I feel the need to post here again in regards to my boyfriend and his past lovers. I wish this entire issue with his behavior and how he is as a person was just black and white and the answer for me would come as to what I should do. I said a lot about his character in this thread and in the "Anyone agree?" thread in the Marriage section. Here is what is going on.....

My boyfriend went on this website kind of like facebook called myyearbook where you can get in touch with friends, meet people, play games like crosswords, etc. This was within the past few months and both of us have had fun playing the games together. I did not know that being on this site requires establishing a profile, and he put his picture on it. A woman he dated in his late 20's for 6 months found him on this site and contacted him. Supposedly they had stayed in touch for a time after their breakup and then lost touch. She is now married, so I have been told.

They decided to get together to see each other for drinks and conversation last night. I was invited to come along. When I asked my boyfriend who's idea it was to meet in person, he said it was both of theirs. I said, "It was YOUR idea, wasn't it?" and he hesitated and did not answer. I told him that I knew it was his idea first. He is Mr. Social Butterfly and it is always his idea, it seems, for him to meet his former lovers in person to catch up on the things going on in their lives. He instigates these things.

I decided not to go, as I am very uncomfortable with this situation, and I find it highly inappropriate and disrespectful of him. So does any woman I discuss this with. I told my boyfriend that I would not go because I am not a babysitter, and I have no desire to have his former lovers shoved into my face. I have no need to meet these women. He knows I am upset that he went to see her at a bar and was gone for two hours. He said they are just friends and I was invited to come along. I am jealous and I have the problem.

I spoke with his female cousin last night because I was so upset. She is a few years older than he is and she grew up with him. They are pretty close. She said she knows who he is as a person....someone who is very casual and friendly, but she does not think he is intentionally trying to hurt me or that he does not care about me. She does think that he has crossed the line though, because even though I do not think personally that he is cheating on me right now, he has been intimate with these women at some point. It makes me upset that he is committed to me now yet feels the need to see these women. It is hurtful and it seems that he does not care that I feel this way. He is doing it anyway because he feels he is doing nothing wrong and I am not accepting of him having friends both male and female.

He and I have yet to have a further discussion on this, as it was very late last night when I got off the phone with his cousin. I was not going to start a conversation with him about this issue after midnight when I had a raging headache by then and I was exhausted emotionally. Before I called his cousin I told my boyfriend that I was considering leaving him and he said, "Do what you have to do." I told him that obviously he does not care for me enough or respect me enough to not be concerned about my feelings over what he is doing, and then to say what he just did about me leaving. While I was talking about him not loving me enough he said, "Yeah, right" like I was full of baloney about him not loving me very much.

When I got back into the house after my conversation outside with his cousin, he acted like nothing had happened and he asked if I wanted to talk. That's when I told him I would not talk at this late hour of the night. It seems he reverts to his casual attitude when things gets tough.....sweep it under the rug, act normal, and it won't be so bad. I know at some point we will have to have a conversation about this today.

I can just feel that thing - you know that tightening in the stomach and throat area, I've had some experiences close to a lot of what you are describing but I know they aren't the exact same thing.

First, I like that you are reflecting and searching deeply how you feel and some of the things that are stirring these emotions. That's commendable. A lot of what I see these days is retaliation.

There are a few things that stick out. Not sure if any of this will help? But from an aerial view (not personal - which is tough because it is) but one of the hardest things to do in a relationship is make someone act the way you'd like them to. I know you know that, but sometimes emotions are so strong, it's hard to separate that grey area with 2 separate individuals. But any behavior for it to work its best I guess, needs to come from a 'free-will' perspective or eventually we'll resent the change. Kind of like dieting when you don't really want to and you blow it all when you can't take it anymore on a gallon of ice cream.

So, from that perspective, there's something within your boyfriend that needs to have these "touch stone" women's company, in his life. Was he closest with his mother growing up or something along those lines, where a female presence brought him companionship type comfort? So, trying to understand (past the I dont think there's anything wrong with my actions)but why he needs it to such a degree would be helpful for both of you. It may not be as threatening/invasive as it seems but he may also not even notice what he's doing.

The other thing is I get the feeling there isn't much else going on in for the moment. Almost like isolated or something, where there really isn't much of a distraction/stimulation but for whatever he's doing or bringing to the situation. That may not be the case but if it is, you're kind of only exposed to what HE'S doing when it would be easier to deal with if you had something, anything that could take the focus off of him.

Plus, you'd be surprised just how powerful an impact a little feminine or male retreating on a touchy subject, can make. It's like when you genuinely don't care about the behavior anymore, it's THEN there's room where they kind of go, hmmmm something's changed here and (guy or girl) may consider letting go of a bad habit or something that just irritates their partner. There's a genuine desire to want to please the other person.

I'm not suggesting game playing or anything like that, but I mean if you can get to that "Zen" place where you know you'll be alright no matter what happens, you're fulfilled as an individual and concede to not being able to control some situations, it ends up naturally setting things into motion that in turn bring other things into your life and all of the sudden you really aren't focused on your partner and that in turn draws the best part of them to you. It's perpetually magnetic, but it can't be faked or the energy creating that type of a facade pretty much ends up backfiring, one way or another.

Hi Elleise, my boyfriend is an only child and his health problems started when he was a baby. I would call his mother loving, but over-protective even today in regards to her son. I know he has always been a pleaser, doing whatever his mother wants if at all possible. He will still jump at age 48 if she asks him to.

I do believe he has a need to please women. He has a "love one another" attitude and thinks everyone should get along. I don't think he knows how to let go of women once some sort of intimate relationship is gone, so he continues a friendship to keep peace. Then he acts like Dr. Phil, asking about their lives and offering advice. I would not see too much wrong with this but that there are so many of these women. They come out of the woodwork it seems after many years and my boyfriend is right there meeting them for drinks.

I have lots going on besides my boyfriend. I have two young dogs that keep me busy, I help with household chores, I garden, I keep in touch with family and friends, and I read. I'm also looking for a job and selling collectibles I have to try to make ends meet in the meantime. I wouldn't say that my focus is just on my boyfriend.

I did have that tightening in my stomach. I hate that feeling. No matter what, I can't rectify this in my mind as being "right". No woman I have asked about this has felt that what he is doing is right if he is in a committed relationship with me. I feel disrespected. There should be no reason to be visiting former girlfriends for drinks if you are happy with what you have at home, and I do live under this man's roof. This may indeed cause the end of our relationship.

He will not budge on seeing these women because he says the problem is mine. He does not see them with any frequency, and he pretty much said that I have the insecurities. I have trust issues and I am jealous. He said that some women may feel that this is wrong but he bets that men would think it is ok......and I think to myself "who wouldn't want their cake and eat it too???". My boyfriend is sure that he could find both men and women who would back him up. The women he is visiting with are just "friends" so there is no harm being done. It really does not seem to matter that I am not happy with it. He refuses to stop seeing these women.

I don't expect him to change anything about himself to suit me. But if he knows something hurts me it would be nice if he would compromise. I told him I could deal with this issue of his women friends that he was once intimate with if he didn't see them in person but kept it to occasional phone calls, emails, etc. to keep in touch with them. Seeing them in person just screams within me WRONG, WRONG, WRONG!!! I know he won't change, so in order for me to be happy I may just have to leave him. I don't like feeling hurt and disrespected by someone I hold in such high regard.

Been there, done that.....

I think a lot of having the cake and eat it too is in there, but I think a lot of it has to do with his relationship with his mother.

It's funny too, as I was writing, "I don't feel there's a lot going on outside, other than what he brings..." I said to myself, you need to put in there the routine things, even though you may be doing them, like taking care of things around the house...doesn't count

It's one of those things with forums I guess, lol. You want to cover everything. What I meant was like when you are expected out of the home someplace. You're forced to meet and engage with extra curriculars outside of the home that demand attention, things that aren't routine. They are new - it's hard to explain on here, but I didn't mean you don't do anything. Not at all. Actually I feel you'd be engaging to just talk with or explore things with, the things that matter in life and I have to believe he knows this too, but may be taking your company for granted.

But, I'm an animal LOVER!! But, when I'm bothered by something, though I love the animals, it's different (hard to put into words) than when something unexpected happens or you feel that jolt of newness, excitement or engaging enticing conversation...that thing that happens when you lose track of time in a good way.

If the mother is alone, not with a partner, in a way, through all of these women, he may be trying to give back or rekindle that feeling as a child, to a "woman figure" one he feels indebted to. Like each one has some sort of a chracteristic that reminds him of his mom. I could be way off on that one, it's just a thought though.

Do you still do things together like go out on dates?

I do understand about ex's. And if you have a person who wants to save everyone, well ex's if they know that, know exactly where to go when they aren't feeling so special with their own men and in their own lives. They know if the offer is out there, and there's someone on the other end of that telephone and it kind of depends how often he's available to these women.

He's not cheating and I'm certain you appreciate that, but does he understand that the amount of attention he gives to these other women hurts your feelings because as someone that loves him, you'd like to see that same effort with the two of you?

Elleise......my boyfriend's parents are both still alive and together.

Things are not looking good right now for the two of us. We have been arguing off and on since Wed night. It got heated yesterday and he was running his mouth. I asked him to stop. He kept going to the point that I finally said that our relationship was over and there is nothing more to talk about so stop talking to me. I felt beaten down by him and I couldn't take it anymore.

Things did calm down but I am not sure there is a chance anymore for us. I am going to give him two weeks to figure out what I mean to him and if he really wants me in his life. I guarantee you, if I leave I am never going back. I won't be able to anyway, as I will be moving to be with my family across the country. I will not stay in touch like one of his "friends with benefits". Once it is over our contact will be done.

I am going to be away for a week house-sitting for a friend, and when I come back I want answers. I can't live in limbo and feel sick to my stomach from the stress for weeks or months on end. Been there, done that....

It is not even just about seeing his ex-girlfriends and ex-lovers anymore. And just so you know, there is no frequency to those meetings, so I don't see why he can't just keep in contact with them in other ways instead of spending time with them in a bar for a couple of hours or where ever he is meeting them.

Not only is that still an issue which he won't budge on, but he has badgered me about not having a job (which I am trying to find), and he has picked on aspects of my character so I feel personally attacked. I am an overly sensitive person so sometimes I take things the wrong way, or I snap because I am exhausted from not sleeping well due to his coughing at night and the stress I am under (I finally went to sleep in another room for a week). I am still trying to get my life back together from the divorce and it has not been easy. He is under the impression that we have disagreements all the time, but to me, little discussions and disagreements are normal in any relationship and it is always good to talk things out. I don't see that we have disagreements all the time, rather, I think we have a pretty good relationship and we really enjoy each other's company. I know when I am wrong, and I apologize to him if I have snapped at him without meaning to.

I don't think he understands just how much I was devestated from my divorce and how hard it is for me to get my life back on track, not to mention that a lot of my life was put on hold when he had his heart attack last October. He spent 6 1/2 weeks in the hospital and I was there for him every single day. Then he came home so weak he could not even take a shower on his own. I was caretaking for 3 months. There was no way to focus on my life and job hunting. I was exhausted, physically and emotionally. In an ideal world I may have been able to work for probably the last 2 months now, but the economy is terrible and there just are not a lot of jobs available.

Between badgering me about getting a job, picking apart my character by telling me I am too sensitive and defensive, telling me we fight all the time (this is just not true, and I am not buring my head in the sand here), and the meetings with his ex-lovers, I just don't see how we are going to work this out. He sounds unhappy with me as a person, and I don't want to be with someone who does not want me whole-heartedly. I deserve better than that.

Before his heart attack I was very happy, I had the energy to look for work, and he was happy too. I think he is unhappy or bored with his own life, and so he is taking it out on me personally. I said maybe he wants the single life again, and he said maybe he does. I don't think he can handle being with someone in a transition period, or just being in a relationship where there is lots of communication. I think he wants things simple and light, with maybe seeing someone a couple of times a week with the woman living in her own place. If he needs space I am always willing to give it, encouraging him to get out with friends and to take personal time to himself, but maybe this is just not enough for him.

Last year I had to deal with rejection and a lot of pain from another man. Seems that this year may bring about round two.

Cassie67 - how are you doing?????

My heart goes out to you and please continue to post - while we cannot change anything on our end, we do CARE...

Things have calmed down since my last post. My boyfriend and I had a long talk yesterday. We talked calmly and with consideration, and there has been a big improvement in the atmosphere around here. There is still more talking to do, but I feel that there actually is hope for us to stay together.

Things were said in the heat of arguing the other day that were not intended. That, and some other misunderstandings were cleared up. He never intended to hurt me with his words, but he was not understanding my state of mind and how hurt and overwhelmed I already was, so whatever he was trying to say to me at the time just made things worse. He understands that now, and he has more sensitivity towards my job situation.

Of course there is still the issue of him wanting to see past girlfriends and lovers. He explained to me that this former girlfriend who came out of the woodwork after losing touch with her over 10 years ago had left him on good terms when they broke up. They had stayed friends even when he later married someone else. They lost touch and really all they could ever be now is just friends, getting in touch now and then.

As for the "friends with benefits" women that I knew about before he and I got serious, there are only two that he would like to see for coffee every now and then, and not often. He had not been intimate with them anymore for a few years before committing to me, but he had kept in touch with them by mutual agreement. Like I mentioned in a couple of earlier posts, one of these two women visited him in the hospital when I was there in his room. Any other women I know about he only keeps in contact with very infrequently through a phone call or email, and he does not care if he sees them again.

I think I can handle him seeing the two women he was not intimate with for a few years but stayed friends with, if only on a rare occasion. They don't contact my boyfriend very often and they have their own lives, but they have been a part of his life as just friends in recent years. It would be unfair for me to demand that he not speak to them or see them ever again. I do think they are considerate of the fact that he is in a committed relationship so they keep their distance.

As for former girlfriends coming out of the woodwork, I am not crazy about him meeting with them, or with him trying to make new contacts with strange women in online chatrooms. That is something that needs more discussion. If I am going to give in somewhere with the issue of other women in his life then he has to compromise as well. I want to be respected in this relationship or I will definitely leave. I do have hope that we can work things out.

Last night was pleasant and fun again, back to our old selves and it felt so good. We shared some intimate moments and I know in my heart that we have something worth fighting for. Hopefully we can talk out the rest of what we need to and come to a respectful understanding and agreement on what will be best for both of us as a couple.

I will keep you posted. Thanks for all the support, and for just reading my story.

Cassie, I can see what you're saying. I wouldn't like it either. He sort of has you with the whole "trust" thing though doesn't he? I'm sure you've asked him how he would feel if you were seeing old lovers who were now just friends?

I can also see it from his point of view though, as I still see old girlfriends - though my best friend, I've met her boyfriend and we all got along. Maybe you could meet them with him once just to get any vibes? You may all get along? When she comes to visit me her b/f is constantly on the phone and we don't get it because we really are just the closest of friends now.

It sounds like he's not going to change for anyone though in regards to his friendships. Were you aware of them when you first got with him?

It also sounds that he loves you a lot, despite not giving up this one thing you're not comfortable with - and it sounds like you love him a lot too. That's the most important thing.

They also say that trust is very important. You both seem to be able to talk things out. When you get a job, just remember you can have as many male friends as you like, at least

Hope you're doing well

Cassie,I think you should go along to meet these gals, just to see what they look like, and to see what the situation really is. It would be interesting to see if he objects.
Please keep posting.

Cass,

I've been on both sides of this in totally different circumstances and with different dynamics. I understand the insecurity and jealousy, I understand what disrespect feels like, and I even understand what it is like to feel controlled and inhibited. Thing is, I felt most of those things when I was with the wrong person. I am not saying you are or are not with the wrong person, this is my facts of life for me. And it is not like I haven't experienced a little jealousy here and there with my partner when she had talked to her ex's. Big difference is, she has the same type of boundaries as I do which makes it easier, that is something we could not change in each other anyhow. Another big thing, we do have absolute trust for the way we 'feel' about each other and trust for the integrity and character in both our willingness to communicate and being faithful.

I am very lucky, we (more than any other couple I know frankly) are able to really be honest with each other about absolutely everything and that is not always easy. That is how we built such a great trust to begin with... and our feelings and thoughts are safe with each other.

It takes years to heal from a deep, intimate, broken relationship. I've been there too. I will venture to say that you will need much more support than he can ever give you right now and that he might even be your distraction in some ways. And if he is, it won't work for long unless you take more time for you in hobbies, other relationships, moments of quiet meditation or even rebuilding your life with doing more things that you have always wanted to do.

A nurturing self focus is hard to do when there is hurt or bitterness or fear or self hate or sadness or whatever. But that turns around in the healing process, slowly and beautifully. Hugs.