I have been away from the forum for a while, and have not read much or checked in lately, but here I am. The violence has been escalating. It went from verbal and emotional to physical, and has been getting worse. 2 weekends ago, my boyfriend repeatedly elbowed me in the head with one arm while clutching (and ripping out) my hair with his other hand. He did this because I refused to give him $20 for drugs. I managed to escape the car and ran off and hid in the bushes. I found my way to my car and returned home to get my things, because I was going to leave. He pulled up at the same time. I posted up in the neighbors carport and watched him as he exited the house carrying armfulls of my clothes. He proceeded to the back yard where he started a fire. He continued until most all of my clothes were torched. I called him and asked him why he was torching my clothes and he said "come here so we can talk about it." I refused, I snuck off and went and slept in my car. The next morning I had every intention of leaving. I returned to the house to get a few things. His car wasn't there so I assummed he wasn't there. Bad assumption. He came to the door as I was unlocking it. Forced me inside and made me strip off my clothes. The house was in complete dissaray. The clothes he hadn't torched, he had ripped to shreds and he had destroyed all of my jewelry which was all over the floor. He ripped apart my feather comforter and my 2 sheep skin rugs. He forced me to give him oral sex. He crammed himself down my throat violently as I cried. I did not resist because I knew he would give it to me worse. He tortured me for a few hours, keeping me prisoner in our room, and at one point threatened to throw me out of the house naked. Finally we both fell asleep. When we awoke, he was a completely different person. He was the man I love. The man who couldn't believe what he had done, appologized repeatedly, swore to God he would never lay a finger on me or destroy any of my belongings. I want to believe him, because I love him, and I feel sick for allowing someone to treat me in such a way. I live in fear of when the next moment he will snap will be, and what he will do to me. I want to believe he will stop, and never hurt me again, but I am so scared because his anger is so unpredictible. I have an escape plan, but am waiting for the right moment. I hate this feeling, and I hate that my life has come to this. How can I love some one who would hurt me so bad?

Please leave now, while he is in a good mood and not giving you violence. You have been raped and tortured. Use your plan and stay somewhere safe while you think about the next step. Use the resources of your community to hide and work out the rest.

Please.

you're living in an obsessive love relationship controlled entirely by drugs and raw emotional adrenaline and your piece of sh*t bf is too spun out to stop. honestly, you're too addicted to him to leave him, the only thing that will work in keeping you apart long enough for the fog and shame and high and fear and desire and lust and terror to clear so that you can get back in control of your own thoughts and actions? set him up and SEND HIS [censored] TO PRISON. period. because he'll kill you, is he smoking meth? he'll kill you... no doubt about it. happens all the time. he'll choke you just a little too long next time, don't let it happen. don't be another statistic.

You hit the nail on the head. One word:

ESCALATES

That will always, upon always, be the cycle and ironically for some women, they're 100% addicted to the attention they get during the "Honeymoon Phase." That's how an abuser usually gets their prey to begin with...showering someone with low self-esteem with determination and compliments.

At some point you need to ask yourself a question. Look in the mirror (a physical mirror) and you may not like what you see at first, but imagine yourself as a child or during a happier time and contimplate.

IS your life really worth puting on a table and dying for your abuser?

If in good conscience you're contented they are, you know. If there's a light inside no matter how small that can't fathom a creator taking the effort of making a human life to simply squander it away on somebody eles's defficiencies...that's an answer you can begin making some changes with.

I have never been in such a sick relationship. He tells me that if I submit myself fully to him we will have no problems, that I am the one who pushes him to act violently because I am not obedient. I tell him that he pushes my buttons and I get angry, but in his mind I am to put my emotions aside because I know he has an anger/violence problem. I am supposed to be the one to calm him down. he says that I have the control to either escalate things or put an end to them. I just don't understand how it is all my responsibility. If I leave I will lose everything. If I stay I risk losing everything. It is such a horrible position to be in. I feel so alone.

And to answer your question BNB, no, not meth, mostly coke, but occasionally crack. I do not do either.

well honey you're not alone, i may be a stranger but i know *exactly* what you're going through. my abuser nearly killed me on several occasions but the adrenaline rush of running for my life and then, missing the chaos so desperately and wanting to go through hell all over again was so addictive i didn't want to break the cycle. as crazy as this may sound, i really wanted him to kill me. the rush of being choked until i lost consciousness was some sort of game with which i didn't care whether i won or lost. and each time i lived, i asked for more. i was like, give me all you've got motherf*c*er because i don't care if you kill me. and i didn't. and then i felt stronger, worthy, loyal. and then he'd nurse me back to health, say he'd die for me, say i was meant for him and only him. and i ate that sh*t up with a spoon... until one night, he was so out of his f*c*ing mind on drugs that he choked me while i was driving... i ended up crashing my car, somehow stumbling out of the car and running for my life. i suddenly didn't want to die after i realized he REALLY WAS GONNA KILL ME. hahaha no idea why i suddenly had a moment of clarity but at that moment i just wanted to live. long story short, i went into hiding and he went to prison. i got another old man and once he got out, he moved along to the next victim. and yep, he beat her [censored] too and ended up right back in prison. so listen, i'm here for you. if only to listen, i'm here for you.

Wow, Bruised, that is amazing that you got out. It's a terrible cycle but you managed to break it. Kudos to you!

honestly, i was rescued by the system because when he went to prison the control he had over me was finally forced to break. he could no longer dictate my every thought, move or emotion even if i still desperately "needed" him to. i went through withdrawals for years just like you would from a drug. i felt lost without him but by then my secret was out and family kept me straight. in retrospect, knowing what i know now, i would have stayed closer to my family. he isolated me and that was how all the abuse was able to take place. it was us against the world he'd say, when in reality it was him against me.

It's one of the most suffocating feelings there is. When a person is being abused everything is backwards. Your world, you are brain-washed into questioning everything real and implementing their version of the truth, all while trying to act normal at a job, for the kids, walking on eggshells etc. Left is right and up is down and usually they isolate you from others, so the only words of truth you hear are theirs.

See, they know they are lying to you and are threatened by any externals.

When a person has an addiction though, you're not just dealing with the physical blows. You're competing against a substance and with that you will always lose. It isn't human and hasn't a weakness.

I know you feel alone, but it only seems that way. And whatever you feel you stand to lose on the one hand or risk losing on the other, it seems whatever it looks like you have has already been lost. So, you can only stand to gain once you walk out that door

If you don't look back once the latch closes behind you, you will immediately gain a new perspective...