BellaOnline Forums Relationships Marriage How often should a married couple have sex?

The Bible doesn�t tell us how often a married couple should have sex, it does tell us that a couple is to abstain only when it is a mutual decision. First Corinthians 7:5 tells us, "Do not deprive each other except by mutual consent and for a time, so that you may devote yourselves to prayer. Then come together again so that Satan will not tempt you because of your lack of self-control." So, mutual consent is the "rule" for how often a married couple should have sex. The "rule" is that abstaining from sex must be agreed upon, and that even when it is agreed upon, it should only be for a short time.

Sex should not be withheld or demanded. If one spouse does not want to have sex, the other spouse should agree to abstain. If one spouse wants to have sex, the other spouse should agree. It is all a matter of compromise. We must remember that our bodies belong to our spouses, as 1 Corinthians 7:4 tells us, "The wife's body does not belong to her alone but also to her husband. In the same way, the husband's body does not belong to him alone but also to his wife." Obviously, the "sexual compromise" in marriage must be reasonable. If one spouse desires sex every day, and the other spouse once a month or less, they will have to lovingly and sacrificially agree to a compromise, a middle ground. Studies show that taking into account all age ranges, a typical married couple has sex 2 times per week.

We have about 1-4 times per week.

I feel sex should be something that is determined by both partners and as you stated, it has to be mutual.

And sometimes we have to understand that just because one partner does not want to have sex, it does not have to mean something bad.

I am learning this myself as he ages - use to get too "emotional" and when he tried to explain, did not want to hear it(lol).

Now I do, and when we do have sex, it is extra special and meaningful. I no longer keep track of how often at age 53...

I think anytime a "number" is attached to making love it becomes one more thing I must do instead of being something I desire.

LOL - I agree!

I agree.....I don't think numbers matter either, as it can vary from week to week, month to month, depending on stress, fatigue level and health of each partner, life's challenges, etc. There should be intimate time to connect with each other on a regular basis, but only when both partners are in agreement.

I personally don't think that if one person wants sex the other should agree. But that is an interesting perspective!

I think more than a couple thinks they should. Life is too short not to enjoy the gift of sex...just closing out the year on a high note. Hmmm, where is that resolutions list?

LOL Violette - thanks for the NEW YEAR chuckle

When you're a senior like yours truly, there may come a time when you don't have the choice to deal with this question any more.

Day and night if they like. Its what its for. Thats half the problem with our puritanical culture. Why do you think that we buy so many E.D. products??? Ponder that a while!!! dave

The bible also does not tell us how often to eat sweets -- yet we do so when we have the desire.

How often a couple has sex is up to the individual couple.

I believe this is a matter between a husband and wife.

It seems to become an issue only when there is a disagreement within the marriage. That is why couples turn to clergy or doctors or other outside sources to provide guidelines to establish fairness to each partner.

Every person's libido is different so I say that each partner should extend courtesy and consideration in achieving mutual satisfaction.

Very well said, Lori.

That's right, Lori. It pretty much goes along with the comments here that both people in the relationship should be comfortable with the situation and agree on when intimate time takes place. There is only a problem if one person feels slighted and their needs are not being met. Otherwise every day, once a week, once a month, whatever.....if it works for that couple and they are happy together then there is no problem.

Our numbers: without kids 4-7 times a week with kids: 1-3 times a week.

On how often a couple has sex...

What do you do if one partner says "Please"
and the other partner Always replies "NO" or "Stop it"

I have been married for just about 35 years ... and so we have 1-3 times a week maybe more it depends on the mood at the time.

Craig.....you may think it is very stoic to stay in your marriage, but it only hurts you and prevents your wife from taking positive action to increase her own happiness. You are in perpetual stagnation. As I have suggested to you some time ago, you both need to get professional counseling to repair your relationship if your wife won't respond to you sharing your thoughts, feelings, and needs with her.

I can't tell you what to do, but I hate seeing anyone who loves another to have to live in misery. Your wife has issues that can be worked on and healed, and then she can open up to your affection. I don't believe the problem lies solely with you. You are very unhappy and should do something one way or another to make a change in your life. You deserve more, even if your wife does not desire it.

I also recall Craig's situation, Debbie. You are right in what you say. However, there are trade-offs in relationships, and there are reasons why Craig and his wife stay together.

Craig: Only you can decide what you are willing to do to create a happier life. But "if you keep doing what you're doing, you'll keep getting what you're getting."

Something has to change.

Debbie, Lori,

Thank you for your advice. Since my last post we have had some counseling. It lasted only about three months because my wife was under pressure finishing her MA degree. I have improved myself by losing 85 pounds over the last two years and keeping it off. I have suggested to my wife relationship/marriage self-help books that I have read by Susan Page, but she has read not more than a couple chapters. My relationship with my wife has changed very little from my perspective. However, she thinks our relationship is relatively good, between 7 & 8 on a scale of ten. I think it is more like a 2. I have told her that I feel we act more like roommates than husband & wife or lovers. Unless, she starts to become loving in the next few months I might very likely separate. Love is not a one way street. Love needs more than a few words. Love is a verb, it requires action.

Jilly, what happens if one partner wants sex, but the other ALWAYS says NO? Should the other partner accept involuntary celibacy and deny their own feels and desires in respect of the other partner?

Craig......I understand what you are saying. I was once in a marriage where for years we had very little sex for various reasons. It was like being roommates. That lack of intimacy had a big hand in destroying the marriage completely. I learned some very tough lessons with that experience.

Having been set straight as to the benefits of sex between two people who love each other, I conducted myself differently in my next intimate relationship. It made all the difference in the world in nurturing that relationship as a whole, and also by instilling peace and joy within each person. You are right, love takes action.

I feel for you. I hope you can find fulfillment and happiness, even if it has to be with another partner. Sometimes that is the only answer when you have tried every other avenue.

My answer to this question is short and sweet: as often as they both want to! It varies from couple to couple.

Of course it does vary from couple to couple. The main thing is to meet each other's needs with love and consideration, and to maintain that intimate connection. No two relationships are the same.

That's the truth!

One variable is physical health ...