It's often difficult to understand just how we can end up in an abusive relationship. It can be a physical, verbal or emotionally abusive union.

What many people don't understand is that they weren't always like that in the beginning and it's that image of what they pretended to be that keeps a person hoping they'll go back someday to what they once were.

Thing is, they never were that person you're hoping they'll return to being.

How did you meet your abuser? Did they pursue you relentlessly? Were you maybe not at your strongest leaving yet another relationship that also wasn't good for you? Share your story.

It's extremely hard for me to call him an abuser as I often find myself counting the number of incidents that have occurred during the course of our relationship. He's lightly slapped me twice but it didn't hurt nite did it leave a bruise. He's choked me twice but maybe it was because he was drinking. He threatens me but it's because he loves me and he doesn't want to leave me.These are the things that I often tell myself.When I met him he wanted to be in a committed relationship very fast and told me how he couldn't live without me. I've never been in an abusive or dysfunctional relationship, but he has admitted to being in one in the past but has received help. Also he works for an agency that helps women escape abusive relationships which was very strange to me.However, I feel like I love him and I don't know if I'm ready to leave :-(.

I believe it's very difficult for a person to come to terms with being abused. Primarily, I feel it has to do with the "capture" or image associated with the feelings that let them in, in the first place, love, desire, passion, thrill, etc. and there's usually something in there that makes you feel sorry for them too. They were a victim of this or that...

For me, I met my first dysfunctional partner through a friend. I wasn't interested in a relationship at the time. He was patient and determined. His words, "Well, since I can't live without you, I'll settle for being your best friend for the rest of your life."

My parents realy liked him, though I had reservations. He proposed twice over 3 years and shared intimate details of being a victim as a small child. I felt I could help.

One night while babysitting for a friend, myself and the two girls I was watching fell asleep while watching a movie. I had a girl in each arm. He choked me because we fell asleep in the bed.

He had never done anything like that before, but from that point on it opened the door to further abuse.

I had an attorney tell me because I had no witnesses and didn't keep photos, "I've seen worse cases of abuse." I said, so have I but that doesn't make this any less of a case in itself. I just wanted him to get counseling.

I don't understand all this choking. Hands around your throat, throttling? Using objects to strangle with? It never occurred to me that non murderers would actually choke someone. I thought abusers did more hitting.

nope, they choke. that was my abusers MO. he'd force his forearm across my windpipe until i lost consciousness, left no marks. most abuser know better than to leave marks, especially the serial abusers (like mine).

Choking was my husband's favourite - as you say 'bruisednotbroken' it never left marks. He didn't use the forearm technique though, and was all hands...he would get me onto the bed so that my head was just over the edge, kneel on my body and strangle away. Over 10 years I got so used to the warning signs that I started taking off my glasses first in case things went further (glasses are expensive to replace!) Though, he also liked punching (very hard) the sides of my head (can't see under hair), and twisting my nipples to the point of nausea (again, not obvious to anyone other than him). To answer the original question - and I KNOW what you're all thinking...I met him online in a chat room, though we lived in different countries and talked on the phone/online for over a year before meeting in person. The signs were there from the begining but I put it down to 'cultural differences.' Silly girl.

Wow. I really had no idea about this kind of stuff happening.

Would taking self defense classes help? Would having the power to fight off and take out your abuser help?

Jilly, I'm really glad that you weren't aware of this, no one should have to be! To be honest, before I got married I thought stuff this severe only happened in movies. When I was younger I'd watched 'Enough' with Jennifer Lopez and thought it seemed crazy that anyone could be in a situation like that...little did I know then! A few people have suggested self defense classes to me, at this point just to let off some of the built up pain and aggression I'd stored over the years...I'm quite lazy unfortunately but it's probably EXACTLY what I need! I think all women should consider learning it, even if just to build confidence. Though sadly, in situations of domestic violence, you can be beaten black and blue and either you're too frozen to defend yourself or have just given up over time. Sometimes, and I know this sounds mad, you don't want to hurt him...we are truly complex creatures!

I think self-defense classes are better for those who have been abused to get more in touch with their own bodies and develop self-confidence, but not for stopping their abusers while they are actively in a relationship with them.

Abusers live to dominate - that is what they understand. Take him out, and he will wake up and you are going to be #1 on his hunt down and teach a lesson list. If you mean taking classes and staying in the bad relationship, not so much a good idea. Plus, there is the i-don't-want-to-fight thing Cerulean mentioned above.

Some abusers understand that terminating the relationship means they can't play their games, or that they need to learn a better way of relating. Some don't care, and only understand dominating.

So, self-defense classes might help when leaving an abuser and they are escalated and may come after you, but it will do nothing while in the relationship and there are no changes.

and yes, they are great for relieving built up anger and aggression in a safe environment.

CD, I guess 'complicated' is the right way to look at it. It seems insane to put up with that kind of awful behavior, but i am sure it's so involved and complex that when you are in the experience it isn't so simple.

Lisa, that is really scary about the escalating from fighting back. The police are no help?

What if you accidently kill your abuser while fighting back? I am not sure what I am suggesting here. But if that did happen, do these cases fall under self defense?

You're right about serial or repeting abusers utilizing choking as their preferred method. It leaves less evidence. The only other method that leaves fewer is emotional abuse...woman always coming last in a relationship but w/criticism after criticism. Just another form of control.

Every relationship has their secrets, but this type of person goes out of their way to hide it. They understand, legally and to friends and family, "physical evidence" is not their friend.

You mentioned "cultural differences." This, actually, I've been coming across more frequently with abused women, I'd say moreso in the past 5-7 yrs.

They meet online as talking pals saying they're lonely or simply always there then a romance develops. The ones I've been coming across have mostly to do w/eastern idiologies/religion.

The person usually leaves their country, comes here and what I've been hearing anyway some are being sought out to impregnate...then they go back to their contry taking the child/children w/them.

Whether children are involved or not, though, slowly the situation turns oppressive and the female holds back, trying to make sense being told, "They don't understand" and the woman continues to try harder TO understand.

It turns almost into mind control. The woman in turn situations are told they "have no rights."

But a true Spiritual religion isn't hurtful or abusive, it's loving, supportive and embraces all the beauty life has to offer.

Self defense, yes, it would be empowering and initially you may not feel you've the energy to do it, but it would help, down the road, if you ever DO have the energy and the mindset to leave for good. There's another reality waiting out there, it's just hard for it to present itself when a person uses all of their core to heal, just to be broken once again for the enjoyment of another person. IT's your power and only you can claim it back.

I met my abuser at 15yrs old , He was 24
I left home at 15 to escape the sexual abuse from my father who was still abusing me at 15
Well some would say i jumped out of the frying pan into the fire
The abuse has stopped now 50yrs after
Our children, and grandchildren are grown
And we are no longer together as a couple
But living apart we are best friends
He will be 75yrs old this year
I had a life time of abuse
I pray I will NOT aloud any one to abuse me again

Jilly, I for one never contacted the police about the abuse...first of all, I was WAY to scared to do that (in case they couldn't help, that would pretty much be a death sentence!) When I did leave and he kept emailing me/calling my work, I went to the police who said I could take him to court to get a restraining order (i.e. I'd have to SEE him in court to request NOT to see him). I'm sure some women are more brave than I was and do involve the police, but I never even considered it! I did think a few times about what would happen if I killed him when he was hurting me. I don't know what the laws in the UK are like regarding that, but I just assumed the worst (considering I'd never reported him to the police, and had never taken photos of any bruises, and never told a soul what was happening...what proof would I have that I hadn't just killed him for no reason?)

@ Jilly - police dont' show up instantly. Evidence is tough to get. In Alaska, we have a law that if there is any probably cause when the police show up, they have to make an arrest. this helps some, but still, having probable cause to the outside observer isn't always easy to get.
We also have a law that an additional charge is made for trying to interfere with reporting DV. so, if you call for help and your abuser smacks the phone out of your hand, or chokes you while on the phone, it adds to his laundry list. That is, if the police get there and get the probable cause. Alaska laws reflect what the rest of most of the nation is trying to do, so it is relevant to the overall audience of this forum. Much of Europe has tried to address the same behaviors.
So - I guess the way to sum up is actually understanding the power, control and manipulation that occur in DV. Until everyone in our society understands how to relate in an equal way, rather than getting one up over another, I believe DV will continue to exist in some form.

Rosie, I didn't know. I am sorry to hear about so much of your time spent abused. Hugs.

Hugs to all of you. You are brave women.

Lisa, you wrote:

"I guess the way to sum up is actually understanding the power, control and manipulation that occur in DV."

Maybe a key is to learn to identify warning signs before getting in too deep? I'd be curious to hear what those might be.

As for police not getting there in time, it seems like I would go straight from being hurt right to the police station, file a report and have them take whatever photographic evidence is visible. Start a record and date everything. Make a huge paper trail. Tell everyone.

Does no one do this?

Jilly, that's actually a really good point!

When I first met my abuser, he wasn't abusive. Steady job, athletic, enjoyed traveling. Before the abuse, I was very (hate to say it) but very Ghandi like in feeling, I'd rather be killed than to ever harm another entity.

Having been through it though, if I came into abuse again, which isn't likely, I've learned, you can't help someone that doesn't want to help or change themselves, no matter how much you love them.

But, at this juncture in my life, an abuser, if they unleashed on my or my child's being, would meet their maker and could take up their lame excuses over there... This time if I went down, all of Heaven and Earth wouldn't stop me from fighting back.

Having said this though, without evidence, that decision would land me in jail even though I was fighting for my life. It's self-defense, but,I know enough now to have a hidden disposable cell phone, cash on hand, call the police and absolutely have EVIDENCE!!!!! Go to the doctor or at least have a friend take photos.

Jilly, I am so glad you are asking these questions. Your questions are giving a great platform for those who have been through and gotten out of DV relationships to destroy misconceptions and pass on wise advice.

I really felt like I could change someone if I just loved them enough. If you stop and think about that, and really listen to it - I was putting myself in God's shoes, as well as not taking into account another independent humans choice for self-determination. It is my own personal spiritual beliefs (not necessarily due to any particular traditions I follow) that I had to learn a big lesson if that is what I thought. And I did.

Generally speaking, Jilly, your plan to go directly to police for photographing bruises, etc., enforcing consequences is good advice.

As for the warning signs, I have a list around someplace from the classes I took at my local DV shelter that has several warning signs. Once someone who was a victim really gets their eyes opened, its almost like we have radar to identify abusers.

Jeanette has a nice article that is quick read at http://www.bellaonline.com/articles/art9585.asp

I will see if I can dig up my laundry list of warning signs, and if it is something I can post.

Oh, and I totally get what Elliese is saying about what she would do now. I would do whatever it takes to fully and completely sever ties and protect myself, children and loved ones.

okay, I went through my stuff and didn't see a specific laundry list. I guess we just wrote them on the board. A lot.
This link has them : http://www.northwestern.edu/womenscenter...ive-person.html

Early on, the things to really watch for are the quick involvement, unrealistic expectations, and blaming everyone else for how they feel.

The quick involvement is the relationship that goes really fast. He meets you, flatters you, wants to spend all of his and your free time together, and often pushes the limits physically as well. Example, if your kissing, his hands wander, you push them away, and two seconds later his hands wander again.

Unrealistic expectations - this starts out as flattery stuff, usually. He tells you your great, you make him feel wonderful, in fact, you make all kinds of things happen for him that are really not you. This has an over-the -top quality compared to normal rose colored glasses of new relationships. He gives you credit for his emotions way more than is possible.

Which leads into the blaming others. Nothing is EVER this guys fault. If he got angry, it was because someone else MADE him that way. An example warning sign early on could be getting super angry at the waitstaff at a restaurant for screwing up yours or his order, and the words are so often there. It's often "You make me..." Some abusers really sound like they are total victims in life - my ex is definitely in that category. His boss wouldn't tell him when he was supposed to show up for work, and thats why he got fired. He didn't win the contest because the female judges were all man haters and idiots, when in reality he didn't follow the rules. Abusers are rarely able to identify how they contributed to a bad situation, aside from "trusting someone they shouldn't have."

oh, and I have met guys who would tell me in the first 30 min of meeting them that they had DV charges filed or convictions against them. Some admitted to being stupid, and some blamed their ex-girlfriends. I got really good at asking to look at their Drivers license pictures to "just see how the photo looked" to get their legal names and run them in the public court records Alaska has.

A lot of the early stuff is manipulation to get you sucked in. Once you are sucked in, at some point, the nastiness comes out and reveals itself. You get angry, he tries to persuade you not to be upset by being on good behavior, and then the cycle goes on. Many victims feel that no one will believe them, and that the victim will be blamed.

After I left my ex, I found that almost everyone I knew disliked him and wondered when I was going to wake up.
My ex's mother still claims I am a liar and her son is perfect. I watched her son call her F***ing B**** on several occasions. She told me that he has threatened her physically repeatedly, but that it isn't a big deal, and I shouldn't have thought it was either. Publicly, she is all deny, deny, deny. No surprise really why he believes that behavior is acceptable.

Oh, yeah, watch the relationship with Mom. Lack of respect is a big clue. Even if they seem close, or not, just a major lack of respect is a possible clue.

Lisa, those are excellent cues. I can't see having the tolerance for someone moving that fast, or someone never shouldering the blame for anything. It all seems very insecure.

Maybe it's hard to detect when you are in it, but just hearing about it sounds like I would not like a man like that.

These signs - this is the kind of thing that should be taught to girls in high school. Why not? We are all pulled aside to talk about our bodies around puberty. I think this would be an excellent addition around sophomore and junior years.

I think it is difficult for some women to identify what is really going on. If they grew up in a home where they were taught that men are just that way or should be catered to, or that they should always be lying and supportive and then others will come around, then these women will feel that the early flattery and speed in the relationship are gratifying and not creepy.
I know that the middle school I work at has a young teen version that the kids learn about in their health class. The power and control wheel vs. the equal relationship wheel that are rewritten to apply to teen dating are reviewed.http://www.fairfaxcounty.gov/dsm/dviolence/links/pcw_teen.pdf
and http://www.fairfaxcounty.gov/dsm/dviolence/links/ew_teen.pdf
I think sophomore and junior year of high school nationwide should be a minimum, for boys and girls. the boys need to know the expectations, and get good grounding in equal relationships. In areas where the DV rates are sky-high (like Alaska), equal relationship skills needs to be integrated into the school environment, similar to a lot of the anti-bullying stuff that is being adopted. The two things actually dovetail together really well.
So, there is hope for future generations! The information on what healthy relationships look like is available, its just getting people around to thinking like that.

I was the victim of domestic violence this past week. My boyfriend who loved me, and I was the best thing ever and he wanted to spend rest of his life with me, would never hurt me, blah blah blah. He said such great things, we always always had such fun times. He and did so many wonderful things together and then he started drinking more and more and getting angry while drinking. Two weeks ago he got upset with me said I lied to him about how many men I slept with. He choked me, slapped me, and slammed my hand in a door. Ok, we made it through that. he said he has never been that way before and his drinking and depression got ahold of him and that he was So so sorry he hurt me. Well just this last weekend, he was drinking agian, drinking a lot. He beat the [censored] out of me. Punches to face and head, back and stomach Kicks to the back and stomach, chocking etc. it was awful. Ive never been in such a situation. But the thing is that this is just happening recently. Could a person just all of a sudden start abusing woman? he is 38 and I find hard to believe that he has not done this before. WE have been dating a short time 6 months. But boy I sure did fall for him. I love him. I have never in my life felt a rush over my body when someone would just hold my hand. I haven't seen him since he beat me up exactly one week ago. But he has been calling/emailing/texting etc that he really does love me and he is going to quit drinking and get help. Could someone really change? How could I be the only person a 38 year old man has done this to? I find that hard to believe. im just lost, hurt, I do love him and am holding on to all of the fun and good times and serious love we have shared in the past 6 months. Something I haven't felt. Is that just part of the abuser way? To charm, make you fall in love so they can control you? Confused...

Wow, I hope someone gets back to you on this soon. It sounds to me like not seeing him is the best and only thing to do. Stay strong!

jdubb1980, whether you are the first person he has physically abused in this particular manner or not, he did do these things to you.
It is unlikely that a man would make it to the age of 38 before committing this type of abuse if he had a value system that leads to abuse. The likelihood of it doesn't really matter - it doesn't change what happened to you.
The cycle of abuse is exactly what you are describing - you get pulled in to a wonderful, fantastic relationship that is just great and then things start to sour in a big way.
Staying away from him is wise. Drugs only lower inhibition, they are not the cause of abuse. If he has a drug or drinking problem, he would need to get help for his addiction AND his battering in order to improve, and even then, he may still be prone to control and power plays in his relationships. That type of help would take several months.
Abusers also often promise to change to get someone back into a relationship, and then the abuser does not follow through on their promises to change.
It is your life, with you in control and able to make your own decisions. Being with someone who treats you with respect and is safe to be around are really important.

It also sounds like his violence was escalating.

I first met my abuser when I was 17. We reconnected a year and a half ago shortly after he was released from prison for cutting his now ex-wife's throat, practically killing her. That was the first warning sign. But he told me how she was abusive toward him for so long and finally he just snapped. Right. I was just getting out of a relationship and we fell hard for each other. After our first night together he was calling me all the time, texting me how he's been looking for a woman like me his whole life amd he'd finally found her. He told me how proud of me he was for my accomplishments and how amazing of a person I had become. He asked me to move in with him one month after we started dating.. We went on vacation together and I shared a story about how I had been slipped a rufie and was forced to give this guy head and he totally freaked. He told me he wanted to throw me off the roof when I told him that. Another sign. Next came the systematic control: who I could hang out with, when and where I could go places, forcing me to do things that made me feel very uncomfortable. God, I should have taken these signs seriously and not been blinded by the passion and intensity. They were so blatant and obvious that I feel like a fool. As far as the topic of the police, I know that if I were to call the police on him for dv, since he has priors, he'd go to prison for a very long time, and would most likely kill me before the pilice got to him, or have his brother kill me while he was in prison. Fear keeps me from dialing that number, even after taking a servere beating and having guns pointed at my head and knives held against my femoral artery. I have taken self defense, but clearly not enough because he always manages to over power me. I think of killing him often but I don't think I could ever really do it...

Jdubb- if you can manage to hear these stories and run the other way as fast as you can- do so. He will not change and you will find yourself deeper and deeper into the flames of your abusers hell like all of us, until you can't take it any more. Be strong and don't look back. If I could have at the early stage of my relationship I would have, but I was to stupid and thought something like this could never happen to an intelligent, strong woman like me. Not true, abusers can manipulate any one, no matter what. They will prey on your weaknesses, sniffing them out like a blood hound, weakening you until you are a shadow of your former self. I am now so isolated and controlled I don't know what to do or how to do it, so I remain living with the thought that any moment I might have to run for my life and survive off of my survival instinct alone. I live my life now with a safety box outside just in case. It is a horrible way to live. I hope you can prevent this from happening to you. The only way is to run the other way. Good luck and be strong.

Wishingstar, i am relieved to hear you have an escape plan. Did you seek a women's abuse shelter for advice? What do you recommend other women do to find someone to talk to and make a plan with?

Follow up to my story. So him and I had been communicating via text. And I wanted so bad so bad to believe that he didn't mean to do that. He said that he was going to get help and that he had never ever hit a woman before. We have not seen each other since. But we have cried on the phone together for hours etc..exchanged very caring loving words. He has tried to make me feel guilty for the things I said to him after he hit me like "I hate you" "How could you do this, you lied, you said you loved me" .He said that me telling him that he didn't or doesn't love me has hurt him so much. blah blah. So last night I get a call from him, that and he wants to admit to me that he made a online dating profile. Said he made it the Sunday after the major incident. which would have been just around 36 hours after he beat me up. He told me because the dating website shows who has viewed your profile and my friend ended up seeing his profile. I just don't understand how someone who said these things to me could go and make a dating profile just so soon after a indicent like that. Just hours. He told me that he was feeling really down and he wanted someone to make him feel "funny and cute" because all he was hearing from me was that I hated him. funny and cute, really. You want to feel funny and cute while I am at home crying with black eye, broken nose and misc bruises all over. And if this was an isolated incident. How could you even want to feel funny and cute less than 2 days after this. Wouldn't you feel so guilty and ashamed of your actions. Wouldnt that have been traumatic for you. And he wanted to go online and have other woman give him some "positive affirmation" I am glad that I chose to not see him. His personality is so textbook. But so much of me still feels in love with this person he had me believing he was.

Where to begin... It was fate that I met my husband. It was 4th of July. I had had plans to go out of town with a few friends. My plans fell through last minute and I found myself buying a few beers, sitting on my porch alone (I never drank alone, it was just the circumstances that led me there), enjoying a beautiful afternoon when he came walking up the street. He tilted his head to the side and gave me a half smile. He walked up and asked if I had another beer and I said yeah. His cousin kept walking up the street and the most beautiful guy joined me on my porch for a drink. He was on his way to his Aunt's house whom he had not visited in over a year. We ended up talking for 7 hours that day. He had me laughing so hard my head and sides hurt. He made me feel beautiful. He made me feel alive. The abuse worked it's way into our lives so nonchalantly. A two second choke here, a slap on the head there. It would be months between episodes. Over the course of a year and a half, the choking started lasting longer until I was afraid I was going to die. We blamed it on the liquor. He only put his hands on me when he drank it, he only put a gun to my head when he drank it. He quit drinking it. The abuse stopped for nearly four year... four years! The abuse stopped long enough for us to get married, plan a child, and become 4 months pregnant. Then it was too late, or so I felt. The abuse came back full force without the excuse of alcohol. He knocked me out while pregnant, about bit my nose off, threatened to kill me if I ever took his children away. I was married and pregnant, his property in his eyes. He was never going to let me go now. I tried leaving him twice over the next few years but I was terrified. I never went further than our mutual friends house next door. He wasn't worried about me being there because he could watch me. I knew that the only way to get out was to disappear. I talked about leaving in another post. I ran as fast as I could, I'm still looking over my shoulder. I avoided family, moved to a state where I knew only one person, disappeared for fear of my life as well as my childrens. It hasn't been easy. Wish it didn't have to be this way. Still love my husband, crazy as it may seem. How can I love someone I know would kill me given a chance. I finally faced my fear and moved home to family (states away from my husband). Why did I stay? I saw warning signs but I felt I could change him, or that they were minor, or that my mom lived through worse, or I was happy most of the time. He only threatened to kill me every other month or so, I could deal with that to have a wonderful family, right? WRONG! My only consolence is that my children were meant to be. I wish I could have had them with someone else. I wish I wasn't a single mother. I wish my children had a good male role model. I wish my husband was normal and loved me the way I deserve to be loved. I was strong. I watched my mom be abused until I turned 10 when my dad became sick and was no longer physically able to abuse her. I got straight A's in school, went to college, majored in Psychology and Sociology so I could understand the human mind, volunteered at a domestic violence shelter, started babysitting at 10 yrs old and working a regular job at 16 so I would never have to depend on a man. I was independent with experience and knowledge to protect me from ever becoming like my mom. No man was ever going to put his hands on me. It all came down to he made me laugh. He got me hooked then the abuse didn't seem so major. I rationalized that at least it wasn't as bad as my mom. It's crazy... The dream of what could be was so powerful. I had to kill that dream in order to leave. I had to realize it for what it was, a hope not based on reality. I still love him, the 90% of him that was wonderful, funny, respectful, and loving. I had to realize that that did not make the other 10% okay. Unfortunately, it took seeing terror in my sons eyes to wake me up. Fortunately it wasn't too late to leave. It's never too late to leave until you are dead.