BellaOnline Forums Relationships Married No Kids Am I a monster - I think not !!

Wow. the first honest article, about a woman in her 50s having regretted having kids.
It's in the Daily Mail newspaper ( I read it online ).
the title - 'Am I a monster for wishing I'd never had kids.'

She starts by saying it's christmas with her family around the table, ' As I looked around them, I should have felt a sense of pride at my husband of 30 years and my two grown up sons, together for a few convivial days. Instead I felt a stab of disappointment that this was the sum total of what I had achieved in life.
- Which is why I know I would have had a better and fuller life had I not been a mother.'
She says she has feelings of shame, and suspects many other women harbour such feelings of regret, but dare not speak about it.

She says she has written the article because other women would never ever admit motherhood was a mistake, and says ;
'from the moment I had children I felt I was in a slow drift away from myself. It seemed as if any spontaneity in my life had gone. Any future possibilities limited to the small world I had established for myself in a suburban home.'

'A husband, a home, a family, all reasons to be happy, and yet, I wasn't. I found the early years of motherhood dull and lonely, the middle years fraught and challenging, and the last few, - when my boys were teenagers, - often miserable.'

She says she's not suprised after reading a study saying young couples who have not got a family are happier than those couples with pre school children.

'For all it's joys, parenting can stunt and sometimes kill our relationships with our partners, squashing them under the tonnage of sleeplessness, stress, and the daily grind of raising children.
It sucks us dry, inhibits our growth as individuals, saps our strength, and takes away our confidence in ourselves.

It also forces us into singing the praises of a role, which, if we only dared be honest about it, left us feeling suffocated.'

It's a long article, but she goes on to say;
'I would have liked to have seen more of the world, to have read more, and spent less of what should have been the best years of my life feeling dizzy with tiredness.
I would have enjoyed an identity outside the house, a voice in the world however small, a meaning to my life beyond being a wife and mother.
In essence I would have liked having more time to myself.'

'If I had my choice again I would do it differently, and I'd bet alot of mothers are feeling the same way too.'

She goes on to mention the figures for women these days who opt not to have kids, and the 43% of college educated women between 33 and 45 without children.

'Even if we allow for a large number that would like them, and fate has conspired thus far against them, that still leaves a large number of modern women who are electing not to become mothers.
And there's a part of me that envies them.'

I must admit, I wanted to whoop at the issues she was raising. One of the ones she kept mentioning was that women never say they regret having kids - they moan about it, but it seems taboo to never say you wish they weren't there.

Also, all of the issues she mentions re the negativity of children - stress, tiredness, loss of individuality, lack of time to yourself, no voice in the world, or meaning to your life other than wife and mother....
these were all the huge fears I had about tussling over wether to have kids, and to actually read it from a woman who did, and noe regrets going down that path - in all it's stark reality. well.
In her title - am I a monster...' that's exactly what society makes you feel for not having kids, and makes her feel because even with them, those negative emotions about kids causes women to feel bad about themselves.

To see such an article in a mainstream paper has given me such a lift, makes me want to go and conquer the world ( ok, I'm getting ahead of myself )
But the biggest thing it's shown me, is NOT to feel a monster / freak / wierd because I don't want kids, but rather rejoice in the happy knowledge that that's my choice.

Love and peace x

thank you for sharing this. It is a good article for us child-free folks. It is a reminder to me that I think I would rather be known as someone who is selfish (or a monster) than to regret the choices I made with my life. If I did have kids, I would probably be writing a article just like that woman did.

I have always believed that life is not about creating more life, but what you choose to do with the life you have.

Can you post the link. I haven't read the article but from what you posted she sounds like a complete whiner. We all have choices. She chose to let motherhood suck her under. Sounds like she is blaming motherhood for her not living the life she wants. Boo hoo cry me a river. There are plenty of mothers who don't let their kids get in the way of living and being the person they want to be.

I'm child free by choice and maybe I don't know what the hell I'm talking about. Seems like she is blaming motherhood on her failed miserable life when she should be blaming herself. I can only imagine how miserable her husbands and son are.

Hi, I've tried to find the specific link again. it was on ;

http.//www.dailymail.co.uk/femail and as it's from 2nd july issue, type in - Am I a monster for wishing I'd never had kids - in the search engine at the top.

I agree with you that some women ( and men too I suppose ) find something to blame in their lives for feeling unfulfilled.
She does go on to say she doesn't have a close relationship with her eldest son...

If you find it, it would be interesting to see what you think.

I just took it that she felt stifled by the hard work that is raising children, - both time wise, and financial - that stopped her from maybe doing other things.

she talks about joining a book club, and reading a book called ' we need to talk about Kevin.' she wonders why other women seem afraid to talk honestly about the negative side of being a mother.

She also says she loves her kids, and feels the loss of them now they've left home - so I don't think she resents them.

To me, I just read it as someone unable to get a decent intelligent conversation from other mothers on the more negative issues relating to raising children.

She mentions she comes from a small northern town in England, and I too was brought up in a small town in the North of England, and I knew even when I was small growing up, that an intelligent in depth discussion on , well, any subject, was hard to come by. - not that I've got anything against small towns, but that was my experience !!!!

I made my choices, and left, in the pursuit of my own personal happiness, but it sounds like, although she stayed, got married young, had kids....maybe it just wasn't for her, and after the kids arrived, it was only then she realised there were other things she could have done with her life, that would have fulfilled her more ( who knows !! )

It struck a chord , because although the kids thing would be great I believe I would have felt unfulfilled not following this life I lead now, and truely believe ( before I had kids ) that I couldn't do it all.
For me, that doesn't mean I would have loved kids too, because there are times I know I would love to have kids, BUT...after a lot of thought I believe the life I have now is the right one for me - and I can't just have kids for a few weeks of the year. It's a whole lifetimes commitment.

I remember as a young twenty something being around mothers with babies and being horrified ( with real regret that's what I was feeling ) at the incredibly boring conversation that was taking place. - and I love babies.
Maybe if I'd had one of my own being around other mothers would have changed my mind, and it would have been the most fulfilling thing I could have done with my life...

It's all about turning left instead of right, choosing one door instead of another.
Isn't that why many of us here struggle with the decision - to have kids, or not ? because no choice is 100% perfect.

Anyway, hope you find it, to see what your take on it is.

I didn't feel she was regretting or resenting her children, more she'd finally reached a point in her life when she could take stock of her life's achievements - and found it wasn't a lot! She strikes me as one of those women who have children without too much thought simply because it's 'what everyone does' and has only know realised she could have done any number of things with her life. Rather sad but I didn't get the impression she was deeply regretting her decision - just admitting there is more to life than children, and frustrated that she seems to be the only on eto be honest about this fact.