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#793309 - 11/19/12 12:54 AM Re: Choosing a Partner [Re: Lisa LowCarb / VideoGames]
loongdragon Offline
Koala

Registered: 09/21/12
Posts: 2200
Loc: Mont Tremblant,quebec Can
To Jilly,

Is there any way for you not to have that encounter?Is he a live in boyfriend,a friend.If you are afraid of getting hurt physically or mentally,run away or call the cops.

This is all I can think of with half answers,no details.
Again if you feel in any danger ,get out of ther,where ever that may be.

Your friend

loong
_________________________
loong


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#793310 - 11/19/12 12:57 AM Re: Choosing a Partner [Re: Lisa LowCarb / VideoGames]
loongdragon Offline
Koala

Registered: 09/21/12
Posts: 2200
Loc: Mont Tremblant,quebec Can
Dear Lisa,

I knew of the woman mistreatment however,not that much.

loongdragon
_________________________
loong


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#793312 - 11/19/12 01:02 AM Re: Choosing a Partner [Re: Lisa LowCarb / VideoGames]
Jilly Offline
BellaOnline Editor
Highest Posting Power Known to Humanity

Registered: 02/27/03
Posts: 14392
Loc: Verde Valley, AZ
Okay, I called the Crisis Line and they gave me some good advice. I am still a crying wreck. But they suggested some backup safety tips and recommended I try to do something soothing tonite so i can stop being a sad little ball. I make a lot of mistakes and upset people I don't intend to and work myself up into a knot...but the main thing is this worry about my visitor and his expectations of me. I have been VERY clear about not wanting sex....but he keeps pushing my boundaries and I feel like vomiting. frown

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#793313 - 11/19/12 01:09 AM Re: Choosing a Partner [Re: Lisa LowCarb / VideoGames]
loongdragon Offline
Koala

Registered: 09/21/12
Posts: 2200
Loc: Mont Tremblant,quebec Can
Dear Jilly,

No one is forced to do ,anything.Like I wrote,if ever he wants to force himself on you.call the police.

With loving kindness,
loong
_________________________
loong


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#793315 - 11/19/12 01:23 AM Re: Choosing a Partner [Re: Lisa LowCarb / VideoGames]
Lisa LowCarb / VideoGames Offline
BellaOnline Editor
Highest Posting Power Known to Humanity

Registered: 01/05/04
Posts: 20796
Dear Jilly -

I wrote you privately too, so whatever way you want to handle this, privately or publicly, we are here to help.

You should *never* need to be uncomfortable in your own home. If this man is upsetting you, tell him to stay elsewhere, and only visit him in that other location. He is an adult. He can handle reality. If he in any way tries to pressure you, then walk away. There is no reason to have him anywhere near your home.

No matter what was said up until now, all of us have the right to change our mind and to do what feels comfortable to us in our own homes. Tell him you are no longer comfortable having him in your home, you will meet him in the hotel lobby, and that is it.

If he resists or pressures you in any way, then leave. He is clearly not ready for a relationship with you.

Send him an email telling him that, if it's easier on you. That way you lay out the new rules.
_________________________
Lisa Shea, Low Carb / Video Games Editor
Low Carb Website
Low Carb Forum

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#793319 - 11/19/12 01:39 AM Re: Choosing a Partner [Re: Lisa LowCarb / VideoGames]
Jilly Offline
BellaOnline Editor
Highest Posting Power Known to Humanity

Registered: 02/27/03
Posts: 14392
Loc: Verde Valley, AZ
Every day for the last month i have been dreading this visit. THis is a very old friend from childhood. As we are both ending our marriages right now we thought maybe he should visit and see if we are compatible. He bought a plane ticket and nearly every day has been asking for pictures of me for his phone, trying to sext with me, telling me all the things he wants to do to me....even though I have begged him to stop, told him i am not comfortable with this, and that there will be no sex.

He is doggedly persistent and is making me feel like I am not hip since I refuse to sext or flirt. He says, "calm down, baby, it's just talk"...

I've told him he needs to find another woman and that I just want to keep being friends, but then he goes on and on about things that are inappropriate and uncomfortable for me.

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#793320 - 11/19/12 01:50 AM Re: Choosing a Partner [Re: Lisa LowCarb / VideoGames]
Jilly Offline
BellaOnline Editor
Highest Posting Power Known to Humanity

Registered: 02/27/03
Posts: 14392
Loc: Verde Valley, AZ
ok, he is still driving up here. I told him i am not going to see him tonite. I locked my door and shut the blinds and hope he won't come by. Hopefully I will be better able to handle this tomorrow. I somehow lost the meds i just picked up, and without them, things are going to be very messy.

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#793321 - 11/19/12 01:52 AM Re: Choosing a Partner [Re: Lisa LowCarb / VideoGames]
Lisa LowCarb / VideoGames Offline
BellaOnline Editor
Highest Posting Power Known to Humanity

Registered: 01/05/04
Posts: 20796
Dear Jilly -

He has his way of looking at things, and that is OK. At the same time it of course does not mean it has to be your way of looking at things!

MANY people do not like to sext or flirt. This is quite normal for large swaths of the population. Just because he likes to do something does not mean that you or any other person he meets should like to do it too.

You have made clear what you do not want. He has made clear that he doesn't care at all. That he is going to keep inflicting his behavior on you and pressure you. That is not healthy. He is not acting in the manner of a friend.

Again, whatever you might or might not have agreed to in the past, it is FINE for you to change your mind and to state new rules. That is completely your right in your home.

Tell him to get a hotel room. He is an adult, he can handle change. If your love is not worth the price of a hotel room to him, then it was not meant to be. Tell him you will meet in the lobby. If he is not willing to handle this in a way that you are comfortable with, then it was not meant to be.

He needs to earn your respect. He does that through his own actions. If he cares about you, then he should be willing to go at the speed you're comfortable with.

His buying of the ticket does not mean he's bought full access to you. It was *his* choice to buy that ticket, and now it's his choice what hotel to stay in.
_________________________
Lisa Shea, Low Carb / Video Games Editor
Low Carb Website
Low Carb Forum

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#793322 - 11/19/12 01:57 AM Re: Choosing a Partner [Re: Lisa LowCarb / VideoGames]
Lisa LowCarb / VideoGames Offline
BellaOnline Editor
Highest Posting Power Known to Humanity

Registered: 01/05/04
Posts: 20796
Dear Jilly -

Tell him you're exhausted and that you need to go to sleep. Tell him you will be able to talk with him tomorrow. Tell him there's no way you can be awake tonight or talk with him. Tell him to email you the name of his motel. Make it simple, and clear, and final.
_________________________
Lisa Shea, Low Carb / Video Games Editor
Low Carb Website
Low Carb Forum

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#793325 - 11/19/12 02:02 AM Re: Choosing a Partner [Re: Lisa LowCarb / VideoGames]
Jilly Offline
BellaOnline Editor
Highest Posting Power Known to Humanity

Registered: 02/27/03
Posts: 14392
Loc: Verde Valley, AZ
These are all good points. And I am exhausted from worry, stress and prolonged crying. I am not handling anything well tonite, although I mean well. I feel like I have been ticking away the days of this impending visit like it is some type of doom. He keeps telling me to shave my privates and send photos of me with no clothes on. This isn't the friend I remember.


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