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Originally Posted By: leahmullen

Another example is that I have a girlfriend who would bring up a subject which was hurtful to me. One day I told her to never bring it up again and she hasn't ten years later! I think it is okay to ask people to change in small ways for you, especially if you are willing to do the same for them.


LOL Leah, I had to do the same with my daughter. She has chosen to get all caught up in the family drama on both sides of the family (mine and her dad's). I learn't not to in order to maintain my sanity and avoid the lifetime depression I had been living in.

I had hoped she would not repeat my mistake, but seems determined to.

Okay, after my "hell" of 4 years - I finally told her, right now - I was working on ME and trying to figure out how to get back ME after losing ME for the past 4 years. I had to explain to her that while I appreciated staying with her since June of this year - this is not what I want to continue to do. And while I am here, I will continue to respect her space - but needed to set some "boundaries" as EACH day I have to find a reason to get up. I have learn't throughout life that it is up to ME to set boundaries with others. Some chose to continue the disrespect (like my ex) and some will listen to my request and respect the boundaries.

Told her that I no longer wanted to HEAR anything about the family drama. She is not happy with my decision and it has caused some "tension" but we have to CREATE some new things to talk about/lol. I need some HAPPY stuff!!! Not who is mad with who - or who hurt who and so on. Yikes - drains me...

I am so glad I read this part of your post, now I know I am on the "healthy" path = allowing her to do her thing = but not letting it pull me back from doing what I need to be doing smile

Last edited by Angela J. Shirley; 09/04/12 11:34 PM.
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Originally Posted By: Angela J. Shirley
Originally Posted By: leahmullen

Another example is that I have a girlfriend who would bring up a subject which was hurtful to me. One day I told her to never bring it up again and she hasn't ten years later! I think it is okay to ask people to change in small ways for you, especially if you are willing to do the same for them.


LOL Leah, I had to do the same with my daughter. She has chosen to get all caught up in the family drama on both sides of the family (mine and her dad's). I learn't not to in order to maintain my sanity and avoid the lifetime depression I had been living in.

I had hoped she would not repeat my mistake, but seems determined to.

Okay, after my "hell" of 4 years - I finally told her, right now - I was working on ME and trying to figure out how to get back ME after losing ME for the past 4 years. I had to explain to her that while I appreciated staying with her since June of this year - this is not what I want to continue to do. And while I am here, I will continue to respect her space - but needed to set some "boundaries" as EACH day I have to find a reason to get up. I have learn't throughout life that it is up to ME to set boundaries with others. Some chose to continue the disrespect (like my ex) and some will listen to my request and respect the boundaries.

Told her that I no longer wanted to HEAR anything about the family drama. She is not happy with my decision and it has caused some "tension" but we have to CREATE some new things to talk about/lol. I need some HAPPY stuff!!! Not who is mad with who - or who hurt who and so on. Yikes - drains me...

I am so glad I read this part of your post, now I know I am on the "healthy" path = allowing her to do her thing = but not letting it pull me back from doing what I need to be doing smile



Hi Angela,

I feel you on the family gossip thing. Gossip is so intriguing. Family gossip, celebrity gossip. The other day I got on the computer ready to do some work, yet I clicked on a yahoo article about a celebrity�s living arrangements after her divorce�a waste of five minutes of my precious time that I can�t get back!

Are you interested in any of your daughter�s interests�books, fashion, knitting? Perhaps you could draw her attention away from family intrigue by engaging with her about her interests. For example you could say with a smile things like: �so how was your day�I just read in the paper that the museum is free on Tuesdays�or what should we eat for dinner? �

In my family we talk A LOT about food, food, food. My husband and children are vegetarian so we can�t just grab something quick from McDonald�s, we have to cook. So we talk a lot about recipes, going to the store to get ingredients, etc. What we�d like to try next, etc, etc, etc. And I find when we�re talking about this topic that may seem mundane, everyone is neutral to happy�as everybody likes to eat. And you don�t have to be Rachel Ray or Martha Stewart to talk about food for an hour. We�ve all been eating all of our lives, so we�re all experts. It�s the common denominator for everyone in the world.

Also I find that chopping, peeling, saut�ing etc is SO relaxing. What I do is have an article I�m writing up on the screen. I�ll write for five minutes, then get up from my computer to peel the vegetables, I�ll write a little more than check on the rice, etc, etc. Or I might watch a movie while cooking, pausing the film every five or ten minutes or so. Or I'll have my kids cook while I monitor.

And when the meal is done, we�ve eaten and the dishes are washed and put away, I feel such a sense of accomplishment!!!

Our brains LOVE when we complete something. And the brain is not picky about what it is that you complete. People may applaud when you win a Pulitzer Prize, but just cleaning up the kitchen and putting all of the dishes away is enough for the brain to be satisfied.


LEAH MULLEN
LIFE COACHING

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Hi Leah:

Girl, food is my addiction - but thanks for the suggestion and love your routine. Fighting the "eating" too much thing right now.

With my daughter, she is very angry about what life has served her. For too many years I have mourned the loss of possibly having her do things differently from the way I did = life long depression. I had wanted her to work for things like her first car. Then my "helpful" younger brother let her use his car when he brought a brand new truck. When she could not have her own way with him, temper tantrum/drama routine. I had to tell them BOTH - since they had insisted on ignoring what I wanted - this is their issue = don't want to hear anything about it. What a freeing moment/lol. This is just an example of what I am talking about. The giving her things went on until this year when he got married and I guess the wife (have not met her) said enough. I really cannot blame her for this. Their household is first and it is not his responsibility to continue to pay my daughter's car insurance on the car that is still his. Anyway, just wanted to explain why I have to take care of ME right now. She is angry, may never get over it - but I have to distance my nerves right now. Living with her is a DAILY don't know what is coming in the front door/lol. Yes, a very moody young lady right now!!!

Bottom line, due to "family" meddling - she was not allowed to get things on her own since becoming 18, now 25. I was spoilt rotten and had everything handed to me - housekeeper, etc - we were rich - but no love. I gave her the love the best I could as I had my "demons" like her father did. I had left him when I had found out I was pregnant - it was planned, the part that was not planned was not having him around. It was like getting pregnant made me realize my unborn child was depending on me. No more taking care of a "grown" man (who has not changed from what my daughter tells me). Of course, I have asked her to cease telling me anything about both sets of family since moving in with her in June of this year.

Anyway, I spent a lot of years in counseling and was determined to do things differently with her - but LOL, she is a feisty one. They say you get double what you gave out when you were your child's age. Girl, I am getting back 12 times what I put my mom through. But again, she accepted my "disrespect" as I had none for her and I guess she felt just because I had the "best" of everything while in her household (got shipped out to the USA at age 16, we graduate early from high school in my island Jamaica-West Indies) that would be enough. She used to beat the mess out of me and at age 16, I told her that was it and if she laid another hand on me - I would use the iron I had in my hand on her. I guess that is when she realized, that while she accepted the daily beating from my father (he died when I was 12 - driving home from work drunk) - I was not. She started to beat on me when he died. LOL, I guess now she could take out all her anger against being stuck with raising 3 children (I have 2 younger brothers) on her own on me. No, I wanted love along with discipline! I have come to realize this year that she had her own issues, we never talked about anything and still don't. I use to wonder why she stayed? I don't know about you, but I don't like pain!!! And from reading your posts, I know you are the same. But some women/men stay until their abuser kills them. That would have been my mom. She fainted at my dad's funeral. I remember thinking as a child, relieved he was gone (he was my abuser then) why she would do this?? I use to feel guilty about being glad he was gone = no more abuse I thought/lol. But I think it had something to do with how both sets of families operate - it is all about the image. To heck with the fact what is really going on behind closed doors. LOL, I was already a rebel and when I got pregnant at age 29 - when I choose to leave her father, that did not help.

Anyway, my daughter grew up in poverty (although I refuse to call it that now, I call it "a challenging time") due to my determination not to stay with her dad and his issues. He is a good man, but refused to deal with his demons (alcohol, drugs, and don't want to work/lol).

Yes, maybe with time - we can develop a "healthy" interaction, and until then - I have to protect my insides from more heartache as yes, I have cried a few tears since moving in with her. But one day, the lightbulb went on - she is now grown and I have no control over how she treats me, but I do have control over what I will ACCEPT.

Sounds like you have traveled a wonderful journey of "self discovery" - one I have started in June of this year. Kind of scary starting all over again and having no idea how to do it - but know from the past that I can do it!!!

Last edited by Angela J. Shirley; 09/05/12 07:08 PM.
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Originally Posted By: leahmullen
I think it is okay to ask people to change in small ways for you, especially if you are willing to do the same for them.




Leah,

I think it helps both parties to express your concern and to have a discussion if you can. In general, I let the other party know that I do not like the action in question, and I let them know what my rule is about the matter (if they are doing something directly toward me). Then, I back off, because the root of their action, the thing that bothers them and causes them to do this, is their cross to bear. I cannot change that, they have to want to change it and make the effort. In that way, I am willing to support them as I hope they are willing to support my efforts at being a better person.

For example, I have a friend that is very controlling. No matter what the group is doing she is always trying to control it. I have expressed my concern about it and given her examples of how she displays it. That said, I have backed off. Her insecurities or need for perfection (the root cause of her controlling nature) is her cross to bear. She has to want to change that. I understand that this is currently her nature. When she does something directly toward me with too much force or intensity we talk (since I have told her about her control issues, we really don't have very many moments of her doing anything toward me). Otherwise, I've decided I can handle who she is.

So, I think I am saying, I don't expect people to change for me. People are who they are for many reasons, often as a defense for something they have experienced in their childhood. For me, making them aware of their actions is often enough to get them to pay attention to their actions. Some people want to change and others do not.

I do not know if my approach is right or wrong, but I like it. I believe that when people change for themselves, they truly change rather than simply putting a bandage on the situation. I know that to be true for myself.


Yvonnie DuBose
Inspiration
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