This is beautiful. My friend whose niece died at Thanksgiving two years ago experiences the same struggle/religion.
In Judaism, the word Yisrael (i.e. - children of Israel) means wrestle with god, and I think that's what many people continue to do throughout their lives.
I always joke and say "I don't believe in god ... and god's ok with that."
Thank you - as always - for sharing some deep pieces of yourself.