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#793132 - 11/17/12 04:40 PM Scared and Stupid
Beautiful Tragedy Offline
Newbie

Registered: 11/17/12
Posts: 7
In the past few months I have made some really stupid mistakes. To start I left my husband because I could no longer take a lot of the issues we had. I was angry and hurt and believed I was doing the right thing. Not long after separating I met a guy too good to be true. I was hurting so much with guilt and sadness over my failed marriage and he was such a great support. When he started to stay over daily it became a no brainer to just let him stay even though things happened SOOOO quickly. We got along great. We clicked. I really loved him and for once in an extremely long time I felt happy. From time to time we would fight. He started getting snappy and it would hurt my feelings. at first every time this happened and I turned away he would gently turn me back and lift my chin to look into his eyes. He would apologize. He was so sweet. I Have some real issues with touch from childhood sexual abuse that i have repressed for so long. To have a man be able to touch me so softly, sweetly, but without me feeling broken or uncomfortable...I thought it was meant to be. Over time (Mind you we have been together 5 months as of now so this all happened very fast) He became snappy and mean more often. I never did anything fast enough. I never paid enough attention. I was too negative. Some days I'd have enough and instead of sulking that fire inside of me could not longer be contained. I would stand up for myself. The first time he touched me was about a month into the relationship. Up to this point i didn't even consider him emotionally abusive because he always seemed so sorry for hurting my feelings. I thought i was just being oversensitive. He got on me about something stupid and stood up for myself. He told me he should knock some sense into me. I was [censored]. I said "I dare you to try." See when i am threatened by a man i react aggressively. I posture. I feel like if i act unafraid the threatening behavior would end. However I do not hit. EVER. he smacked me in the stomach and I flipped. I told him to get his [censored] and get out. Left the room and slammed the door. He chased me into the livingroom pushed me onto the sofa and held me down. Slapped me in the face. Said he would only let me up when i shut up. I was in shock. My husband and I argued. He punched walls (No where near me) He grumbled under his breath...he NEVER EVER laid a hand on me. This man i trusted, i loved, I thought was gentle, hurt me. And i was in shock. Disbelief. Needless to say i forgave him. He said he blacked out. Didnt know what was going on when he came too. And i loved him. So i let it go. The emotional abuse continued with only one other incident where he pushed me. He started rough housing with me more. I played along. I dont know why. Mostly because doing what he wants makes him act nicer to me. Lately he has been texting and talking on the phone to other girls. We fought yesterday. He attacked me. Punching, holding me down. He hit me in the head so hard several times. I saw stars with each hit. I told him to get out. That Id call the cops. He held me down until I agreed not to make him leave until he found somewhere to go. I love him. I hate him. Mostly I hate me. I feel so alone and weak. I don't like to hurt people even when they hurt me so badly. I want to let him go. Honestly I miss my husband. I'm so stupid and im on here because i need someone, anyone, who understands. This is the first time ive ever laid it out like this. Also it is only mentioning the major incidents. Not the many many minor ones. I feel over dramatic. Like I should be able to handle this alone. But i can't do it.

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#793145 - 11/17/12 10:12 PM Re: Scared and Stupid [Re: Beautiful Tragedy]
Lori-Dreams Offline
BellaOnline Editor
Chipmunk

Registered: 07/27/12
Posts: 1963
There are women who cannot understand how you feel because it seems so clear, so black-and-white, that it is wrong to endure abuse. They do not understand the emotional and psychological weakness within the abused woman that clouds her ability to end the relationship with an abuser.

Looking from the outside in, anyone would say, "Get out. You're being stupid to stay." If you saw someone else in your same predicament, you would give the same advice.

Hurting the one you love is not allowed. It is not love. All the crying, repenting and apologizing does not make up for the abuse.

And you know it. That is why you feel self-loathing for not being able to exit. You hate your own weakness that makes you stay.

You love the gentleness he showed you, but it was the bait he used to reel you in. Abusers subconsciously seek out women who will endure being abused. Abused women frequently attract abusers. It is a very unhealthy symbiotic relationship.

Both abusers and the abused have low self-esteem. They feel sorry for each other and that is why they forgive each other.

Your true way out of this mess is to bolster your self-esteem. Then you will know--like you know, like you know at the core of your being--that you deserve better. Right now, there is a part of you that believes you don't deserve better, that he is broken just like you and that you understand him and that he needs understanding and compassion, etc. etc. etc. and all that cr*p that abused women tell themselves. He deserves love, too, and that no one is perfect. blah, blah, blah.

He may not be all that bad a person deep down, but like a little child, he has to learn that he cannot treat another human being like that or no one will want to play with him.

_________________________
Lori Phillips
Dreams editor

Bellaonline.com Dreams site
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Twitter: @tweetdreams4u
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#793146 - 11/17/12 10:23 PM Re: Scared and Stupid [Re: Beautiful Tragedy]
Lori-Dreams Offline
BellaOnline Editor
Chipmunk

Registered: 07/27/12
Posts: 1963
It is important for you to recognize some truths:

1. You are in love with an illusion. You see what you want to see, and all his tenderness and "loving" words are puffs of smoke.
2. He is dangerous.
3. You are willing to trade a few moments of kindness for episodes of serious hurt.

He is incapable of maintaining a healthy, loving relationship and needs help before he can. You are too vulnerable to be in a relationship now.

Focus on your own life and building your self-worth before you even begin to look for or to attract a man into your life. Or you will continue to attract this type of man. Controlling, critical, abusive.

Yes, you can do it. But you have to want to. When your desire to live an independent, healthy-minded and fulfilled life is stronger than your need for little bits of affection and attention from men, you can do anything.

I have low self-esteem in many ways, but I tell you what: No man is better than a bad man. I will not let a man's broken psychology take me down with him. (I have my own broken psychology to carry on with. hehe!)

I know that even if no one else in this entire world loved me, I love myself enough to move onward. And besides, God--and all His throngs in heaven--loves me and that matters the most.

Kick the jerk out and get a puppy.


Edited by Lori-Dreams (11/17/12 10:23 PM)
_________________________
Lori Phillips
Dreams editor

Bellaonline.com Dreams site
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Twitter: @tweetdreams4u
and @flutterby03

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#793153 - 11/18/12 01:12 AM Re: Scared and Stupid [Re: Beautiful Tragedy]
Elleise - Clairvoyance Offline
BellaOnline Editor
Zebra

Registered: 04/13/05
Posts: 3944
Loc: IL
First and foremost - plan as of this second, to leave.

Every day, make some undetectable motion to get out. By that, I mean, get some shoe polish or conditioner and pick the pair of shoes you'll walk out with as well as comfortable pair of "tennies/mochacins" that you feel most comfortable. In your mind, lable these.

Secondly, I'll agree w/the being scared, but the stupid part???

"Not going to hold you to that one because there's not a single Soul on the planet, that hasn't at one time or another done something not in their best interest."

If you stay, the texting, ect., will seem like a walk in the park. Don't waste your energy directed at those. Instead, you know what you need to and use that energy to make a wiser coice.

That choice will ALWAYS begin with YOU and your self-worth.

If you're posting via computer, learn to erase delete sites adressing this particular issue.

Some women want the abuser to fin out and hopefully change because of how seriously they're taking it. You're hurt.

Locate a place to go. Whomever it is he's texting, will soon regret the pair of shoes you end up leaving behind when you leave.

Just leave and NEVER look back w/this one!
_________________________
Karen Elleise
Clairvoyance Editor
Clairvoyance Site

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#793171 - 11/18/12 12:27 PM Re: Scared and Stupid [Re: Beautiful Tragedy]
Beautiful Tragedy Offline
Newbie

Registered: 11/17/12
Posts: 7
Yesterday after I posted this I went over to my neighbors house. She wasn't home during the incident or the cops would have been called. My upstairs neighbor did nothing. When i walked though her door i asked her how she was. With pity in her eyes she said "better than you I'm sure" and embraced me. I broke. I told her he hit me. She saw the bruise on my cheek though it is not very visible. She locked her door and called my sister. My sister and mom came right over to her apartment and the police were called. I pressed charges and he was arrested. He is not allowed back without a police escort. He has no family here so hopefully wont even be able to post bail. I have my mom staying with me until after this goes to trial. I'm scared. I'm sad and a part of me is empty, but i'm here. It won't be easy not to imagine him suffering out in the cold november nights. But he knew what month it was when he hit me. I still love the illusion but it was nice to be able to breathe. talking to my mom and sister and opening up about the things i was and was not allowed to do showed me how ridiculous and wrong her was. I was only allowed for feed my cats enough dry food to cover only the very bottom of the bowl twice a day. Last night i filled both of their bowls to the top. I cant say im not hurting. Inside i am torn in two. I know i did the right thing, but healing isn't going to be an easy process. The truth is my self esteem wasn't a huge issue before I met him but he started by cutting me down over everything i did. The way I stand, Walk and even breathe (literally). i didn't even realize it was happening until he'd already done the damage.

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#793214 - 11/18/12 07:09 PM Re: Scared and Stupid [Re: Beautiful Tragedy]
Lori-Dreams Offline
BellaOnline Editor
Chipmunk

Registered: 07/27/12
Posts: 1963
Okay. Good move, brave girl. You have several factors that will make a difference between breaking free successfully and breaking down and going back.

1. You had the courage to press charges. Stick with that. Do not revoke them.
2. You reached out for support, and support you have! Your neighbor is witness to the abuse. Your mother and sister are on your side. You wouldn't believe how many supposed family members do not back up the victim. You have love and support.
3. You are aware that this will not be easy so you are on guard for returning feelings of pity that might undo all the forward progress you have made.

Look, even under the best of circumstances, people feel a sense of hurt and loss when they divorce or break up. Everyone. Please don't mistake those feelings for regret or love. It's like how a toddler will cry if you take away the candy. She will miss the sweetness in her mouth even though it was rotting her teeth and making her sick.

You believe you had high self-esteem before he came into the picture but the proof is that you put up with him. If you honestly had self-esteem, you would have left the minute he cut you down in any way. You would have realized what was going on immediately.

Healing can be easier than you think IF you do:

*NOT second guess your decision. Stay firm.
*NOT dwell in the past. Don't relive all the "good" things he did. They are false memories.
*NOT defend him. Don't look for ways to find some redeeming qualities. Sure, everyone has them but if you are trying to break free, do not focus on his "good" points.

On the other hand, it will be important for you instead to:

*Build your life and future. Go to school, focus on your job.
*Get healthy. Start an exercise program. Run, walk, work-out, dance, yoga, whatever.
*Consider taking a self-defense class to bolster your confidence.
*Get into a women's group through church or community. NOT an abuse victim group for they dwell in the past. But one that focuses on one of your interests or some charitable work.
*Surround yourself with positive, strong women. You need role models and supportive friends.

Focus on how good you feel now that you are free and independent. Make your own decisions and feel good about them. You don't have to justify or explain your actions. Do it because you can do whatever you like. Even filling up your sweet cats' bowls all the way to the top.

Abuse victims need to learn to feel the joy of being strong by themselves. They subconsciously cling to "strong" men because they feel weak.

I have been married to a good man for over 27 years. He is the head of our household and I cater to him, much to the chagrin of other members of my family and other women who abhor such subservience. I am not subservient. I serve him because I love him but I am not a servant. But it goes both ways. He dotes on me in his own way. I tell you this so you know that I am not some castrating b when I encourage you to be strong.

There are times when I do remind him that he is not the boss of me. haha. It sounds childish. But it is true and he knows it.


_________________________
Lori Phillips
Dreams editor

Bellaonline.com Dreams site
The Dream Collective
Dreams: What are you trying to tell yourself?
Twitter: @tweetdreams4u
and @flutterby03

Marriage editor
Bellaonline Marriage site
Twitter: @BellaMarriage

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#793306 - 11/19/12 05:20 AM Re: Scared and Stupid [Re: Beautiful Tragedy]
Elleise - Clairvoyance Offline
BellaOnline Editor
Zebra

Registered: 04/13/05
Posts: 3944
Loc: IL
You've brought a tear to my eye (left one) and as Lori mentions, you BRAVE GIRL!!!

I can't tell you just how much an "Icon-of-Strength" you demonstrate for women and men who become abused by an aggressor and the will - perception of self-value, it takes to actually do what you did!

You're right, there is guilt after you leave...I'd go as far as to say, the longer you're away, the more open you can be to "Selective Memory."

I'm VERY greatful to your neighbor, mother and sister for showing up and even more that your mother is staying with you until the trial. I'm also greatful for a neighbor that actually acknowledges, rather than the one that chose not to.

The guilt part?

When/if it comes down to it (with me I needed a mantra to keep me focused) though the months are in fact getting colder, if it were not him on the other side of that door, with time it would have been you, I'm afraid, and you would be the one perhaps of needing shelter.

Quite often, and sadly, abusers or opportunists, are those jumping from one easy-acess to another.

If you need to remind yourself, remember the "Texts" and other women he began talking with...

It's likely he'll not only keep available, "back-ups" and "hook-ups" (kind of like fishing), but may even be in contact w/you until his bridge is clear to move on.

Try to find simply one sentence that sums up your "Ah-ha" moment. And when in doubt, pull all of your energy into that (insight) smile


Edited by Elleise - Clairvoyance (11/19/12 05:44 AM)
_________________________
Karen Elleise
Clairvoyance Editor
Clairvoyance Site

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#793386 - 11/19/12 03:55 PM Re: Scared and Stupid [Re: Beautiful Tragedy]
Beautiful Tragedy Offline
Newbie

Registered: 11/17/12
Posts: 7
If feel guilt turning more into anger. I know I shouldn't do it but i read his texts with this girl. He actually said to her either right before or right after the incident (i think right after though) something about someone "tripping his triggers on purpose." That was enough for me to realize there was no remorse what so ever. He wholeheartedly blames me for what happened. I almost wonder if he is a sociopath. I mean, no feeling at all. Right back to his normal business as if i wasn't crying in a ball on the bathroom floor. Im disgusted to know i thought i loved this guy. How could i be so blind? He is in jail, and it turns out he has a warrent out for his arrest in another state. I believe for battery though they police can not tell me. I hope his bail is revoked. In a minute now i am going to the court house to file a pfa (a protection from abuse which is what we use in this state) So he can not come back here even if he is cleared of all charges which i don't see happening. And i will be contacting the womens center here to find an advocate to help me through. It is hard to feel guilty once you realize with out a doubt that he never cared at all. That possibility of love is what held me here for the time i was here. I am glad I got out when i did. It was only 5 months. The way things were going, he'd have killed be before a year was up probably. I did what I had to do. I am still sad, and mourning the relationship. I think i am actually mourning my love for him. My love was real even if the person it was directed at was not.

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#793399 - 11/19/12 04:08 PM Re: Scared and Stupid [Re: Beautiful Tragedy]
Lori-Dreams Offline
BellaOnline Editor
Chipmunk

Registered: 07/27/12
Posts: 1963
That is a good way to put it: mourning *your love* for him. You put out genuine love. And the ending of that, that withdrawal of such is painful and sad.

The definition of a sociopath is one who feels no guilt or remorse. A sociopath is dangerous precisely for that reason.

So glad there were other clues for you to see who and what he truly is.

By doing what you are doing, you are not only freeing yourself, but possibly protecting other women as this will be on his record.Keep being brave.
_________________________
Lori Phillips
Dreams editor

Bellaonline.com Dreams site
The Dream Collective
Dreams: What are you trying to tell yourself?
Twitter: @tweetdreams4u
and @flutterby03

Marriage editor
Bellaonline Marriage site
Twitter: @BellaMarriage

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#793488 - 11/20/12 01:39 AM Re: Scared and Stupid [Re: Beautiful Tragedy]
Beautiful Tragedy Offline
Newbie

Registered: 11/17/12
Posts: 7
I am hurting a lot this evening. I got through with the filing. everything went okay. I have a hearing next Thurs. I may see him then. Since I left the court house I have been ridiculously irritable and defensive. And well...sad. I may realize now what he is but its hard not to miss what I thought he was and the life I thought we would have. My heart hurts because I miss the illusion I loved. Not that I am saying i want that back...just that i wish it were the illusion that were real. I know full well his inability to love me was because of something wrong inside of him and had nothing to do with me at all but it stings all the same. He wanted acceptance, and I gave it wholeheartedly while he sat back and tried to change me. Never saw how beautiful I really was because the only beauty he cared about was the physical beauty. When i did my hair the way he liked, did my makeup the way he liked he was nicer to me. But he never saw the beauty in the way I put others needs before my own. In my compassion and empathy. Or in the strength he denied that I had. He thought I was stupid, miserable, whiny and weak...and that is what I became. He thought i was stupid because i never argued with him when he was wrong. Once we took a math test together and I got most of the answers right and he didn't and he said he was "testing me" HA! He thought i was weak because he made me cry. I was whiny because I was afraid to yell. I haven't had a good cry yet. Tonight I think I need to. for some reason the tears aren't coming. The pain is there. The anger. The betrayal. Hitting someone you promise not to ever hurt is the ultimate betrayal. But still...no tears.

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