BellaOnline Forums Family Step Parenting Step Daughter has finally broken us up

Have been with SO for 15 years. Step daughter a spoiled nightmare from Day # 1. Step son was cool but we lost him in 2005 in a tragic accident. :-( Worst day ever . Since then we have been in and out of SDs life whenever she feels fit....aka whenever she feels she can get stuff from us. She is 27 now and is married with 2 kids and a SD of her own. After the last time she snubbed us I gave up trying.. Then she got married and pregnant with her baby I got in contact with her and tried to set up a dinner . I talked several times with SO about it and he said that I should work out the details. We had received an invitation to the wedding late (1 month passed the RSVP date)...but anyway I decided it was time to try again now that she was perhaps more normal ? So SO and I picked a date for all of us to have dinner, but they stood us up. Recently SO's father passed away. I was shocked at the funeral. All this time I was trying to get SO to meet his new son in law and new grandson, etc etc. , he had been actively in a relationship with SD ..and by actively I mean he would visit her whenever she would give him the go ahead ' nod' that it was okay.... Much Like a secret rendezvous...and only when she saw fit ..It's ridiculous. Been going on for 3 years. Then , both she and hubby snubbed both of us at the funeral..not sure how he fits in..perhaps he has just found out about the rendezvous as well..who knows. There was a family tree at the funeral and I was deliberately left off....of course this was made by SD. Her argument is likely that we were not marred, but neither was her aunt's SO and he made the tree. I brought in a pic of me and SD and taped it over the branch that I was missing from :-) It all sickens me.....all the conversations I had with SO about trying to get in touch with them....and he even asked me to find pics of her kids on facebook and send to him and the entire time he has been visiting her ? I kept telling him I was anxious to see the new baby and we literally talked about it all the time .....meanwhile...he had the baby in his life all of the time I just dont' get it. .Nor do I want to. Way too weird. The last time I had seen her before all the secret stuff started was at her brother's gravesite and she was a complete b---tch to her dad..we waited there for about 1.5 hours waiting for her to give him a respectful answer....she talked politely to me but snubbed him. So this was all totally shocking not to mention humiliating for me to find out. Meanwhile I was talking to her saying stuff like your Dad and I would like to see the baby and i really think it's time that your dad meets your husband. I must've been the laughing stock of the entire messed up clan. Oh ya and tif you are wondering why we got our wedding invitation late ? It was put into our mailbox by none other than SO. He had it all of the time and then when I kept saying I wonder if we are getting an invitation..he put it in there. Messed up ! She is not part of my family and I hope I never see her again. I bought my own place and I will move out next month. There you conniving little bi-ch....it only took you 15 years but you managed finally to break us up. SS would roll over in his grave seeing the extend his daddy went to such extremes please his spoiled rotten sister !!!!! Tha being said..time for me to move on.

Oh my....this girl sounds like my step daughter through and through. I hate that she finally got her wish of splitting up your relationship with her father. I have to admit, if it weren't for our marraige and our daughter together, I would have split a long time ago and not put myself through this torture. I hope that in time you find peace and move on. I know how much of a gaping hole this must leave in your heart. I have to say, the sneakiness of their fathers only excalates the issue. I honestly believe they think they are doing the right thing by doing it, and trying to spare our feelings, when in reality it only makes things worse by humiliating us and making us feel totally decieved. I keep equating it to dealing with an affair that will never end. My husband does the same thing. He only talks to her if I am not around and hides all of his conversations with her. I literally have a panic attack everytime his phone rings or beeps from a text. You can see by the look in his eye, that he feels like he has been busted. I'm 7 years into this marraige, and I love him dearly, however I can honestly say I don't know how much longer it will last. Very sad......

An affair is acually a good way to describe it...although I must admit....if he was going to all of these lengths because he had a secret lover it would actually make more sense. Yes I agree that he thinks he's doing the right thing...he said to me when he was firs busted that he had to do it and he wasn't lying to me in any way ha direcly affected me ..Ummm helllo ? Whata floors me is she couldn't wait to bust him...weren't even on the topic and she threw in...well everythime my dad comes over I ge him to trim my rhubarb......classy...sneak around with your Dad and then bust him at your grandfather's funeral .

Jaysfan it is good to hear from you again, but sad that the circumstances are as they are. Children, no matter their age, have such power over the actions and decisions of their parents...after a divorce. My own sons were horrible to my husband and all he ever was was kind and generous to them. I made the mistake of not insisting they be respectful and it took a big toll on our marriage. I could and should probably write a book!
It IS possible for a parent to maintain a separate relationship with a child who cannot be civil to the person they've chosen as a life partner. It's awkward and inconvenient...but it does provide protection for both parties. It shouldn't be secret or covert, but rather...a plan made together, up front and honest with a goal of preventing further disruption.
Our children are not our future! We cannot rely on them or burden them with our wellbeing. That's what our adult commitments are intended to do. A grown child who still manipulates and controls will always put a price on their love...and the day will come when it is no longer affordable.

In my opinion, you are right in removing yourself from this situation...even though it's not the outcome you hoped for. In reality, your SO chose his daughter over you. I truly believe he will see that it was the wrong course for him and his daughter. Best wishes.

Jasfan65, thank you for sharing your story. I am sorry your marriage didn't work out and I have to say I'd make the same decision if I were in your shoes. The deception is not forgivable. I applaud you for closing the door on a toxic situation. I hope that this makes way for a peaceful, positive future for you. I am also struggling with a spoiled adult stepdaughter (age 24) and have found these forums a so much help in the past two days that i had to join. Thanks again and blessings to you!

HI - it's been a year on Sunday since I moved out on my own so I thought I'd give everyone an update I had a great deal of difficulty dealing with it.....from September to December SO stayed in my life ....he spent lots of weekends at my place as did I at his. It was getting us nowhere..the lies were still there......and we would never talk about them because he didn't want to 'bring up old sh-t". Although it was not old sh-it, it was current [censored]. I fell into depression in the fall over it..was a real struggle. There were some other lies I unravelled as well., including some fake facebook accounts.. I stopped talking to him for awhile..and then started again. However, just before Christmas I told him that us being intimate was not helping...that it was just making things confusing. I told him that on two consecutive visits..and presto our situation changed. He suddenly wouldn't let me in his house and rarely would answer my emails....and he would not answer his phone. I'm not an idiot..I know he hooked up...the minute he found out we were not going to be intimate ...so 15 years of history meant nothing. But, moving on.......I felt empty. Now in my late 40's...I have no kids of my own because of him. I realize that if SS was still alive everything would be different. So I decided to try to get in touch with SS"s boy. We hadn't seen him in a few years..not because of me but because of SO. He just didn't want to have him around. So now I have been actively seeing SGS every couple of weeks (he lives about 45 minutes from me). It's unreal how much he looks and acts like SS. He will be 8 next year. Apparently SO did see him once. SO's daughter (sorry, but no way no how can I refer to her as a SD)...had him over to SO's house. It was only the once...however,. SO has SD and her kids over regularly. He even took them bowling..which is something I would have liked to have done with them. It just irks me that he not only denied me grandkids but he wasted 15 years of my life and now I am alone.. And yet...I still miss him..I still get really sad when I don't see him. I don't understand my reaction....I should be mad at him...and I am mad whenever I think of how messed up all of his lies were...but yet I still can't get over him. I moved again in June because I hated the condo I moved to..it was made of cardboard and I could hear everything ..and didn't get any sleep. So I bought a small townhouse.. I will not tell SO where I live..my number is unlisted. I still see him fairly regularly (every week or bi-weekly we meet for lunch). On my holidays we went for a long bike ride together which I was told I had to keep a secret. So more lies..although this time they are not to me they are to his new GF. He is put out that I won't tell him where I live; however, I have not been allowed in the house I used to live in ....as soon as he hooked up...so what's fair is fair. I have not bumped into his daughter at all in the last year and wonder what I will do when I do see her. I will either cry or want to slug her one. Thanks for ruining my life