BellaOnline Forums Beauty and Self Self Development Do you have a Nearby, Focused-On-You Friend?

We were talking in another thread about having a first-responder local friend. This friend would be a woman I could depend on to assist in an emergency.

This is a topic I take fairly seriously, because I feel it is so important. In my life, I always find it important to invest time, energy, and emotion into building a local strong friendship with someone who has few responsibilities. A mom with seven kids would not be an ideal choice for this . She has enough on her plate.

I ensure I am there for her, and she is there for me.

Here is an example.

I went to St. Louis when I was about 26 to be with a man. I left my son with my ex for the year. This was a *very* hard sacrifice for me to make, but I felt it was critical in order to forge the foundation with my love of my life, who had to be in St. Louis for that year. I figured once that foundation was laid then we could make better long term plans which would involve living in Massachusetts again.

By pure chance, about six months into the stay, I discovered this man was sleeping with an old college friend and was planning, after the year was up, to move off to Vancouver to live with her. So I was going to "waste" the next six months of my life keeping house for him with him planning to abandon me the entire time. And I'd be away from my son for that entire time too, for no reason.

I was beyond devastated.

My parents didn't come out. I didn't expect them to. They have a web of responsibilities that they are enmeshed in. We all live lives in different ways - some with a mesh of responsibilities, some with few if any. My parents are in the mesh of responsibilities category and that is an integral part of their nature. It is their "feature". So what they bring to the table is not "come be present at an emergency". I am fine with that.

My friends from back home didn't come out, for the same reason. They have enmeshed responsibilities. It would have been irresponsible for them to abandon their other responsibilities. Again I am fine with that. They are still awesome friends.

I did have a solid new friend I had built a relationship with in St. Louis who was single and a low-responsibility person. A key reason we were strong friends was that we could both be there for each other. Yes, I had other friends in St. Louis but they had families or other time commitments. This specific friend was my "emergency contact". She was unique.

She was absolutely there for me. When I called her with the news, she immediately had me come over and stay with her. In the subsequent days she spent time with me and took me out. She was close, she was free, and she was there for me, because I had been there for her too. That was our "purpose" in our relationship, to be there for each other.

One cannot choose family members, so to me they aren't part of any equation. One *can* choose friends, and each friend has his or her own traits. Some of my friends are cheerleaders. Some are advice givers. Some are listeners. Some are brainstormers. And yes, one is the be-there-at-all-costs one. To me that last category is almost by definition a unique one. Nearly all people have other people they are taking care of, and I appreciate that. I strive to have *one* person who is free from responsibility and who is close. I treasure that person. I know they will be there for me, if disaster hits. And they know I will be there for them.

So for me, it's not something that just happens, and it's not something I expect from anybody else in my circle of friends or relatives. It's a quite specific trait that only a very unique specific person can fulfill. I work on finding and maintaining that specific relationship. I know how important it is to what I want in life, and I invest the energy to make it happen.

As a counter-example, my friend Leslie from high school is the best friend I could ever hope for. She and I have been loyal to each other for decades. And she has a husband and four kids. I absolutely know that family is her priority, and I treasure her for that love. So I would not put her in a position of having to choose. I let her know I am safe and taken care of. She provides a different kind of support.

This is my personal view on having a local, emergency contact person. I'm sure others have other views, and that is fine!

that sounds very nice. Finding someone unmarried and kidless isn't that easy. Also, me and this hypothetical person would have to like each other.

Maybe things will be better for me in yuma. It's a larger town with more of a liberal community.

Dear Jilly -

I absolutely believe anything is possible if one puts their energy into it. You are a delightful, intelligent, fun person. I am sure there are many people out there who would love to hike, craft, and hang out with you. Now the fun "treasure hunt" is to find them. Think of it as there being the most beautiful treasure out there in the world, just for you. You can definitely find it, if you just poke around a bit. It's worth the hunt. The hunt is fun!

So then the question is, where might they be hiding? Like a Where's Waldo, but with clues. You know they'd be somewhere *you* would like to be.

Certainly if you are planning to go to Yuma soon then this might be a quest to begin there, so your time invested has a longer term benefit!

I'll note that the person might be married. They might have kids. It's all about the *dependency* level though. After all, I have Bob and my friend has a mother. So we do each have that one "conflict". It is not an "impediment" though in 99% of the cases with us. It'd have to be some sort of a nuclear holocaust before we were having to choose at that level.

So maybe your treasure person has 2 kids, but they are off living in Alaska and she loves them from afar. So they wouldn't interfere in your relationship. Maybe she has a husband, and he is a quiet, introspective stamp collector who wants to be working on his stamps all night long. So again not at all an intrusion on your time together.

On the other hand someone who is unmarried and childless might be so involved with gardening clubs that she is busy 24x7.

So it's not necessarily about their kid / husband status, but more about their life-network status. You want to find someone who is not already enmeshed in many responsibilities. That way you can be fairly primary. And in return you put them high in your own list of responsibilities, so you are there for them.

I know she is out there for you!! She is waiting for you to find her .

I could do this. thank you for talking it through with me. At least Yuma has an outdoor club.

Dear Jilly -

An outdoor club sounds absolutely perfect for you! I'm sure you would be loved there . And you'd have many treasure-possibilities to choose from!

There is definitely a perfect local-emergency-contact for you. You will know when you're in the right place to begin that fun search .