, although it doesn't define my life, ends. A few months later I found somebody just a friend but somebody human pushed whatever that was out of my mind. Matthew, oh man. He treated me so good, we just laughed all the time and we'd stay up all night playing cards. One day Matthew went away, he definitely wasn't a law abiding person but a very very nice man, I was fine like I said we were just friends and I forgot to mention I was new to the area and apparently you have to pick a click,strange place. Brian came poking around again, almost as if he knew what was going on, I had nearly forgotten about him, so of course that charm and my forgiving nature I put it in the past and decided I give it a go, we never talked about it he never did apologize and truthfully I never did let it go. Well time stood still around this time, I'm not sure if I chose to block it out or if things were good I can however remember things that happened in no specific order, there was a time he took a car key and started shoving it in my [censored] because I wouldn't allow him to go through my phone, I remember the first time I hit him, boy it felt good for a split second, he kicked me so hard in my head that I saw white when I told him his response was and nonchalant quote "that's your brain hitting your skull you're fine", I can recall he got really comfortable forcing me to have sex and I remember I stopped fighting back. Ahh, when I type all of that I start to feel something an emotion I cannot describe I feel sad and really disappointed. I'm going to back up A few months, I don't want to make him seen like he's a monster because truly he isnt, I won't deny that I feel, just a feeling, that he has a plan, I call it the 12 step Brian bauder program to ruin someone's life, I'll definitely give it to the kid he's really really smart, Brian "taught" me his way of sex, to me sex was passion face to face chest to chest everything else was just dirty, well he would get really aggressive and I went along with it because we'll I was young dumb and really liked this guy he'd choke me and he'd slap me, to be honest I feel like he was planting a seed. Once this whole physical abuse started I just couldn't handle having sex like that and in his favor he stopped doing it. Around the time that I really noticed what I'd gotten myself into I started to talk about it because to me it was intriguing I guess you'd say, it was so weird, big mistake, because I was so vocal and apparently all battered women are hush hush, plus Brian was smart, he never left marks, I was a liar and I wanted attention. I will be honest, there's been times in my life were I've been dramatic sometimes I even felt stupid afterwards but this, this was different I was living in it. I noticed that I had nothing else to talk about except him I was truly obsessed with why, because to me I wasn't being abused, it was almost like I was being "punked" for lack of a better word. I lost a lot of friends around this time because I can honestly say I felt like a detective constantly asking people and prying but I gave my life up so I had nothing else to talk about so basically I became so self involved big mistake because now I'd never leave. As things got harder to deal with and he was truly winning every battle I'd had no friends I'd had no self respect and I definitely stopped giving a [censored] about everything but him, clever guy this is about the time that he pulls away. Well fine ill pull away too right? Well sure, than he pulls right back in. He has this plan, this way of making people so confused, girls, women, and he seriously has it down to a science. I remember the base of nearly every argument, and this is about a year in, it always had to do with his love, I dint mean to come off neady, I might be but I think I deserved it, I didn't even care that he was so emotionally abusive or physical with me just outweigh it with a hug, a kiss, an I love you....never. he never in two years told me he loved me! That I was pretty! Just hugged me because, another part of his Alfa male game that I fed into for what feels like eternity. Well I rebelled, hard! I went out looking for affection, why didn't I just leave, right?, well I wanted him to see that other people enjoy me I'm not the "gross" "low life"...etc that he says I am. The problem is is that I got affection from his friends, they truly felt so sorry for me, not my intention, the fact that they knew him for nearly his entire life made me feel comforted, you can take that either way if you want to play devils advocate, for so long he made me feel like the problem and they reminded me that they know him, he's the problem. Well at this point I am now the liar, attention seeking, slut oh definitely all backfired, with them was never about the sex it was so nice to feel wanted. You're reading this thinking we'll why did she stay right? Or wow what a wreck, I'm thinking the sane thing too, I can't tell you the number of times I got the "youre so much better than that" speech or the "move on" "get away from him" "leave" conversations, let me tell you I type this now but in that moment Brian bauder was everything, I'd played his hand he won. know I should've left I know I should've ran, far far away, but my response was always don't you think I know, I'm not a dumb girl, you can judge, I've never been through this before, ever! I truly wish he would've killed me at times because I wanted to leave omg I did, but he trained, still is, my brain to truly believe that I am a nobody and because he throws on Abercrombie clothes each day he's a somebody, he used to say that I'll be trailer trash, I always saw a white picket fence with Brian, shallow, but to be honest I'd rather be happy in my trailer than being treated like I'm nobody and he's the best. Now before I continue on, I don't want anyone to think he's a bad person, I allowed him to do this, and I try and keep it nonchalant because I just want to get this story out there off my chest and for people to just notice that it's real really real. I truly can't throw my emotions over the internet, and I can't show you videos or take you back to these days with me, I'm so alone, if you don't leave people give up on you, it's just a guy right? No no it was my life. It sucked me dry. I treated the people around me like complete garbage to try to give this person, male female friend, everything I had. It's sad but it happens and in the moment you have no control you become their robot, you're trained to hate everyone and everything, which makes you the miserable one, you are tossed and you are turned and you are pulled left and right, you become ruined, you fade into a shadow. Believe me I've been in relationships people I truly did care about but when something goes wrong I left. Like I said, I was strong and I didn't choose for this to happen there are people out there, not necessarily Brian, people that only want slave because they just love themselves too much to really feel that deep connection. I can tell you there were times scattered throughout this nightmare that I knew he really did love me, there was just too much we both held onto that we couldn't grow,and he didn't want me once I became something strange huh. With that being said, I found out I was pregnant in October, to be truly honest I was happy, I had a piece of someone I tried to shake the love out of, so I made the phone call, mind you I finally left to just be free I was getting so tired of being scared and paranoid, well he disappointed me again, this abnormal reaction first words "abortion" second "now" deep down I knew that'd be for the best, but I was doing so good and now I'm sucked back in, truthfully this is still so fresh, the hardest part was feeling like it happened for a reason, I mean I thought this guy has raped me over and over again and I never got pregnant, we made love that night, we were out camping we enjoyed each other and we made a baby. Well the threats started coming in, again my tone is a bit "over it" but truly everything about this story I have to share has completely changed my entire life, he threatened me with everything and it was nonstop,than hes drunk and he wants to hang out, when you picture him I don't want you to think he's trashy he's not or Atleast he doesn't perseve himself that way, well of course I run right to his house, I've missed him and I want to have this baby and fix all of these problems, impossible, he rubbed my stomach, I can remember how it felt, comforting, perfect, I swore time just stopped, was everything finally going to get better? Well thanksgiving eve comes and I really wanted to make sure he was safe so I drove, the night went great he put on the best act, which is the night I truly started to snap out of it all, "i don't even know him" "why does he act so fake around people" "he's really such a scumbag", things were great but drunk Brian is scary Brian, but I'll be a good stepford wife I'll be quiet, what a way to live, on the way out these girls are calling his name and of course I just snapped, you know Brian when are you ever going to just see what's standing right here, I've truly done all I can, I can say I stayed this long maybe because it was interesting but I'm not interested anymore, I knew it, immediately I just remember feeling the oh no, there's that feeling that weird scared feeling and I apologized I remember at this point in everything I spoke so soft and I literally just was a puddle, I was really sorry, even if I really ment it, it was too late, and in the car, Brian's favorite, another ride where my hairs being pulled and my face is being pushed against the glass, this time it was a lot of yelling, I thought oh thank god, I just agreed and nodded, I wanted it to stop, I remember thinking I'm so tired, I used to love to laugh, well we entered his house up the stairs, now I know, I'm thinking this is a horrible way to live, but I'm also thinking, finally Shaina, I can just remember as if it's replaying in my mind, Infact I can clearly remember every single time he hit me and I can remember every single time it happened I'd think, that's it, I'm done, he just shouted in my face, I am so tired of fighting back, he snapped, by this time in this whole thing I'm thinking just lay there, take it it'll all be over, if I fight it goes on for hours, but if I just lay there its opportunity for him to force me into sex, so first goes the hands around my neck, than he did it, and this is it, this is the moment, the moment I saw him as such a loser such a coward, he grabbed my stomach and the words that will ring in my ears, I want this thing out of you, kill it! And the voice that usually stays quiet to just end all of the nonsense my voice, I said I don't want to, his response, why? Mine, well, I love it already, and I truly did, he replied that's not a reason. Well I played there cried until morning after he ripped ny underwear made me go through another night like this, it wasn't that serious, I didn't deserve that! In the morning, thanksgiving, I woke up, and I felt what I felt that I haven't felt in awhile, really hurt by him this time, was it bad that I had become numb to all of this? These feelings of what are you doing are getting stronger, I ran down the stairs jumped in my car and sat there thinking this is so insane, why? Does this really happen? Do relationships even exist, omg I can't remember. Seven hours later I get a text message, meaningful, I'm sorry. Really are you? Like he spilledssomething on me or it was something small. I wondered if he everrreally looked at me? Noticed how stressed out I looked, I wondered why thinking back he could sometimes spit out I'm sorry but he never could admit what he did. Did he think this was normal? Was I starting to? Well time went by, we were definitely drifting, I felt it, I felt the change, after days of threats, he decided to give me an offer I couldn't refuse, get the abortion or we'll never be together again, if you read this far, you'd probably already guessed, I went in and through hours of crying and wanting to leave and text messages of persuasion I went and laid down by myself and killed, murder to me, my unborn 3 month old child. The physical and emotional heartbreak was far worse than being hit by a 180 pound man, I'd take one more kick to the head or cell phone to the face, this was it, I now resented him and not for flirting with a girl or nit "living me", let's face it he's heartless, I officially won't forgive him. My favorite part, which I actually wasn't going go mention, he decided he wanted to see me, at 10 o'clock at night, and "im not going to lie, I drank a little" honestly, I just sighed, because I was done saving him. He's not a little kid, he's a 31 year old man! He's not a loser either he drives a nice car he has a nice family. I felt really confused. Well I guess we can jump to Christmas eve, ah where I Shaina klotz finally found her "balls" I begged him, please may we spend the night together, I truly regretted it than, and days after but now, completely content, after hours of HIM arguing because again he knows I want to be with him, he can get away with calling me terrible names and I can't fight back, my tongue definitely hurt after the conversation, finally it let's up, be outside I'm honking the horn you don't come out I'm leaving!, well I'll take what I can get time! So things are starting off good, but you always get that feeling when's it going to flip, which is a sign to run, I'm driving with him and just thinking, man this guys dropped me off on the side of the road, he's left me stranded, he's traumatized me, he's made me give him my whole body, not to mention the years of therapy. Right now I'm going to stop and say, there is no actual way anyone can truly fathom the feeling you get in any situation, I can't describe the feeling and I really do talk about it nonchalant but right now I'm grieving, I was sad, really sad, now I'm [censored]. This guy who's just a regular guy nobody really that special, mastered a game, his game, a sick game. He is very smart, oh man, to think of how smart you have to be to just casually do this is insane, he took every bit of information I gave him, he remembered ALL of my weaknesses he completely twisted everything to make me hate people so he could have his puppet all to himself, and I think, it happened to me. I truly feel like the only difference is that I never gave up, sometimes I wanted to because I wanted to leave so bad but I couldn't, of course I could right? Oh I wish. I always kept myself intrigued and studying him, because it's so weird, why would you act like that? I respect you, I forgive you, I am there for you, what a waste. Well back to Christmas eve, I tend to get off topic, this truly is my first time going over nearly ever detail, so I'm just astonished, amazed, that's my life, wow, so we got back to his place and I just sat down and on instinct made him laugh, ha I remember we tickled each other, it was nice, but again so short lived, we laid down to go to sleep and I did what I always did when he fell asleep, smelled him, he hated it, I just smelled his smell, so unique, oh I always smelled him, I connected with it, everytime I'd smell him, sounds weird maybe, I'd breath in so deep and before I could open my mouth I just felt that I loved him, he's the first person in my life that I loved, and he knew it, he sucked it to the last drop, I just sat there watching tv, touching his arm, I always loved when he fell asleep, he was so nice, he looked so gentle, and I could put his arms around me, I could kiss him I sometimes could feel, or pretend to feel that he was dreaming about me, maybe he'd wake up and care about me, as a person, but everytime he would wake up, he was still Brian bauder, angry with me, bitter, maybe I did do a lot wrong, maybe it was me, I work night shift so I couldn't fall asleep, I love to write him posted notes silly ones, but I remember I accidentally knocked something over he woke up and the rage in his eyes made me want to hide, my initial reaction, I'm sorry, Shaina you did nothing wrong I thought, he just started yelling stop snooping through my room, you're a stalker, you're "creeping" I'd never seen him get like this, what the hell would I be looking for? What are you hiding? And right here, this is the moment, the adrenaline, the complete frustration with the waste of life, the disappointment that I let this happen to me, Shaina freaking klotz, I jumped on top of him, I just looked at my hands, for a split second because I was second guessing myself, I took my hands I wrapped them around his neck and I just choked him, but it didn't feel good, in fact it made me angry, but I couldn't stop I kept saying how does it feel? How do you like it? And than I grabbed his face like he grabs mine and I smushed it, I just kept repeating how does it feel? And he just sat there amazed, shocked, confused, I punched him in the chest I screamed and I yelled I love you! What is wrong with you! And than the adrenaline stopped, I was out of strength, in general, for everything. I just picked up my head and I can remember the feeling that I had, it was new, it was breathless, I looked at him and said something that I knew I should've said so long ago, "brian I want you to leave me" and he just ignored it, and kept saying it over and over, begging him to just leave me, but he wouldn't, victory! That's all I wanted to shout victory! He didn't have to say anything his answer was clear, why would anyone leave someone that loves them? Isn't that the whole point? So I left that day and I walked home, my car was in the shop, I thought oh man, I hate walking, it's been so long, and than, I smiled, I was happy, I'm walking home on Christmas day from Brian's at 6 in the morning and I'm happy. And I know it's not too much of an accomplishment, it's only been a few weeks, I'm writing this to remind myself and others some of what goes on. This isn't life, and a relationship didn't ruin me, a person came and slowly killed me. He didn't just hit me or just push me, he took the time to figure out how to completely change who I am. I'm so confused in my life that I can't see straight. But ya know what I couldn't be happier. For everyone that gave up on me, thank you, you never were my friend I would've been there for you, and I was, if you read this entire post than I truly feel thankful. Even if you skimmed it. This is real. This is happening to a lot of people, men. Women and children. I do not feel sorry for myself, I have but I don't. There are people crying out for help and so are the people ishing out the abuse. This is my side of the story, this is how my everyday life was for the last few years of my life because I met one wrong person. This is jail! This is evil! Ifyou know anyone that is being abused you need to be there friend. Youccan't tell thethem to leave, we leave when we're ready, but once you give up they never leave. Surround them with love and make them feel special. Every person is special. Even Brian.Ill definitely love him for a very long time until I can deal with the fact that it was never love, it was an. Obsession. Thank you again if you read this.

#798695 - 01/02/13 04:38 AM Re: It's Finally Over [Re: WishingStar]
bruisednotbroken Offline

Registered: 06/25/12
Posts: 21
shaina, i lost myself too. i used to be someone else entirely. a woman who was confident, laughed easily, took risks, took care in my appearance and smiled often. now, even after years of therapy (my abuse took place in the year 2009) i don't know who i am anymore. its a process. i won't lie. because of your abuse you will be forever changed. what i suggest for all of us who have lived the horrors of DV is that you get a support network (like us) as well as a therapist, DV advocate, group therapy... anything really where you can feel safe to heal and recover from your abusive love addiction. best of luck to you.


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