Jilly.....I have been there. It can take a long time to fully let go. I had to let go of a man I believed was my soulmate, whom I knew for 19 years and was married to for 16 years. He wanted out and he wanted to be with another woman. We always got along well and yet at the end of our marriage things got very ugly. There was so much pain.....the rejection, betrayal, the loss of my best friend and lover, the loss of my home, my financial security, and so many other things.

I did not contact him for much of anything after the divorce unless it was absolutely necessary. I put distance between us but I was very depressed for a very long time, missing what we once had. I went on to another relationship, but it was way too soon after the divorce, and now I know to wait until I am healed before getting involved with another man. I was depressed over losing my husband for 2 long years, even though I was involved with someone else. The pain took a long time to let go of and I had carried the baggage into my new relationship.

I had to work on my inner being and address my spirituality. I had to be proactive in letting go on the inside because I was tired of living and feeling the way I did. I conquered my depression and I finally moved on, but it did take a very long time for me. Now I feel absolutely nothing in regards to my ex-husband. I am grateful. Hanging on was pure hell.

Cassie67,
Thank you so much for sharing your story. I know they say when you feel absolutely nothing (sad, happy, hatred), then it's a sign that you've truly let go. The funny thing is I always imagine they've totally let go and it's me holding on to the pain and torture, a small part of me hoped that he was going through pain too, but we have to heal ourselves - as you beautifully said - work on our inner beings. It's not an overnight process.

Thanks for sharing your stories, guys. I really appreciate hearing your insights.

I finally changed out the wallpaper on my cell phone and used a photo from a camping trip i took all alone. it reminds me how fearless i am and how much i love to do things like that, and on my own terms.

Dan leaves next week. I am dreading this. He feels really badly about choosing his mom over me, but not badly enough to stay with me.

Dianne, it is very true.....they always let go way before we do. By the time they serve us the papers, they have already moved on in many cases. Women are notoriously the more emotional of the sexes, and we tend to hang on tighter to what we cared so much about. If the divorce was the man's idea and they have another woman in the picture, then they don't feel nearly as much pain as we do, if any at all. Men move on while we torture ourselves. It definitely was torture I put myself through, and for what I do not know, because now it all seems so senseless. There was no way to bring my husband back to me.

The timing of fully and actively letting go all depends on our own personal strength to heal ourselves. I had been through a few bad years before the divorce, so by the time the divorce happened there was nothing inside me left to fight for my emotional and mental health. It took a long time for me to finally say "enough is enough". I had to end the suffering for myself. It takes time and dedication to find your inner strength, recognize your personal value, and to love yourself enough again to demand more for yourself than to suffer over someone and something that is long gone. The pain is real, but it can be overcome.

Jilly......you are doing well, letting go in small increments as you are able to. That is wise, the baby steps. Good for you.

Dan has made his choice and I can see how hurtful this is for you. He chose his mother over you? That is incredible, and it does show how immature he really is. So many men are, and it does not matter how old they are. If Dan can't leave his mommy to have an adult relationship then all he wants to be is a perpetual child. I am sorry, Jilly.

You will be ok. You already know you are independent and strong. You have your own interests and you will keep busy. In time the right guy will come along who loves and respects you for who you are, and will share in your interests right along with you.

For now just take care of yourself and love yourself. You are worth it and you deserve it.

Jilly, Sometimes the mom has that real strong bond, especially with their sons. I lost 2 husbands who moved back home to their mom. It was definitely a blow to me both times.