BellaOnline Forums Beauty and Self Self Development What do you feel about Compliments

A very warm welcome to the Self Development Forum !

Do you struggle with saying the right words when giving and taking compliments? Compliments are closely associated with self esteem and self confidence. The self development article below discusses more, including how to give compliments in a sincere way and how to accept them so that both parties benefit.

See: Compliments � Giving and Taking Them

I'd love to receive your feedback so do add your comments, queries, thoughts, etc., to this Forum thread. I look forward to hearing from you!

Great article Joy - simple and to the point. I found several familiar feelings on both side of the coin - I now hope to give and take compliments more graciously.

Thanks

Hi Susan, thank you for your feedback - I�m glad you liked the article. (JOY)

I love compliments. They are like food to me. I never understood why some people can't accept them.

I also give them out freely.

I'm great at giving them but can't stand getting them. I often feel that the person giving them wants something from me. I say thank you and accept it but deep down I'm always thinking why are they really saying that, what do they want from me. I think this has to do with working in bars for nearly a decade and just seeing people at their worst.

Also working in health clubs for ten years hasn't helped. A compliment in a health club usually means somebody want your money or your clients or free training.

I'm working on just accepting without reading into things further. Not easy for me! Great article.

Hi Jilly, this can be a vicious circle as people can then find it difficult to give compliments to someone who can't accept them. (JOY)

I was horrible at that until my husband kept after me to stop denying compliments. It was a matter of low self esteem, I suppose.

But then something dawned on me.

I realized that people feel good when the recipient receives their compliment with gratitude and sincerity. People like to make others feel good and we rob them of that joy when we don't accept their compliments.

When I saw that, I began to accept compliments more readily. I say, "Thank you so much for making me feel good." Their compliment is a gift and our acceptance is a gift to them.

I've learned to say 'thank you' with a smile. It's been hard but practice makes perfect.

Hi Monica, glad you liked the article! I think that a lot of people are skeptical when they receive compliments for the reasons I mentioned in the article. If compliments are given sincerely and are accepted in the right way it is a win-win situation for both people. (JOY)

Hi Lori, yes, a simple "Thank you!" with a smile is indeed one of the best things you can do when given a compliment. (JOY)

Sometimes, I add, "Thank you. I really needed that right now." And they know what is true--that they make a difference in other people's lives. A small act of kindness can save a life.

Joy, that is a wonderful article that gives a lot of insight into the secrets of giving and receiving compliments.

I used to be so shy that to receive a compliment would make me blush and want to hide. To give one was easy because I was sincere about it.

Compliments now make me feel good about myself and to give a compliment is a way I can acknowledge someone's kindness or let them know I appreciate them.

Lori, you are so right. You always know the right things to say.

when people i know hem and haw around a compliment, I always say to them, with a smile, "just say thank you." That always seems to promote a good response.

Simplicity in a compliment is sometimes the best way. A simple "Thank you" can carry a lot of weight. Sometimes, that is all a person wants to hear.

I often laugh silently at a friend of mine. She will say something like, "Oh, your hair looks so pretty today - much better than the last time I saw you." What? Is she saying that the last time she saw me I looked like a fright?

A sincere and straightforward compliment is lovely. The best response is a simple "thank you."

It's funny, my husband and I were just talking about this. I have a problem with accepting and giving compliments. But mainly I have a problem with accepting them from my husband. When other people compliment me even though I don't feel comfortable about it I always smile and say thank you. When it comes to giving compliments to someone who is not related to me for some reason I just can't do it. I feel like I sound stupid saying whatever it is that I want to say. I don't think I have self esteem issues but then again maybe I do. I guess it's just something I need to work on.

If I have a stray nice thought about someone that passes through my mind, i always pass it along. Even if it's only "I love your scarf."

I figure this can only add happiness to the world.

I just received a compliment from a friend and it made me feel so good inside. In fact, I feel so good I want to hug everyone!

Hi Phyllis, thank you for your complimentary feedback on the article! (JOY)

Hi Jilly, yes, people can become quite stressed when given a compliment. Responding in the way you mentioned is an excellent way to resolve this. (JOY)

Hi Connie, so true. Short and sweet...(JOY)

Quite often, if you do not feel you are on an equal footing to someone then giving and taking compliments can be tough. (JOY)

Okay, am trying to figure this out. Do people feel, when they accept a compliment, that they will owe somebody something?

That just strikes me as odd.

I think I accept compliments pretty well. I probably should make a point of giving more out. The only case where I feel awkward is when the person is paying me a compliment on something I did where they have performed the same action. For example, if at a meeting,we are each supposed to stand up and make a brief statement and the person who went just before me pays me a compliment after I'm done, then I wonder should I say, "You were great too!" even if they weren't. Usually I just say, "Thanks", but do feel a bit awkward about it.

Hi Dannica, just saying "Thanks" is absolutely fine. If you repeat a compliment to the other person it rarely sounds genuine. So continue saying "Thanks" and the awkwardness will soon disappear. (JOY)

Aside from being shy or timid, a lot of men find it hard to accept compliments because of their self esteem problems. It's because of the critical voice in their head telling them that they're not worthy of the compliment and that the person who gave it is either lying, blind or just taking pity on them.

Dear Richard,

Thank you for the male perspective on accepting compliments. I must admit that I chuckled a little bit about men having self esteem issues since a few of the men I know "appear" to not have a problem in that area and can take a compliment quite well. However, as women, we really don't know what's going on in their minds and sometimes insecurities are hidden behind bravado or what "appears" to be an over-inflated sense of self worth. (Not all men, I'm just thinking of a one or two that I complimented recently) So thank you for sharing and bring this reminder back to me.

I like compliments better than food and almost more than air.

I swear I would work for gold stars and pats on the back before working for money. I think this is why I loved school so much - you did the work, you got the As.

In the world of business and 'real life', it's not so cut and dried. Too many nuances, power plays and strategies. And I don't like being criticized unless I am specifically asking for feedback. Which I am quite capable of doing.

Man, I seem to be feeling a bit foul tonite. I'm actually not in a bad mood; I just don't understand (or value) these social constructs.

Hello a lot of good info thanks for sharing

Dear Jilly -

I'm not sure the compliment issue is a social construct as much as it is young women and men being raised often to feel they're not worth the compliment. They're trained they are faulty. It's wonderful that you weren't raised that way! It's wonderful that you were raised to believe that you were worthy of receiving the compliment.

For many people, they are raised to believe they are NOT worthy of a compliment and that they do not deserve to accept it. That they didn't do well enough to get that compliment. Often it is that childhood feeling of "not worthy" that they are trying to overcome.

It would be lovely if everyone had a childhood like yours where a compliment was a warm, wonderful thing!

I am not used to being bad at things. I think that is why I have such trouble in the real world - i keep expecting a running flow of compliments. It motivates me to get more compliments.

Criticism brings me down.

Does criticism motivate others? I know a lot of people like a good kick in the pants. Not me: i am so hard on myself internally that I don't need more from others.

From my perspective, I expect humans to have a range of talents. Some things they're great at, and other things not-so-great, and that's fine!

For example I appreciate that I'm good at ASP coding. I also accept I'm not great at watercolor painting. That's fine! I have fun improving my painting skills. I enjoy playing piano but I know I'm not great at it. That's fine too. I enjoy what I can do.

So for me I expect I'm bad at certain things. I accept that trade-off.

There's a great quote:

If you�re not failing every now and again, it�s a sign you�re not doing anything very innovative. --Woody Allen

It reminds me that it's good for me to go out of my comfort zone and try things I'm bad at. After all, everyone starts less-than-perfect at things and builds from there. We all babbled before we could talk. We all crawled before we could walk. So I embrace the things I am flawed at, and I poke and prod at them, and see if I'm intrigued .

I'm used to being bad at things. I enjoy playing with them to see if I want to focus energy on them or not.

I'm awful at public speaking. I'm poking at it next semester with a course to see if maybe I want to improve, at least so I am at the neutral stage vs the fear stage.

That's just me!

My childhood was mostly strange, magical and kind of wonderful in hard to explain ways but my parents didn't compliment me often. They expected me to excel. People they didn't expect as much from got frequent compliments as encouragement. So somewhere in my mind it all gets complicated.
There are weeks when it seems like I'm getting complimented by lots of people for lots of things, and those weeks generally end with me sobbing to my husband that I'll never be good enough. So yeah, it's fair to say I have real issues about compliments. Working on it, working on saying thank you, and realizing that just because it feels unearned, doesn't mean it's undeserved or insincerely meant.

I can't seem to explain myself properly, so I am going to drop this conversation. I am sure with other words I could convey what I mean, but it's just not coming.

Suffice: I don't have a problem accepting compliments, or giving them. It's nice when people feel happy to get them from me, as making them feel happy is the intent.

Shala -

You are a fantastically talented woman and it's a shame that anywhere along the way anybody caused you to feel as if you were not worthy. It is nice that your parents encouraged you to excel - and at the same time it would have been nice to balance that with an appreciation for what you were. I wonder why that's such a challenging balance.

Your post is a good reminder of just how powerfully those childhood messages can linger even long past when we've grown up. They are so firmly entrenched that they're hard to shake loose.

I wonder if a daily mantra of "I deserve this" can make some inroads? You definitely DO deserve praise!

Dear Jilly -

It is fantastic that you accept compliments with open arms and can draw them in as nourishment! You're a role model that many others can work to aspire to!

In this spirit of this thread, thank you.

I was raised to believe that the ego was the root of all evil. Maybe it is and maybe it isn't. I suppose there is a dichotomy to the human ego.

My parents couldn't accept compliments *for* us. When someone complimented us, they would put it down in an act of humility so that is what I learned to do, too. Compliments always felt awkward.

It is only recently that I can accept a compliment with a genuine "thank you" and a smile.

I love to compliment people because I do appreciate their talents and all they add to this world!

But as for me receiving them, I'm actually trying hard not to need outside approval anyway!

I think of compliments as rewards. They never get old. Better than food, really.

Hi Lori, I love making other people feel good about themselves so I am always giving compliments. I personally find it extremely hard to accept them. I did not find anything wrong with the way I behaved, but through your article I have learnt a lot. I will surely receive the compliments with gratitude from now on.:)

I like giving sincere compliments because I know it makes people feel good. As for receiving them, I sometimes feel a little uncomfortable, maybe because I under-rate myself. Not sure. But I do say thank you.

Well compliments are always good to give or make someone happy and feel good at their work or achievements. I do believe that it should be a good manner in the sense for inspiration on other hard work.

There are some great comments on the topic of 'compliments' on this thread. Thank you all! (JOY)

I think sometimes we don't realize just how rough a day another person is having. They could be dealing with something quite traumatic. It could be our compliment which helps them get through that and go forward.

Hi Lisa, yes, a few key words can have a significant effect on someone's life. Joy

yes,when i am in trouble,and feel disappointed,my friends' encouragement and compliment always pull me through,and have motivation to stick to my goal.

Hi Janet, thanks for your post. You are lucky to have such friends. Joy

The rare occasions when I receive compliments I am shocked but always receive it with joy.