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#791118 - 11/05/12 02:08 AM Do I call him out on his cheating and lies?  
Joined: Sep 2011
Posts: 40
dinahlove Offline
dinahlove  Offline

Joined: Sep 2011
Posts: 40
Hello, I have not been on for awhile, and you will see why! I will try to be short but I have an awful lot in my head right now. Firstly, I should say we are broken up. Thiis is not about forgiving or staying with a cheater. The relationship is done. Here are the facts: We were together for almost four years. We had a great relationship, very loving and trusting until two months ago. I was fully in love with him and we both thought marriage was just around the corner. I spent the first three years supporting him emotionally so he could find his career path and be happy at work. He finally finished school to become a teacher. The only teaching job he was offered was in a city very far from where we lived. We drove to the city and checked it out. Neither of us liked it and we struggled to decide if he should take a job somewhere we did not like and far from all friends and family. I had a very bad feeling about it. We eventually decided we had to accept the job and the move would not be forever. I spent all of my money moving there. Things were fairly normal at first, then he began to distance himself from me. He worked stupidly long hours and stopped returning my call/texts. I grew suspicious. I gave him space but nothing improved. We finally had a talk in which he told me he thinks of our relationship had turned into more of a "brother and sister" relationship. He said we could go to counseling. A week passed while I tried to get in with a counseler. The next Friday he dumped me. He was not willing to go to counseling anymore just saying that his feelings changed and he doesnt know why. I asked him multiple times if there was someone else he had bonded with (I was suspicious of her from the get go) He denied it again and again. He acted very sad and sorry but said it could not be helped. I packed up and moved back in with my parents 10 hours away from him. Since I have been back, I have been in agony wondering what happened. I know it is wrong, but I got into his email account and found out that for weeks he has been having at least an emotional affair with his co-worker. Possibly physical too, but no absolute proof of that. Since I left town it seems they are together every day and they were meeting up before I left town. Here is my dillemma: Do I tell him that I know that he's a cheater and a liar? I know good advice would be to take the high road and move on because it is obviously over. But at this point, it makes me sick to think that is getting away with this and thinking that we can be friends still. It would mean admitting to him that I read his emails. I know he will hate me for it. But he is the one who lied to me over and over and cheated. I feel as though to ignore this and not tell him I know how horrible he has been will make me feel like a doormat. I think the anger is justified of course. I dont know if sending him a letter saying what I know will do anything for me: I dont want it to make mye feel worse, but at the same time I feel like dying knowing he is there laughing it up with some new girl and that things are all right between us. If I dont tell him what I know, how will I ever respect myself or be able to carry on a casual conversation with him in the future without blowing up? The scary thing is, Im afraid to do it because that would mean we could never reconcile. Its ridiculous, and my head knows I should never ever consider that. But my heart has not let go of what we had, so to know for a fact there is no going back would be difficult. But perhaps I need to know that to find closure??? Please let me know what you think. Right now I feel I must tell him I know he's a cheater. I am trying not to make any rash decisions though. Once it is said, I cannot un-say it.

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#791135 - 11/05/12 02:42 AM Re: Do I call him out on his cheating and lies? [Re: dinahlove]  
Joined: Sep 2012
Posts: 2,200
loongdragon Offline
loongdragon  Offline

Joined: Sep 2012
Posts: 2,200
Mont Tremblant,quebec Can
Dear Dinahlove,

I am a man.A woman's man.Found Buddhism and new ways of living
my manhood.What I regret when I read letters like yours ,is that woman really do not know how a man's head works.I am not an Editor,just a concerned human being trying to do good.

You wrote:But at this point, it makes me sick to think that is getting away with this and thinking that we can be friends still.

It's the oldest man's trick .If you remain friends ,when he's out of company.monsieur,in his mind will BE SURE,that he will be
able to bring you in bed.All seperated or divorced man think that.Why do you think guys have black books?For when their stuck.

It might sound tough ,but that is what men are.

I hope you take a good decision.The Editor of this section will surely give you better solutions that I did,but please,do not forget what I have told you.

With compassion



#791612 - 11/07/12 03:59 PM Re: Do I call him out on his cheating and lies? [Re: dinahlove]  
Joined: Jan 2010
Posts: 4,796
Debbie-SpiritualityEditor Offline
BellaOnline Editor
Debbie-SpiritualityEditor  Offline
BellaOnline Editor

Joined: Jan 2010
Posts: 4,796
Tough situation, dinahlove. It does sound to me from what you are saying that you need to express your feelings to your ex in order for you to gain closure and to move on. It does not necessarily mean that you will never reconcile again down the road, but for now he is not trustworthy anyway. I would not count on it happening, and you need to accept that he is moving on with someone else.

If you need to let him know that you are aware of his relationship with another woman, then do it. You really don't have to go into great detail. Just tell him you are aware of the other person in his life and you would have preferred honesty from him after all the years you spent together. Then tell him you are moving on, and don't talk with him again.

You are indeed still attached to him emotionally. Feelings don't go away overnight. You will need time to heal and to process what happened, so that in time you can open up your heart again to someone else who will love you enough to be honest and respectful.

Debbie Grejdus
Spirituality Site Editor
Spirituality Forum Moderator
#793887 - 11/22/12 05:39 PM Re: Do I call him out on his cheating and lies? [Re: dinahlove]  
Joined: Feb 2011
Posts: 146
thisiseasycash Offline
thisiseasycash  Offline

Joined: Feb 2011
Posts: 146
Don't speak to him or contact him again. It's over you know what happened. You have no reason to speak to him again. Don't argue with him there is no point. Delete/block his number and his email. If he tries to contact you don't answer the phone or read the emails. Silence will speak loud and clear. Cut all ties.

#794074 - 11/24/12 06:01 PM Re: Do I call him out on his cheating and lies? [Re: dinahlove]  
Joined: Sep 2010
Posts: 197
Gaynor8002 Offline
Gaynor8002  Offline

Joined: Sep 2010
Posts: 197
Rhodes Greece
I agree with the above comments. move on, forget about him, and find someone worthy of you.

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