BellaOnline Forums Beauty and Self Inspiration Book Club - Chp. 4 The Mastery of Love

Chapter 4, The Track of Love, The Track of Fear

I love this chapter because it defines the two base emotions that we utilize in our relationships. Ruiz defines these emotions and shows us how they are displayed or acted out by each of us.

"Love has no expectations." "Love has no obligations." "Love is based on respect." -Don Miguel Ruiz

Ruiz reminds us that in a relationship, we are team players. On a team you play to each other's strengths, not against each other.

"In every relationship there are two halves. ...you are only responsible for your half; you are not responsible for the other half." Meaning make sure you are being the best you that you can be and let the other person manage themselves. Respect your partner enough to allow them to shape themselves into the best person they can be; do not try to force them.

Ruiz reminds us, "The only way to master love is to practice love."

What did you think about this chapter?

What was your favorite quote?

In the past I always had the fear of losing the love I thought I had. Now I understand that fear is not part of love. To be honest, I don't remember the last time I used that word with a man/lol. Guess it was my way of protecting my insides.

I just watched 4 nights of "Pretty Women" on cable at my daughter's and so glad I did. I guess they had a marathon of 4 nights of 2 sets of back to back and girl, I sat my you know what and watched. I know the movie is 22 years old, never saw it before and really not a TV or movie person - but I was mean't to see this movie.

It renewed my hope of one day meeting a man that I can have a healthy interaction with. Hmmm, now I know what "healthy" means. Took being homeless in my 50's to understand this. Here I was trying too hard to hang on to someone that only cared about himself and his ego. The sad part, I saw the signs back in 2008 but as usual, I chose to ignore the signs.

LOL, now I pay attention to life's signs = they help to protect you and nudge you in the direction you need to take.

I know when I am ready, that special someone will arrive. Right now I am focused on getting back Angela. The Angela she lost for the past 4 years. What a waste, but never too late to break bad habits.

Sounds like you are healing quite nicely.

The first time I read this chapter, I focused on how the other person was not managing their part of the relationship properly.

The 2nd time I read the book and this chapter, I thought I should define love for the other person so that they could start working on these areas.

The 3rd time around, I realized, if I was really managing my part, I would be able to accept that the other person was just what they were. If I am managing my 50% from love, then I would be okay with who the other person had decided to be. That is, I would understand that either I could stay and handle it or I could leave and move on, not attempting to change that person. Not being burdened with, "why doesn't he love me better?" Understanding that what the other person is giving is the best they have to offer at this time. Either it works for me or I deserve something different.

So true Yvonnie!

I cringe when I hear the word "love" - why? Love has so many different meanings.

I tell my daughter every day that I now go by "actions" - folks can tell you what you want to hear or what they want you to believe. LOL, learn't that from my ex.

What I will accept as of today from anyone, not just men - I have to ENJOY your company! I don't want to "put up" with you and I don't want you "putting up with me" - this is something my daughter and myself are dealing with right now.

LOL, we do better apart = missing each other, and then give us exactly 24 hours (may be less) - we are ready to go somewhere apart.

I think she is finally understanding what I am now teaching her - we care about each other, but when her apartment lease expires the end of this November - that is it for us. I am very nervous about where I will end up, but am focused on getting my life back on track between now and then. Yes, I am angry about having to start over again - would have been easier staying with him financially, but I was dying. And the death was more rapid when Jeremiah ran away. Gone was my playmate and love! Sad when you depend on a dog for this. As I told my ex, when I use to talk to him - it was like I was in his house, but alone. LOL, the man thought I was totally crazy = then I would get the usual routine - how ungrateful I was. Yes, he had a house that looked like an African Art Museum - but I am so not into things, never have. I moved to be with him - travel, talk, love and so on.

Once he realized he could not control me any more, his other person came out = rejection big time. No sex, no talking - you know the routine.

He knew exactly how to get his message across = at this point Jeremiah had run away and I was ready to do the same. No more trying to work things out!

Jeremiah the Messenger. Amazing how the Universe talks to us in all kinds of ways.

Wow, I did not realize his name mean't this - thank you Yvonnie, now I UNDERSTAND!!!!

He delivered his "message" and left for his NEXT assignment....

Closure at last

I hear what you�re saying Angela. I�m very introverted and get emotionally involved moreso in movies, books,etc, when it comes to relationships, I�m all about ACTION, ACTION, ACTION. When I was in college, my girlfriends and I had a huge problem with guys who would take our number, say they would call, but then did not. I had good intuition back then. I never got serious with someone who was undependable.

That skill�knowing who was and wasn�t dependable--paid off in the long run. When you are at home with a newborn and a toddler, you need a partner who will pick up the formula and diapers on their way home from work without complaint. I chose well and have that in my husband. I forgot our daughter�s school supply list on a recent trip to Walmart, but my husband remembered. I don�t think I ever loved him more when he pulled out that piece of paper.

ACTION is where the love is.

Well, I have to admit, I do think we can have *some* expectations. Years ago from either a magazine article or a self help book, I learned this trick. When a woman goes to a man with a problem, his nature is to try to give you a solution, but many times women just want to be heard (or perhaps to spread around that emotional poison from chapter 2. Kidding...LOL). So what I learned to do is to think about what I want from the conversation *before* I enter into it. I'd say something like. "I just want to tell you this, I don't need a response." Then I'll tell him, get it off my chest, to share or whatever, as instructed he'd say nothing and we'd move on.

But if I wanted his advice, I'd say *before* the conversation: "I do want to know what you think of this." Then I'd say my piece, he'd tell me what he thought.

I swear, knowing how to do this changed my life. It worked like a charm. I'd get what I needed out of intense conversations. And I think this does involve having some expectations of people and instructing them on aspects of their behavior around you. But you can't of course do a complete overhaul of a person. If that is the case, then the relationship will not work.

Another example is that I have a girlfriend who would bring up a subject which was hurtful to me. One day I told her to never bring it up again and she hasn't ten years later! I think it is okay to ask people to change in small ways for you, especially if you are willing to do the same for them.

Again as I said regarding chapter 3, no emotion is involved, it's pure negotiation and "love" is not hanging in the balance.

So TRUE Leah - that word ACTION!!!!

Sad that I just learn't the importance of it but now I do and will not accept anything but healthy actions. No one is perfect, so I am not looking for perfection. I do believe in being able to discuss things, but when it is the same issue over and over = person cannot change, you cannot change or neither wants to/lol.

This is a word I am working on with my adult daughter while I stay with her. It has been a journey of "stress" on both sides as we do better apart. But life has a way of organizing things for us and we do not understand at the time - but now I am. This time is for US to work things out and move on.

I had to explain to her that I knew a long time ago that we are too much alike to be up under each other too much/lol. She use to take it personally, but now at age 25 she is understanding.

Thank you so much for responding and your story gives me HOPE! Hope that I have learn't a lot from the "hell" I just went through for 4 years and knowing I have the CHOICE to not have a repeat performance. Yikes!!! I don't care how handsome or rich he is - I am making a u-turn ASAP, not 4 years later. You are so right, we have to determine we are worth the effort of doing the u-turn when our insides are telling us to.

You are awesome Leah!!!!