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#793326 - 11/19/12 07:09 AM Re: Choosing a Partner [Re: Lisa LowCarb / VideoGames]
Lisa LowCarb / VideoGames Offline
BellaOnline Editor
Highest Posting Power Known to Humanity

Registered: 01/05/04
Posts: 20144
Dear Jilly -

Whatever happened in the past, today is a fresh start. Today is a new chance to move this in a direction that makes you content.

People definitely do change over time. You are going through the discovery process with him and it's better to know this "new him" now vs later. So it's good that you are evaluating him now and deciding what to do.

So, for now, for tonight, direct him to a hotel. Get a good night's sleep. Find your medicine.

In the morning, let him know you will meet him at the hotel lobby. If he tries to pressure you into something, say no. You are your own person and no matter what he wants or other people do you are you. You deserve to be the way you want to be. If he wants a woman who loves sexting, I'm sure they are out there. He should go sext with one of them. In the meantime, you deserve to have a day that brings you joy.

Give him 3-4 options of what to do in the day that *you* want to do and see which he chooses. He will not have the option of something that makes you uncomfortable. This is your home he's visiting. In your home, you set the rules.

He either chooses from one of those things, or he can go off and explore the area on his own. You have no obligation to change yourself for him. Either he takes you as you are, or he goes somewhere else.
_________________________
Lisa Shea, Low Carb / Video Games Editor
Low Carb Website
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#793327 - 11/19/12 07:14 AM Re: Choosing a Partner [Re: Lisa LowCarb / VideoGames]
Jilly Offline
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Highest Posting Power Known to Humanity

Registered: 02/27/03
Posts: 14286
Loc: Verde Valley, AZ
Thank you, Lisa, this is excellent advice. I've already told him he won't be coming here and he is okay with that. He is probably tired from traveling from the east coast anyway.

We will do something outdoors of my choosing tomorrow and I really hope I will be strong, and not a meek little mouse who wants to please so much she allows things she isn't comfortable with.

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#793328 - 11/19/12 07:16 AM Re: Choosing a Partner [Re: Lisa LowCarb / VideoGames]
Jilly Offline
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Loc: Verde Valley, AZ
He is here through friday.

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#793329 - 11/19/12 07:31 AM Re: Choosing a Partner [Re: Lisa LowCarb / VideoGames]
Lisa LowCarb / VideoGames Offline
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Registered: 01/05/04
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Dear Jilly -

This is *awesome* news. You are doing very well. You set a boundary and he responded without any problem, and tonight is all set. That is a great starting point!

So tomorrow, start fresh. Don't worry about the later days. Just focus on Monday. On Monday, you choose something that you are quite happy about. He is along for YOUR ride. He is a visitor into YOUR world. So show him your world and how you like to do things.

If he starts to encroach in any way, simply say "this is my world, I am showing you how I am." That's the point of the visit, I would think. For him to see how you are. So you owe it to him and to you to show him that authentically!

Be your authentic self. Show him your authentic self. Your task isn't to please him. It's to be yourself so he can learn about you.
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Lisa Shea, Low Carb / Video Games Editor
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#793436 - 11/19/12 06:07 PM Re: Choosing a Partner [Re: Lisa LowCarb / VideoGames]
Jilly Offline
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Registered: 02/27/03
Posts: 14286
Loc: Verde Valley, AZ
Ok, I just woke up. Need to find my meds, find something pretty to wear, and get over to Cottonwood. I am scared, but hoping my friend will still be my friend after all that pushy sex stuff over the phone.

I'm not sure this is a good way to find a partner, but he has always been there for me, as a friend, my whole life. We will see. I will bring some ativan just in case.

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#793470 - 11/19/12 09:26 PM Re: Choosing a Partner [Re: Lisa LowCarb / VideoGames]
Lisa LowCarb / VideoGames Offline
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Highest Posting Power Known to Humanity

Registered: 01/05/04
Posts: 20144
Dear Jilly -

Focus just on today, on doing an activity *you* want to do, and on showing him your authentic self. Whatever he wants or doesn't want, your task is to demonstrate to him as honestly as you can who you are.

If it helps, think of him as a lost, confused soul who has just gone through something traumatic and he's not coping well with it. He's full of testosterone. Maybe he hadn't had sex in a long while and he's craving it desperately, so his mind isn't working properly. He's like a chocoholic who hasn't had chocolate in years and who is now in a fantastic chocolate shop. His brain just isn't working properly quite yet. So you can be calm, and gentle, and firm, and let him know you're not a piece of chocolate smile.
_________________________
Lisa Shea, Low Carb / Video Games Editor
Low Carb Website
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#793511 - 11/20/12 04:19 AM Re: Choosing a Partner [Re: Lisa LowCarb / VideoGames]
Lori-Dreams Offline
BellaOnline Editor
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Registered: 07/27/12
Posts: 1963
Jilly, please call, text or email me. I have been trying to get a hold of you.


Edited by Lori-Dreams (11/20/12 07:15 AM)
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#793550 - 11/20/12 04:44 PM Re: Choosing a Partner [Re: Lisa LowCarb / VideoGames]
Lori-Dreams Offline
BellaOnline Editor
Chipmunk

Registered: 07/27/12
Posts: 1963
Editors, please visit the editors' forum for an update about Jilly.

_________________________
Lori Phillips
Dreams editor

Bellaonline.com Dreams site
The Dream Collective
Dreams: What are you trying to tell yourself?
Twitter: @tweetdreams4u
and @flutterby03

Marriage editor
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Twitter: @BellaMarriage

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#794067 - 11/24/12 03:46 PM Re: Choosing a Partner [Re: Lisa LowCarb / VideoGames]
S O B Offline
Newbie

Registered: 11/24/12
Posts: 9
I enjoyed your post. I personally feel that a partner would not need to put me above all else, a partnership is just that a mutual relationship. There are so many people in our lives that putting just one individual on top may not be realistic. Partnership is not only love but respect. I find that a unit that respects one another goes much farther than mere love alone.

EDIT: (new posters aren't allowed to use promotional URLs)


Edited by Lisa LowCarb / VideoGames (11/27/12 01:30 AM)

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#794263 - 11/27/12 01:32 AM Re: Choosing a Partner [Re: Lisa LowCarb / VideoGames]
Lisa LowCarb / VideoGames Offline
BellaOnline Editor
Highest Posting Power Known to Humanity

Registered: 01/05/04
Posts: 20144
SOB -

I imagine like much in life that it's a balancing act. If my boyfriend called me every day when I was out saying "come back home! I am lonely!" that it would wear on me. If I couldn't go out to see friends or family because he wanted me near him at all times, that would wear on me too.

On the other hand, if every time I wanted to do something he'd rather be with his friends playing cards and smoking cigars, I think that would wear on me as well.
_________________________
Lisa Shea, Low Carb / Video Games Editor
Low Carb Website
Low Carb Forum

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