BellaOnline Forums Family Step Parenting My world is completely shattering......please help

Such a heartbreaking situation. You, like every other second wife, have a tough road because he has so much history with his first wife, plus they share having created kids together. And there is nothing stronger than a parent-child bond, too.

You literally have to "dangle" your own goods, services and benefits in front of him constantly. How does he feel when he is with you? Do things that make him feel 1. respected (a man needs respect from his woman), 2. young and free, 3. sexy and virile. He needs to feel that when he is with you, he is the man he wants to be.

He loves his daughter and grandkids, true, but he will not want to feel like the old, burdened man all the time.

I tell you, it all boils down to that because the human mind is hard-wired to move toward pleasure and away from pain. Be careful never to represent pain in his life. Only the pleasure.

Second marriages don't have any greater success rate than first marriages. Don't give him ultimatums or force him to choose. Just whisk him away often for weekends of amazing good times. When his conniving, mooching daughter wants to come around, he won't feel too bad saying, "I can't! I'm going out of town!" Be sure your sex life is fantastic because you are the only one who can provide that, and every man knows how critical that area of marriage is for a contented husband.

Stock your armory, girl. And he'll choose you every time. No need to feel betrayed. He isn't doing this consciously. It's a matter of bonding time. You don't have the edge when it comes to length of time spent with him so make every minute with him count. Pick the battles you can win, and remember that your goal--and remind him of this--is to make him, not you, happy. So when he wants his daughter to come over with the kids, leave out some treats for the kids, give him a kiss, and then slip out for some of your own fun. Tell him you want him to visit with his kids without any tension so you'll get out of the way, but you'll be back. With a special surprise for him. wink, wink. He will keep his visit with her very short.

Then go out and have a blast doing what you like to do. Come back feeling exhilarated, fulfilled, joyful. He will want to get in on that feeling instead of his daughter's snipping about you, the woman who represents joy in his life.

Just my thoughts.

I was hesitant to weigh-in on this matter because my direction is always toward strengthening the bond between husband and wife and I can become a "broken record" on the matter. Couples have every right to and total responsibility for placing their relaltionship as a priority. The best decisions regarding children, stepchildren, ex-spouses and everything else are made by two people looking out for one another and refusing to let a third party of any nature, tear down what they have committed to. One half of the partnership can not accomplish this on their own. When you divide...others will conquer.
This forum offers a lot of good advice here for handling your relationship with individuals seeking to take advantage of you or violating your personal boundaries. The high road is always the best one; however, protecting your marriage requires both of you to be on the same path.

Thank you so much for all your words of encouragement and helful ideas. I feel like re-reading through this thread I have seen how angry and hurt I have been through this whole thing. I don't want to be that kind of a person. I have NEVER been that kind of a person and I have let her turn me into that. It has been kind of an AHA! moment for me. I love my husband. I have pointed out my concerns and my boundries. I know he loves me and wants to make me happy and for us to be happy together. I am saying now, I AM DONE....done being mad, sad, and crying over that wicked witch. I am no longer her punching bag, as she no longer can control me. It is his daughter, she is what she is. I can't change her, no matter how hard I would like to try. I can choose to not be around her and I can choose to not let her constant need for attention be so focused upon. Instead I can fill our time up with things for US to focus on. The busier we are the less time he will have to partake in her little power struggle playtime. Thanks Ladies! (However, If I fall off this bandwagon, I do reserve the right for you all to bring me back down to reality) :}

Congratulations! You are empowered...
not to change someone else, but to change your reaction to them. As simple as the concept may seem, it is a difficult task...but you are on the right track. You are only responsible for your choices and decisions.

You have help and support here because we have been there. I caution you that falling off the wagon is a clear and present danger because it's human nature to react defensively. Please keep us all posted as your journey progresses. You will love the High-Road!!!