I'm still new to this bipolar thing. I mean, I'm not new to being bipolar, but I'm new to knowing that it is bipolar disorder. All my life, I've tried to figure out what was wrong with me. How I could be thinking the only thing to do was kill myself one day, and thinking the next day, that I must've been crazy to think that way, was more than I could understand. The problem(s) might still be there, but it seemed that I could manage them. Then, I'd be right back at doom's door again.

I knew that suicidal thoughts went along with severe depression, but if I were severely depressed, I shouldn't be having days where I had fun and felt good.

My turning point was seeing a show about Linda Hamilton's bipolar disorder. It described her mania as extreme irritability and rages. I had always read that mania was feeling on top of the world, with tons of energy. I had never had a day like that, but had many days like they described her mania. Then, last year, I experienced a full-on manic episode that I thought would kill me. I was so exhausted from lack of sleep that my eyes hurt, and I could barely hold myself up, but I couldn't shut down the thinking. My mind just kept going.

I finally faced the fact that if I'm ever going to have anything close to what most people consider a "normal" life, I will have to be medicated. I've fought it for years, but I'm tired of being tossed around by my moods. I can't plan things because I never know how I'm going to feel and if I'll be able to be around people. I'm just tired of it.

Thanks for all your comments, by the way. (I also suffer from an anxiety disorder, and believe it or not, I get anxious about even coming on this forum! Sorry for not posting before now. Got some meds yesterday...hoping to feel better soon. I've taken these meds before and felt better than I had ever felt--no highs or lows. Just steady. )