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#788132 - 10/17/12 01:45 AM Should this marriage be saved?  
Joined: Nov 2009
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Lori - Marriage Offline
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Lori - Marriage  Offline
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Koala

Joined: Nov 2009
Posts: 2,691
Orange, CA USA
We made promises to stay married �for better or for worse� but who knew what life would throw our way when we made those well-intentioned vows? In this article series, real life marriages are tests in unexpected ways. What would you do? Should this marriage be saved?

This one is about a spouse with Alzheimer's:

Spouse with Alzheimer�s

In this marriage, a man is getting worn down with the care-taking of his wife who was diagnosed with Alzheimer's. His family, concerned for his well-being, is encouraging him to let her go. What do you think he should do?

Last edited by Lori - Marriage; 10/17/12 02:47 AM.

Lori Phillips
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#788145 - 10/17/12 02:39 AM Re: Should this marriage be saved? [Re: Lori - Marriage]  
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Debbie-SpiritualityEditor Offline
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Elephant

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This is a tough one, Lori. I think this man needs help from others in order to care for his wife, whether that be from professionals coming into the home for some time during the day, or placing her in a facility, depending on how far along her condition is. I applaud his love and devotion to his wife, but I think he is mentally and physically exhausted, which could lead to a decline in his own health.

I was a full time caregiver for my intimate partner and I know how exhausting it can be. It is not the same situation at all, but I know sometimes you just need a break so you can rest. I think the man needs help, and then he can make decisions that are best for him when he has a clear head.


Debbie Grejdus
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#788147 - 10/17/12 02:49 AM Re: Should this marriage be saved? [Re: Lori - Marriage]  
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Lori - Marriage Offline
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Koala

Joined: Nov 2009
Posts: 2,691
Orange, CA USA
Thanks, Debbie, for your great opinion. smile

What about those other situations? What about the husband whose wife cannot provide sexual intimacy due to her health condition? Do you think it is acceptable for him to find it elsewhere while remaining married and "otherwise faithful" to her?


Lori Phillips
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#788150 - 10/17/12 03:04 AM Re: Should this marriage be saved? [Re: Lori - Marriage]  
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Inci - Chinese Culture Offline
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Amoeba

Joined: Mar 2012
Posts: 72
Texas, USA
This is a very tough situation, Lori. The man has to take care of himself, too, in order to able to take care of his spouse. He needs people around him, so that he can think of his options. It's a sad but true love story.

About the other man..who prefers to have an affair in order to be able to stay married with his wife..I just can't accept that behaviour. I can udnerstand the difficulty of his situation but he's basically cheating on her. This made me ask, is sex really that important? As you said, isn't marriage 'for better or for worse'?

I believe that men are not as strong as women to deal with tough situations. There are so many examples of men who are getting a divorce right after their spouses diagnosed with a condition. It's just sad and all I can say is 'they are just men'.

Great article, Lori!


Inci Yilmazli
Chinese Culture Editor
#788161 - 10/17/12 04:03 AM Re: Should this marriage be saved? [Re: Lori - Marriage]  
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mark laverdiere Offline
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The "for better or for worse" phrase has taken on a different meaning here, but I guess there are still guys out there who willingly take their vows seriously and undertake to fulfill them to the greatest extent. Difficult to be judgmental here...

#788168 - 10/17/12 04:37 AM Re: Should this marriage be saved? [Re: Lori - Marriage]  
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Inci - Chinese Culture Offline
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Inci - Chinese Culture  Offline
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Amoeba

Joined: Mar 2012
Posts: 72
Texas, USA
I was not trying to be judgmental here. Of course there are still men out there who would take their vows seriously. However, in these kind of situations, mostly we hear about men turning their backs on their spouses regarding sex. What do you think?


Inci Yilmazli
Chinese Culture Editor
#788201 - 10/17/12 02:24 PM Re: Should this marriage be saved? [Re: Inci - Chinese Culture]  
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Debbie-SpiritualityEditor Offline
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Elephant

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I do believe there are men out there who take their vows seriously and would not cheat or bail out of a marriage no matter what. Unfortunately in my experience, even some of the nice guys will cheat even when they are not rejected in the bedroom. A lot of men don't know how to rein in their sexuality even though they have chosen to be in committed relationships. Not all men of course, but many nonetheless.


Debbie Grejdus
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#788300 - 10/18/12 03:34 AM Re: Should this marriage be saved? [Re: Lori - Marriage]  
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freeatlast Offline
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Hi Lori, I think both men need some counseling to assist their mental health and make the right decisions. I agree that it isn't right for a man or woman to abandon their spouse when they are ill, whether in divorce or seeking sexual pleasure. My Dad was in a nursing home for 3 years before he died. He was declining physically mostly. My Mom stayed by his side and visited him every day. I'm sure it was a very hard thing for her to deal with, but I praise her faithfulness and love for my father. You don't hear much of that kind of dedication anymore. But, everyone has to make the decision that is right for them and feel good about it.

#788303 - 10/18/12 04:01 AM Re: Should this marriage be saved? [Re: Lori - Marriage]  
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ketah Offline
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Hi Lori, As A person who is going thru divorce because of a health issue... I struggle to understand where the committment was..... I guess my problem is ( since I am the one with the health issue ) IF the tables were turned..... I would of stayed commentted..... I just couldnt leave them hanging and dealing with the health issue all alone..... To me its about committment... I was on dialysis for several years and now transplanted....Now he wants a divorce....."Hello"

#788306 - 10/18/12 04:09 AM Re: Should this marriage be saved? [Re: ketah]  
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freeatlast Offline
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Sorry to hear that Ketah. If he wants a divorce not really much you can do if he won't agree to counseling. I'm going through divorce too and it really stinks! I'm the one that left because of abuse, but it's dragging on and he won't agree to anything. I hope things go more smoothly for you and that you find peace and contentment. May the Lord bless you with happiness and a partner that will be faithful to his commitments.

#788716 - 10/21/12 02:42 AM Re: Should this marriage be saved? [Re: Lori - Marriage]  
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Elleise - Clairvoyance Offline
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Elephant

Joined: Apr 2005
Posts: 4,024
TX
Me personally, I feel, "For Better or Worse..." the vows, just over time, especially (sorry) but w/those DA reality T.V. shows not really helping any, etc.

But marriage, to me anyway, I mean unless you're in danger, the vows - spiritually are there for a reason. Otherwise, just date and get on w/it, internet - wise when things get tough or you happen to have a short-term attention span.

Alzheimers, if it were my spouse, I'd stay w/him, BUT I'd also investigate resources to help out.

Sexuality, if someone can't perform (which is different from won't) but either way, if your marriage still retains the value it once did...way back when, there are ways to relieve yourself w/out making it an all-round social deal or excuses to do whatever, whenever.

10 yrs. ago a teacher confided there was an STD epidemic, the public knew nothing about....I'm like why don't they make a public announcement or something?

Her words..."Politics. They don't want to alarm the public how badly it really is..."

Back to marriage...marry your BEST FRIEND! And, stick w/them through thick or thin.

I'm hoping this doesn't offend anyone smile

But it pretty much sums up what (in my heart) marriage should be about) that 'once upone a time' thingy we start out with, but waves DO come and go.

How Could We See That Far?

Last edited by Elleise - Clairvoyance; 10/21/12 02:46 AM.

Karen Elleise
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#789062 - 10/23/12 03:15 AM Re: Should this marriage be saved? [Re: Lori - Marriage]  
Joined: Nov 2009
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Lori - Marriage Offline
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Koala

Joined: Nov 2009
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Orange, CA USA
I'm sorry to hear that, Ketah. This must be a very difficult thing to go through. frown

How are you feeling now with the transplant? I hope stronger. Please know we're here if you ever want to talk, vent, connect...

Last edited by Lori - Marriage; 10/23/12 03:16 AM.

Lori Phillips
Marriage editor

BellaOnline.com Marriage
Twitter: @BellaMarriage

Dreams editor
Bellaonline.com Dreams site
The Dream Collective
Dreams: What are you trying to tell yourself?
Twitter: @tweetdreams4u
and @flutterby03
#789080 - 10/23/12 07:02 AM Re: Should this marriage be saved? [Re: Lori - Marriage]  
Joined: Oct 2012
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mark laverdiere Offline
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Honestly, Inci, I would probably not even know what to do...I just hope I will be guided and made stronger by the knowledge that marriage is meant to be forever.

Last edited by mark laverdiere; 10/23/12 07:04 AM.
#789323 - 10/24/12 05:10 PM Re: Should this marriage be saved? [Re: mark laverdiere]  
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Debbie-SpiritualityEditor Offline
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Elephant

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Posts: 4,796
I tried twice to make my marriage last forever. That was my desire and belief. I was willing to do what it takes to make them work, but both times my husbands bailed out, for a heck of a lot less than a serious illness. You can't make a marriage work all on your own.

My last relationship ended in the death of my partner. He was sick and needed a lot of care at times. I could never fathom the thought of leaving him, and we never took marriage vows. Love is love, for better or for worse.


Debbie Grejdus
Spirituality Site Editor
Spirituality Forum Moderator
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