I have been married 36 years and today may have been the straw to break this camel's back. My husband has been lying for years. He lies about stupid, small things: eg: he lies that he eats the lunch I pack each morning, but I found a couple lunches in the bottom of his trunk; we both quit smoking but not really him, found out at an insurance health check that he was a tobacco user--to my shock he was chewing; found out 2 years after he purchased a golf club, that he did so and spent nearly $200 for one club; found out he bought a motorcycle when I went into the tool shed (I never go in there) and saw it sitting there--he paid $100 for it and it was old and he wanted to fix it up; found out he ordered me shoes for Mother's Day and got himself a pair BUT hid them under the couch so I would not see he had bought them; he bought another set of clubs and hid them downstairs in his workroom and took them out one by one to use them, I ask him if he went by the store and he says no, but did go by the store; many more but you get the idea. Stupid lying over stupid, mean nothing things. OH YES, let me mention that I do believe that when people show you who they are, we need to believe them. I don't think he is cheating .. but without trust in a marriage, where are you?? WHAT TO DO PLEASE ADVISE?

This is probably going to sound like unconventional advice, but what I (sense) feel, is that he's at a time in his own life, weighing things - separate from marital commitment where he feels somewhere inside that he hasn't lived his life to the fullest.

He seems to be taking things here and there, as something for himself, hiding them, like a hideaway in a manner of form, granting a parcel of excitement, freedom, just for him without doing something dishonorable to his wife, down to maybe just not wanting to eat the same lunch for however many months, years. Maybe he feels just by going out for lunch he's breathing something he's lacking in lieu of routine.

What to do? If I were there, and I was the wife, honestly, I'd hold the sack lunch up and smile and as he went to grab it, I'd crumple it up and toss it over my shoulder and say, go on now. Go on out and have some fun.

Then I'd sit back and think what I'd like to do that didn't involve him and do it...not cheating, just something on to myself and toss a little mystery in there.

If he truly wants to go golfing, I'd take all the clubs out of hiding and put them by the door or next to his motor cycle in his work shed and just say, I understand...you deserve everything you've ever hoped for and I love you. You don't have to keep your light under a basket any longer. Just do it...(kind of like a a free-pass), and I'd probably thank him for taking the effort to take my lunches along just so my feelings weren't hurt. It would take less effort just leaving them on the counter.

Then I'd walk away and maybe find myself with some friends or just in a bit of quiet and build my own "little tree house" and there I'd be for him when he genuinely wanted to be with me, without losing myself in the process..

Thank you for posting, ozfanatic. The first thing I would do is reflect carefully on the past years of your marriage. There are typically three reasons why a man would lie to his wife:

1. He has a psychological problem with lying. Generally, this is very rare and is accompanied by other troubling behaviors. You would know there was something wrong long before you discovered the lying. From what you described, your husband is not a liar of that magnitude.

2. He is passive-aggressive. A man could lie to his wife as an underhanded way of having some control in his life. He knows it bothers you and continues to do it because it is his way of getting back at you. However, passive-aggressiveness works only if the acts are found out and because your husband attempts to hide his purchases shows that he is not being passive-aggressive.

3. He is trying to avoid confrontation with his wife. Ask yourself why your husband feels his needs to lie to you. If he tells you the truth, how would you react? He probably does not want to argue or fight with you.

Who controls the purse strings in your household? Are purchases a joint decision? Does he have any discretionary income all his own? Does he need to "ask" you if he can buy something? That feels demeaning to a man. You're not his mother and he shouldn't have to ask permission. His wants and needs can be discussed to see how the family budget can afford it, but he should not have to approach you with his tail between his legs to ask for money to spend. He won't feel respected. He will come to resent you for it.

His lying and doing things behind your back is his way of gaining back control over his life and actions. If you honestly do not control his financial decisions and are puzzled by his lying and hiding his purchases still, he must feel some guilt when buying things for himself.

As Elleise said, bring out his purchases into the open. Encourage him to feel good about buying and enjoying things for himself. Put the golf clubs next to the front door and encourage him to play whenever he likes. Some people really have a hard time being good to themselves.

Ask him, "Why do you feel you need to hide things from me? I encourage you to buy what you like and enjoy your life."

As to your original question about trust...this is not a matter of broken trust in your marriage so I would not let this issue rattle my 36-year relationship. I would use it to improve my marriage though.

Wow .. I had to read these answers over and over today. First, I have handled the bills since day one .. been responsible for playing the check floats, juggling money, and making sure we provide our 2 sons everything we believed they need to become successful adults. So I have controlled the purse strings, but not to the point that he has to ask permission. This man has worked everyday of his life and I have never held him back from things that would bring him joy. Second, I have probably questioned purchases of his in the far past that I believed were completely unnecessary. Okay, not probably, but definitely. Because he is a very mild-mannered man, he does try to avoid confrontation and he may very well believe it is better to hide things then to hear my grumbling. Third, is it better to hear no grumbling when you purchase something or to hear major grumbling when his purchase or hiding is discovered. I was raised to know that if I told the truth first, punishment was much less than if I got caught later in the lie. That's how I was raised so this is why it devastates me. Fourth, I agree it does not need to ruin our decades long relationship. I believe he has always been faithful, he loves his children, and is really a good man. I have taken a better look at myself and I know that my actions have contributed to his actions. I can try to work on that and make him feel less guilty and less of a man in the future. But do my actions really justify his lying? I feel like both replies have wanted to point his weakness and his lying as my fault. I can't accept that .. he needs to make concessions, apologies, and promises to never do it again. Thanks so much for making me hold a mirror to myself; I know conflict very rarely exists in a vacuum.

Hello

Oh gosh, I had to jump up right away and put a big "NO" as to it being your fault. I think replies leave a lot to be desired in clarity. It would be so different if we were all around a coffee table somewhere. I'm sorry it came out that way. It wasn't intentional.

What I meant was people, men/women in marriages, they are still separate individuals and I know you know that and I'm guilty of it myself, where my expectations I feel sometimes should be my husband's and in looking closer myself, a lot of times they are but sometimes...you just need a little me room, especially w/responses he knows in advance he'll get from me.

You nailed it. He would rather not hear the grumbling and have something slide by. However, it doesn't usually turn out well in the end. I'd rather just talk about it and sometimes in my mind, something just shouldn't be done, like purchases "we" don't need, but he does. I just didn't realize how much. It's like a little bit of freedom a gift to himself, that makes what he does, working every singe day 6 days a week, more than just for everyone else. I have learned he "needs" to have his hard work sometimes gift him something that's all his without feeling guilty.

My feeling is, after trial and effect and assuming it isn't something that gets out of control (spending wise), he may have a little more sense of freedom, maybe independence and not feel the need to keep things from you.

I find both men and women have desires that might seem flaky to someone else, trivial, but they make all the difference in the world in giving us a little quirky happiness in some way.

I'm really curious to see how everything works out. What a wonderful milestone you've made. We don't hear often of such successful marriages.

One last thing in answer to your question about lying...no it doesn't constitute lying and I don't think he realizes how much that really hurts and on a myriad of different levels too. It can lead to more and more worries that don't have to be there.

Deep down I feel it shows just how valuable his word is to you and appreciate the man that he is without the "ommissions" and half truths. It is actually quite romantic

Something to think about:

This seems to be a pattern of behavior--not just a one-time occurrence--so it does call for deeper reflection.

Do your actions justify his lying? How can we tell based on a few brief posts? But it doesn't matter what we think. He obviously believes it or he wouldn't do it. And that is what matters. Instead of focusing on blame, move forward from this. Consider his need to hide things from you as a symptom of something amiss in your relationship. Diagnose it and fix it.

There doesn't need to be any blame assigned to anyone. This isn't a matter of who is right and who is wrong. It's simply a matter of "What is happening and how can our relationship grow from this?"

Thanks Lori and Elleise .. you both gave me lots to think about and we took the weekend to talk about this problem. I discovered that some of my actions definitely have made him feel less than a man which was never my intention, and that he was very sincerely sorry to make me feel so badly and doubt his love and the trust we have built. I believe he understands how horrible his lying made me feel. He's working on it .. I like it .. I pray it continues and he never makes me feel like that again! THANKS AGAIN LADIES .. great website!

I'm so glad Oz

Sometimes, especially these days it seems, that instead of looking at truths and things that could be made better, people either just want to ignore it, distract themselves with something else or do the..."Still not listening...with their index fingers stuffed in their ears, going la-la-la-la."

You on the other hand, I love it...held the mirror up (it's a personal thing all of us could stand to do) and assessed, acknowledged and fixed it within just a matter of weeks as a work in progress, which is what most things are.

I'm so happy you both spoke about things in the open. You are such an inspiration, both of you!