BellaOnline Forums Relationships Marriage Are you disappointed with marriage?

Has your marriage lived up to your expectations, hopes and dreams?

Mine has thrown me down some unexpected roads but wow, what a ride!

Disappointed with Marriage

I totally agree with the "life changes" part. My husband and I were real party-goers when we first met. We used to go out drinking and clubbing together all the time, but as we (and our bodies) age, these party-going urges have diminished, and we now enjoy staying at home with a good movie. I suppose that we're lucky to have "change" towards the same direction. But once in a while, I still have the urge to go out and have fun, and my husband understands that. In the end, it's all about understanding and compromise.

I liked a lot of aspects - mainly the companionship and the sense someone out there has your back.

But I also wasted a lot of time I could have been having adventures outdoors - a decade! That makes me mad at myself.

I did have some disappointments in my marriage. I think it is natural to have some as the years go by, challenges come up, and people grow and change. I think more could have been done to alleviate some of those disappointments and to turn things around, but my ex-husband was not interested in working on the marriage so we parted ways. It does take work, but I believe that a lot of issues can be taken care of with love and understanding.

For the most part I enjoyed being married. I miss it a great deal.

I am on my third and last marriage lol I married my high school sweetheart the first time. We grew up together and apart quickly. In hind sight, we should have waited for marriage because I don't think it would have happened had we waited and wasted years together in misery. My second marriage turned abusive. Now I finally found my best friend and companion. Our relationship isn't perfect like those around us think it is, we have ups and downs as naturally all intimate relationships do. You have to find a balance, learn when to fight and when to let it go.

My answer to this question is "YES", i am disappointed. I have been trying to work on improving are relationship, but I can't do this by myself. My wife I think is mostly oblivious to how weak and fragile our relationship has become. I think she believes my sole concern in our relationship is about sex. That is a big problem with us, but not the only problem. However, reestablishing a sex life between us would be a big step to repairing our relationship. Over five years is a long time to go without any intimacy more than a rare hug.

Living without intimacy and affection kills a marriage. I know that first hand. It is painful to live like that with someone you love.

Craig, have you tried counseling for yourself? Just yourself.

I believe marriage is a lifelong struggle to find a novel thing to love each day in your partner. No one can ever claim to be an expert because there will (should) be something new to love (or hate) each day. But Married people need to understand that what makes them different from each other were the things that made them come together in the first place. There are no perfect marriages simply because marriage is a union of two imperfect people trying to understand and accept each other's imperfections. Disappointment in marriage is normal, but too much of it means perhaps you should have passed up on this one....

I have been disappointed with myself and my husband as individuals in the marriage but not by the marriage itself.

In my case marriage turned out to be far better than I thought it could be. To be honest I grew up not liking the idea of marriage at all. In fact I hated the idea and figured any marriage with me in it as the wife was going to be a complete disaster--just like all of the marriages I'd seen growing up.

As it turns out, 19 years later, I've discovered that I'm pretty good at this. Who knew?!?

What I've found is that marriage is a lot of work periodically, but not every day year after year. Having young children was our biggest hurdle and we're over that now.

You know there's an actual GOOD movie (with Steve Martin) called, "Parenthood." Before it was destroyed...

But anyway...there was a grandmother and w/actual comedy, showed the ups and downs of marriage.

She says something along the lines of, "You know some people like the carousel. But it just goes round and round. But I...I like the rollercoaster."

Then the wife of Steve Martin says someting like, "Your grandmother is a very wise woman."

Then he says, lol..."If she's so wise, why is she sitting in the next-door neightbor's car?"

Thought that would cheer you or anyone up. We all have ups and down. Me personally? I prefer the rollercoaster

This really is a good article...

But - here's the thing.

When it comes to being disappointed, whether you're married or not, I'd say, it goes in phases.

Cycles

But relationships in general? Well, initially, that's what engagement was all about. Getting to REALLY know one another. But what I've found is:

You can never know another completely...because we are constantly re-discovering ourselves.

But if you're committed, and you hang in there (provided it's not dangerous) you can even find out things about yourself, as your partner of choice does as well

Agreed. I was married twice, the first for two years and the second for 16 years. Probably my biggest disappointments for both was that my ex-husbands just threw in the towel after all we had been through together instead of wanting to put in the work to make the marriage last. I never wanted to give up because I knew we could make it work. Needless to say, neither divorce was my idea.

I think it's fair to say, with any relationship, at times the grass can SEEM greener.

Maybe there's someone more attractive, younger, richer, more fun, more whatever.

But in your heart. If you know for certain, you are stronger as a couple together and can realize the strenghts within that bond, Then you have and WILL have if you're ready to find it with a parter that realizes the same, someone that as you get older, as the economy changes, as health changes, etc...a person that will be there, making those challenging times a bit more comforting

For both men I married the grass did seem greener for them on the other side of the fence. In truth, I don't think that is what they actually found when they left me.

Would I try marriage again? Maybe. But I would have to find a very special soul to want to to it again with. I don't take the institution lightly. I always thought I would do it once in my life and that would be it. For me such a commitment is life-long.

though, i've not got marry, but, i feel disappointed with marriage, because, i don't think my mother and father spend a good life together, they quarrel every day and i hate it, i don't know why people need to get marry and why they want to have a baby.

Yes, I agree with Elleise that there are phases in marriage. Some not so great; others beyond amazing.

I'm sorry clairehobby that your parents quarrel every day. People have a biological drive to procreate. It isn't only about the sexual contact. The urge to replicate, to reproduce...it is primal and undeniable. For some. Not so for others.

I know of so so many married people who stay married even though:
*They did not marry for love.
*They are not happy.
*They do not wish to be married.

And it is sad. They stay married for other reasons including religious beliefs, financial pressures, social/family demands, even convenience, laziness and fear of the unknown or being alone.

But that is only one half of the marriage story. There are so many examples of great marriages and great love.

If marriage is "done right" this can be a life-defining, life-changing relationship that can help a person evolve on a spiritual level. I find it all too sad that many people go out into the world, wishing to "make a difference" by spreading love when they cannot manage to love the person they married!

That is not to say that some couples should not divorce. Sometimes, life paths go different directions.

Marriage calls one to do some serious self-work and that is extremely hard. Successful marrieds find that when they focus on what they can do instead of trying to get their spouses to change, the love truly deepens. I have experienced this personally.

My own marriage is not perfect but we're crazy about each other.